Calling the Lonely and Brokenhearted

The word alone can invoke many different emotions for many different people.  Some people like to be alone, others don't.  For parents of young children being alone can be like the vacation of a lifetime.  For someone looking for their spouse, being alone can be one of the strongest emotions you can deal with.  For a teenager, feeling alone can make you feel like an outcast.  For someone praying, being alone can bring a sense of peace. 

In any difficult situation there are times when you will feel alone.  Sometime you feel like no one will ever understand what you are going through.  Other times when a tough situation lasts a long time,  you can feel alone because it feels like family and friends aren't there for you as much as when the whole thing started.  They might not know what to say anymore; they might not think about it as often; they might just not want to think about it at all.  It never means they don't care, but our emotions tell us that just might be the case.  It's hard feeling like you are alone in the world.

There have been times in my life and through my cancer journey that I have felt alone.  I remember crying out to God about how hard my loneliness was before he led me to my husband.  I have cried out constant times when times with treatment get tough and in my head no one seems to understand.  When you let those feelings take over they can turn into despair and make you wonder why God is allowing you to still be here.  Heaven just seems like a much better place.

This past week I was a little lonely and brokenhearted.  When the news came that my treatment is probably not working it made me very down trodden.  Each time a new treatment comes I pray that this will be the one that will put me in remission, even if it is just for a little while.  I also pray that if that is not God's will, that the treatment will keep my disease stable.  Once again the prayer was answered with a no and a not yet.  It's easy to feel alone when you don't know anyone else who seems to be going through what you are.

Then as I was getting ready on Wednesday morning, a song came on that I have heard many times.  It's Whom Shall I Fear? by Chris Tomlin.  As I was singing along, part of the refrain really stuck with me.

      "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind.
        The God of angel armies is always by my side."

That last line is what really struck me this time.  You see, when I think of a leader of armies, I don't think of someone who would be right by my side.  Our army leaders are usually guarded closely by others, we are not guarded by them.  Our army leaders are directing their soldiers from afar, not telling them things face to face.  Yet our God, who controls the most amazing angel army, is by my side! He is there to lead, hold, comfort and protect everyone one of us.  He is not a distant God just watching the universe float by.  He is a personal God who cares for every one of us and is working out all our struggles for His good.  What an amazing God we have.

So when you feel lonely or brokenhearted, remember this: you have a God who cares for you so much He is always right by your side.  He is helping you.  He loves you.  He will never leave you.

So cry out to Him, He will hear you.  Tell him your worries and fears.  He alone can give you the comfort you need.  Tell Him you are lonely.  He will show you that He is always right there for you, as only a Father can do.

 

 

It's Ok to Cry

Some days on a cancer journey, you just need to cry.  You realize once again you can't be strong all the time and you just need to let it out. Today is one of those days.


Sometimes I just hate chemo so much.  It makes me tired and sick, I don't always want to be around my family and even though my head knows it will just be a few more days of hardship, my heart can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I force myself to eat and drink so I don't get dehydrated, but that's hard because sometimes that makes me feel sick.  I just want to crawl in a hole, sleep, and wake up when this is all over.  Of course that's not the way it's going to be so I have to find another way.


My way is to cry.  It's a release and a cleansing for my mind and my emotions.  For me it always seems to happen in the shower.  There's just something about water that lets my emotions out.  Maybe it's because there's something about water that has always calmed me.  I remember riding my bike to a more secluded spot along Lake Michigan when I was growing up in Illinois.  I could sit and watch the water for hours if I was able to.  The ocean does that same thing for me now.  Now if only the water could take the cancer away.  But it doesn't, so I have to use that water to help calm myself in another way.


So i cry, not only physically but also in prayer.  I ask God to once again give me the courage and the strength to get through yet another round of post-chemo days.  And I am reminded of verses in the Bible where He tells us to call on him and that He hears us.  Two of my favorite are from Psalm 56:8 and Psalm 116:1-2.

Both of these verses remind me that God will hear me when I am feeling like this.  I don't have to be strong for Him or for anyone else.  He is going to carry me through these down days.  Then I will be able to look back and see all the wonderful ways He once again helped me through this trial.


So today I am going to cry.  Will I feel a little guilty about it?  Probably, but that's just because I hate feeling like I can't be there for my family.  But when it is done, I know I will be refreshed by the wonderful love God has for me.  He hears my voice, He turns His ear to me, He keeps track of my sorrows.  And with all that He alone knows the best way to help me.