I'm Changing My Prayers

This verse comes from the book of James.  It is a verse I have clung to for almost 5 years in my battle with cancer.  I've known that the thousands of prayers that have been prayed by myself, my family and my prayer warriors have been heard.  They have prayed in earnest for my complete healing.  They have prayed in earnest for the peace that passes all understanding.  They have prayed for understanding.  They have prayed unceasingly, but yet God has answered no for some of these prayers. 

When I found out I had to go back on chemo again, I was crushed.  Our family has had an amazing 22 months of, for the most part, feeling like a family without cancer.  I didn't want to let go of that.  I still don't.  But that's not the plan God has for me and my family right now.  And after praying for 5 years for the same things, there are times where you just don't know what to pray for anymore.  It has nothing to do with thinking God doesn't hear me or He doesn't care.  That is the farthest thing from the truth.  It comes more from wondering if my prayers should go in a different direction.

Right after we found out, my pastor left me a message.  I had told him that I just didn't know what to pray for anymore.  He said that we should start with this:

That is such the perfect place to start.  God's will is perfect. He knows what I need to stay close to Him.  He knows what my family needs to stay close to Him.  He knows what others need around me to stay close or even bring them to Him.  So that's where I have started. 

Yet, it still has been hard to know what to pray for without just rambling that phrase over and over again, which I have done often.  Then God reminded me of another one of my favorite passages that I have turned to throughout my life when things have been difficult.

This has been such a comfort these past two weeks.  I truly have not known what to pray for because it just all seems like too much.  Yet this Holy Spirit is interceding for me, asking God for the things that I need when I don't know what it is that I need.

Through all this struggle the past two weeks, God has shown me once again that He is always there for me.  He has led me through some low points, as well as given me some breaks where I could just feel normal one last time.  And through all that, He has shown me how I should pray.

This morning I realized that even though I really don't know how to pray for myself, I can pray for the others around me.  So here is how I'm going to be praying.

• I'm going to be praying for my oncologist.  I am going to pray that she can continue to find ways to give me a quality of life.   I am going to pray that she never feels defeated, no matter what the outcome. I am going to pray that she continues to see God through me.
• I'm going to pray for my infusion team.  I am going to pray that my new team will be as perceptive as my old team was.  I am going to pray that God leads them to find ways to help me.  And once again I am going to pray that they see God through me.
• I'm going to pray for the nurses at the clinic at SCCA.  They have gone through some personal struggles and changes and they need my prayers.  I'm going to pray that they can continue to find ways to help all the patients they see every day.  And I will pray that they see God through me.
• I'm going to pray for all the friends and family who are helping me.  I'm going to pray prayers of thanksgiving that our family has people who are willing to go the extra mile to help us.  I'm going to pray that they always have hearts of service, not only for me, but for others as well.  And I will pray that they see God through me.
• I'm going to pray for my family, both the ones that are close and the ones that are far away.  This has been as hard on them as it has on me.  I'm going to pray that they can see God's hand in whatever happens.  I'm going to pray that whatever happens God keeps them close.  And I will pray that they see God through me.

 It's time for me to change my prayers.  It's time for me to see God working in different ways rather than just through my health.  It's time to truly say with complete trust, "Thy Will Be Done".

When Peace Seems Far Away

 Hold it all together
 Everybody needs you strong
 But life hits you out of nowhere
 And barely leaves you holding on  
(From Just Be Held by Casting Crowns)

That's kind of what my last month has felt like.  It's also why I haven't posted since we found out about the jump in my last cancer number.  We have been so busy between basketball, physical therapy for Melanie, Lent and then just every day life, I haven't had the time to even focus on writing.  But today it's necessary.

By the time many of you read this, I will have had my CT scan.  We decided, with encouragement from my oncologist, that we do my routine CT scan a month early.  Aside from the normal tiredness of a busy life, some things have seemed a bit off from time to time.  So now it's time for another scan, another blood test, another period of waiting to find out what is going to happen next.  And as I pray all I really long for is peace.

