Clay, Silver or Marble

I would not call myself a creative person.  I don't have visions of how to put things together.  But give me a picture or directions and I can craft pretty well.  I used to do quite a bit of cross stitch since my mom taught me.  I have a new found love of making rag wreaths.  But I still do have a longing just to be able to put things together with just a vision in my head.

As I've been on this journey, I've known that God is making me into something.  I don't get special treatment because I have cancer.  He does this for everyone.  He says that He is the potter and we are the clay in Isaiah:

  
He also talks about refining us like silver in Zechariah:

Because I was curious, I wondered about how long they would take. I found some interesting information.

• In Bible times, after clay was extracted from the ground the impurities, like stones and sticks, were removed and then the clay was prepared by the potters assistant using his feet to soften the clay. After the pots were formed, they would dry for several days to make them leather hard. Only then were they put in the kiln and baked for several hours. 
• Today the process of making a pot takes at least 3 1/2 weeks with all conditions being just right.
• In Bible times silver was refined by putting it in fire to get out impurities.  It needed to be watched and would have a mirror-like quality when it was ready to be poured.  It also needed to be watched so it wouldn't overheat and make in unworkable.
• The above information helps to clarify the story that has traveled the internet about how a silversmith know when silver is ready to use. 

God has definitely been molding me and refining me throughout my life. My guess is He has been doing that for you as well.  Yet as I have been dealing with my own spiritual warfare lately, I didn't feel like clay or silver.  I haven't felt like something that is pliable, but rather as something hard, rock hard.

The best way I can describe it is that my heart feels like a huge slab of marble.  I know there is something beautiful and perfect underneath it all, yet it is going to have to be chipped away at slowly and carefully for it's true beauty, it's true purpose, to come out.  And when I researched Michelangelo's "David" and found out it took him almost 3 years to create it, I knew my feelings were correct.

This part of my journey is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with.  My emotions are such that I can be very happy one minute, and two seconds later just deeply saddened.  My head will tell me that God is leading me, showing me my purpose to serve Him, yet my heart is fighting not wanting that to be my purpose.  I look back at my early writings and talk about the perfect peace that God gave me at the beginning.  Here's what I wrote about pottery almost four years ago.

There have been instances for each of us on this pottery path that have hurt us, even pulled us to limits we didn’t think we could get to. But I also know in pottery that the artists are doing this lovingly, even gently. I know that is happening to our family, too. In some ways it excites me to say that our family is God’s pottery project right now. It makes me feel so special and so loved.

This is not where I am right now.  Instead of feeling special and loved, I'm feeling weary wondering if this will ever end.  Instead of feeling a gentle pull or stretch, I feel a hammer and chisel cutting into my soul.  Instead of a short pottery project of 3 1/2 weeks, I feel like I'm a long project of almost 3 years.

I think many going through something like this would feel like giving up hope.  I can say with all confidence that I do not feel this way.  I know God still has a purpose for me and this is part of getting me there.  I know God is taking care of me and sometimes taking care of someone means making them work hard.  I know God loves me and sometimes showing love is allowing them to learn through hard times.

So I lean on this verse, this promise from God:

 
I was clay before, and now I am marble.  Either way I am still a child of God.  There might be another time in my life that I might feel like silver. No matter what my emotions say or how hard the devil pushes, I will always be a child of God.  And knowing and believing that I can continue on with the strength God gives me every day. 

Will My Yes Ever Come?

Yes.  It's a word that we all long to hear at some time or another.  Many men have pondered over how to ask "Will you marry me?" in that perfect way to hear that perfect yes.  Parents love to hear it when their children obey by saying yes.  College students wait for that yes in an acceptance letter.  In so many situations, it's a word we can't wait to hear.


I've been waiting for a yes for over five years now.  It's a yes that once rang in my ears for a very short time in 2010.  It's a yes that my family longs to hear so we can have a normal life. We are waiting for a yes to the question, "Am I in remission."  Yet it never seems to come.  And since it never seems to come, a different battle starts.  Rather than being a battle against cancer, it becomes more of an emotional battle.


Most of you don't know this, but I have been in one of the toughest battles I have had since my diagnosis.  It's not a physical one, but a spiritual one.  Yes, I have been in a spiritual battle.  I have been fighting the devil who is trying to get me to question God's love for me.  I have been fighting the devil who is trying to get me to ask God if He hears me anymore.  It's a battle I have not enjoyed.


This battle started with something that for most people would be a huge blessing.  We have been trying to go to Disneyland since April.  We postponed it to August because of high prices.  We then postponed it to October because of hot weather I couldn't handle.  Everything was looking great until we got a call from our travel agent.  Disney wanted to move us because of baseball playoffs.  They were going to give us an extra day, a better hotel, and cover any cost overruns.  We would go in December on our anniversary and would be able to spend New Year's Eve in Disneyland.  Like I said, for most people this would be a huge blessing.  For me, it just brought some anxiousness.


We hadn't found out what my newest cancer number was before this.  One reason I was excited about October was because I knew I would be on a treatment that was easy on my body.  Now with our trip being postponed until December, I couldn't be so confident.  Through prayer Paul felt it was the way to go. 


Then we got the call.  My number had jumped significantly, from 178 to 242.  My oncologist wanted to know if I had been experiencing any symptoms.  I hadn't noticed any aside from being a little more tired, but with school starting that made a bit more sense.  She said that numbers can jump around quite a bit on this treatment, so we would keep the course for now and see what happened.


After the phone conversation, the tears fell.  What was going on?  Last time it dropped for the first time in a long time, and now it's jumped up again?  We just changed our trip.  Are we going to make it?  Will I be able to handle all the walking, or will I have to be pushed around in a wheel chair.  Will I be able to handle the crowds?


And of course, the devil really started working.  And then I realized why I hadn't been praying for myself anymore  -- I didn't know if God would ever answer yes to my prayers.  He seems to have been saying no or wait for so long, I just started figuring it would always be that way and I could just let others do the praying for me.  Understand, I could pray for everyone else knowing that God could and would answer those prayers with a yes.  What really hit me was when I was at urgent care with one of my boys and he needed me to pray with him. It took every ounce of will that I had to believe that God would answer the prayer for my son with a yes.  That's when I knew I was in a very big spiritual battle.


I'm still in it.  God's giving me things all around to remind me.  A sermon on Romans 8:26-27

A passage or two in my daily devotions:

And of course through many prayers, messages and encouragements of others.  Yet, the warfare continues.  And even though it seems to get better each day, it's still there.

The biggest part of my battle is wondering if that yes will ever come again.  But then today, God gave me what I really needed.  It came in the way of this devotion titled When God Says No. In this devotion Chyrstal Evans Hurst talked about changing our reaction when God says no.  It sunk in a little bit, but when I read this quote from her, the Holy Spirit really opened my eyes.

Once again I was reminded, in just a different way, that God knows my entire story where I don't.  God knows how to keep me close to Him where I don't.  God know His purpose for this trial where I don't.  And just because I don't know why He is choosing to answer no right now doesn't mean there will never be a yes.  There will be a yes and it will be better than I ever imagined.

Does this mean my spiritual warfare is over?  Not by any means.  The devil is working hard to get me to keep questioning God.  Yet I know that God is the one who is going to lead me through this.  I know the Holy Spirit will keep praying for me with stronger words and more emotion than I could ever muster.  And Jesus keeps interceding for me reminding God of all He did by dying on the cross for me.  One day my yes will come.  Until that day, I trust in Him.