When we started this journey almost 5 years ago I had peace.  I woke up from my surgery knowing that I had cancer and I had this incredible sense of peace.  It was that peace that's described in Philippians 4:7

   We knew everything was going to be fine.  I'm sure at that time it was a feeling that I was going to be healed, but it was even more than that.  I was at peace with what was coming.  My heart and my mind felt guarded.  It was what peace was always meant to be.

I'm longing for that type of peace again.  After almost five years of fighting something, I'm tired.  I'm not tired to the point of giving up.  I'm tired of having cancer. 

 And when you're tired of fighting
 Chained by your control
 There's freedom in surrender
 Lay it down and let it go 

That verse is what I need to focus on now.  I need to once again let God show me where to go and what to do.  And I need to focus on where my true peace is: In Christ, In His Sacrifice, In Heaven.

 If your eyes are on the storm
 You'll wonder if I love you still
 But if your eyes are on the cross
 You'll know I always have and I always will

 And not a tear is wasted
 In time, you'll understand
 I'm painting beauty with the ashes
 Your life is in My hands

I know many of you lift me up daily in your prayers.  I know many of you are praying for my healing.  The rest of this week, I ask you to change your prayers for me.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for my peace.  Please storm God's throne with prayers to help me remember where my peace truly lies.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for peace while my family and I wait for the results on Friday.  And finally please storm God's throne with prayers for guidance as we continue this journey.
Because with those prayers and by God's grace I will be able to feel that peace I long for, because I will be held by Him.

 Lift your hands, lift your eyes
 In the storm is where you'll find Me
 And where you are, I'll hold your heart
 I'll hold your heart
 Come to Me, find your rest
 In the arms of the God who wont let go

 So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
 You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
 Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
 I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
 Just be held, just be held

God is Not Worried So I'm Taking Another Step

Life has been busy.  It's been so busy that I really hadn't been able to think about blogging for a while. The past month I've wanted to blog, but things have come up that made me feel I should wait just a little bit longer.  But now I need to again because I need your daily prayers.

So here's what's going on.  My CA-125 as of last month is now up to 60. In the bigger picture it's only gone up 11 points, but  it has been steadily going up for four months now.  In October I had a routine CT scan that I need to have every three months.  They did find a lymph node that they hadn't been watching before near some part of my esophagus that grew from 4 mm to 10 mm.  When I first talked with my oncologist we were both kind of bummed.  She hadn't looked specifically at the CT scan, just the reports.  At that point she said that we were staying on the medication I have been on because this didn't mean it wasn't working.  We would just see what happened.

Then she looked at my CT scan and called me back.  The spots they had been watching, and what she considers to be better markings because that's where they know disease is, have all shrunk or stayed the same.  The lymph node near my esophagus is in my chest area, but not in the mammary gland area of the breast.  My CA-125 could go up because of breast cancer.  My oncologist said that we could do a blood test to check for breast cancer, but that can also be elevated when you have ovarian cancer.   It's very unusual for someone to get breast cancer while being treated for ovarian, but with the history of both in our family, it's something to get checked.

So between the lymph node and the small rise in CA-125 my oncologist thought I was smart for wanting to get something checked out.   I'm overdue for a breast MRI which would pick things up better than a mammogram.   We haven't done one in a while for two reasons - 1) I was fighting ovarian cancer  and 2) I had a horrible panic attack with my first one.  I will be having one on November 21st and they will give me something to keep me calm, i.e. drug me up.  I will find out the results the next day when I see my oncologist. 

I will admit I am a little concerned.   There were lymph nodes around my liver before the ovarian cancer was found. That is the biggest reason I want to have this checked out.  Between that and my gut telling me something is going on, it would be very easy to let something like this overwhelm me.  But God once again puts things in my life to show me He is in control.

One of those things was a devotion by Karen Ehman entitled God is Not Worried. Here is her quote that really struck me.

God is not worried. He’s not in heaven wringing His hands, wondering just how everything will eventually turn out. He is in control. He is loving.

God longs to use the circumstances of our lives to mold our mind, craft our character, and chase away the fears that threaten to slither in, paralyzing us and rendering us ineffective. Ever the patient and wise teacher, if He isn’t freaking out, why should we?

That same day another devotion came my way with this Bible verse from the New Living Translation:

²⁴ You can go to bed without fear;
    you will lie down and sleep soundly.
²⁵ You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
    or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
²⁶ for the Lord is your security. Proverbs 3:24-26a

God knew once again what I needed to hear from His Word. I could freak out about this entire situation and be convinced that something awful was going to happen.  But if God isn't freaking out, why should I?  

So instead I choose to take another step.  I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new album quite a bit this past month.  My favorite song is called Take Another Step.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

We walk by faith and not by sight we know it’s true
We say it and sing it and love the way it sounds
But none of us can even begin to truly understand
What it really means ‘til all the lights go out
And there we are nothing to hold on to
But the promises God’s made to me and you

Take another step, take another step
When the road ahead is dark
And you don’t know where to go
Take another step, take another step
Trust God and take another step

If there’s an ocean in front of you
You know what you’ve gotta do
Take another step and another step
Maybe He’ll turn the water into land
And maybe He’ll take your hand and say
Let’s take a walk on the waves
Will you trust Me either way
And take another step
Take another step  

It's time for me to take another step on this marathon cancer journey that I am in.  I have never been able to go on this journey alone.  God has provided me with so many of you who pray often for me.  So now I ask that you daily lift me up in prayer again.  Pray that, if it is God's will, that these steps that I have to take are ones that will be easy.  But if they are not, pray that God keeps me and my family close to Him, always relying on His strength to get us through the steps of each day.  

God is not worried, so I'm taking another step.

 

To God Be The Glory

With all things there are times where you just can't explain what has happened.  Sometimes they are big things like being healed from a disease.  Other times they are small things like seeing a rainbow on a day you need to be reminded of God's promises.  For me this blog is a great example ofthe unexplainable.


In less than a month God surely has blessed this blog.  It has already reached people in 11 different countries.  He has led people to this site more than 1000 times.  There are people following the blog.  I have had nothing to do with this.  It has all been in God's plan.


I want to thank all of you who have read my blog, shared my blog, and even prayed about my blog with me.  Thank you for putting up with my limited knowledge of blogging.  I am trying to learn more to make this better.  Where this goes I have no idea.  My only prayer is that it continues to share God's love with others.


I hope you can see something today or in the near future than can't be explained.  When that happens, know that you have a loving God who is taking care of every part of your life as only He can do.

It's Ok to Cry

Some days on a cancer journey, you just need to cry.  You realize once again you can't be strong all the time and you just need to let it out. Today is one of those days.


Sometimes I just hate chemo so much.  It makes me tired and sick, I don't always want to be around my family and even though my head knows it will just be a few more days of hardship, my heart can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I force myself to eat and drink so I don't get dehydrated, but that's hard because sometimes that makes me feel sick.  I just want to crawl in a hole, sleep, and wake up when this is all over.  Of course that's not the way it's going to be so I have to find another way.


My way is to cry.  It's a release and a cleansing for my mind and my emotions.  For me it always seems to happen in the shower.  There's just something about water that lets my emotions out.  Maybe it's because there's something about water that has always calmed me.  I remember riding my bike to a more secluded spot along Lake Michigan when I was growing up in Illinois.  I could sit and watch the water for hours if I was able to.  The ocean does that same thing for me now.  Now if only the water could take the cancer away.  But it doesn't, so I have to use that water to help calm myself in another way.


So i cry, not only physically but also in prayer.  I ask God to once again give me the courage and the strength to get through yet another round of post-chemo days.  And I am reminded of verses in the Bible where He tells us to call on him and that He hears us.  Two of my favorite are from Psalm 56:8 and Psalm 116:1-2.

Both of these verses remind me that God will hear me when I am feeling like this.  I don't have to be strong for Him or for anyone else.  He is going to carry me through these down days.  Then I will be able to look back and see all the wonderful ways He once again helped me through this trial.


So today I am going to cry.  Will I feel a little guilty about it?  Probably, but that's just because I hate feeling like I can't be there for my family.  But when it is done, I know I will be refreshed by the wonderful love God has for me.  He hears my voice, He turns His ear to me, He keeps track of my sorrows.  And with all that He alone knows the best way to help me.