An Added Blessing

I've talked about blessings that have come from this cancer before, but I wanted to share a special gift that God gave me this week.

Last week I entered a contest to meet Laura Story, the singer of the song "Blessings".  I entered the contest, yes because I was hoping to get the chance, but more because I wanted to share my story with others how God really does bless you through trials and tears.

On Monday, July 29, 2013, the radio station called me telling me that I had won!  I couldn't believe it!  So on Wednesday, July 31, 2013, I get to be with a small group of people who meet Laura Story and get to see her concert live.  What a chance God has given me!  I found out that there will be others there who are struggling with cancer right now.  I'm so thankful God has given me the chance to witness to them.  Please pray with me that God uses me in an amazing way that only He can.

And, if you want to watch this live, you can through this link:
http://www.spirit1053.com/spirit-updates/2013/07/18/livestream-with-laura-story

I don't know if I will be on screen or not, but my daughter and I will be there.

To God be the  Glory!

The Joy Dare ~ January 16 - 31

January 16 ~ 3 Witnessed Blessings

• Last night I was able to start going to my support group again at Gilda's Club.  What a wonderful night it was! We had three more women join us who needed support as much as we did.  What a blessing from God to be able to connect with people face to face who are dealing with the same disease  I am.
• Yesterday I also witnessed the blessing of my family once again as we sat around the dinner table.  I know I've been thankful for this before, but these times are so precious to me.  The laughter and conversation are things I will always treasure.
• This last one is years in the making.  Facebook has been a wonderful blessing in my life because of all the people I have been able to reconnect with and also stay in touch with them.  Some of my greatest blessings on there are the students I taught and how so many of them have the Lord in their life. 

January 17~ A Gift Bringing Laughter, Prayer, Quiet

• I just had a conversation with my oncology nurse.  Normally you wouldn't think that something like that would bring laughter, especially since it had nothing to do with my treatment.  But when you've had a relationship with someone for four years, even though it's on a clinical basis, they really do become your friend.  I laughed, really in awe, because I found out that I'm somewhat of a celebrity at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.  My oncologist has been using my story to show the success of what has been working so well for me.  I was in a newsletter, which I knew about, but I also found out that she's been sharing my story at different conferences.  My nurse jokingly said that I hope no one stops you on the street because I might feel like Kim Kardashian or something. Thank you God for the amazing staff you have provided for me!
• Most mornings I get up at least an hour before my children do so I can spend some quiet time in devotion and Bible reading.  I treasure that time of quiet before the busy day starts.  It helps me keep my focus on God throughout the day.
• My prayer life has definitely been leading me to keep trusting God.  Each oncology visit always brings some anxiety.  Is the treatment still working?  What if I have to go back on chemo?  Am I having a side effect from the drug or am I just getting older?  Learning to trust God once again is something I need to pray for every day.

 (I have gotten behind not because I have forgotten to do this, but because I haven't had the time to sit and blog.  The 18th through the 21 were written in one day.)

January 18 ~  Three Gifts from God's Word
Proverbs 3:5-6 

 

Isaiah 53:4-5

Romans 5: 3-5

January 19 ~ Three Gifts that Might Never Have Been

• My daughter might never have been born.  You see, we lost our first child to a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  We were devastated.  But one month after we lost our first daughter, God blessed us by letting us conceive another.  Now we have one daughter at home in Heaven, and one daughter here with us. 
• When I look at my family, I realize they might never have been here.  I was not enthralled with my husband when I first met him.  I was dating someone else and he just kept hanging around.  We did have some of the same friends and we got together, but he was shorter than me and I just didn't want anything to do with him.  But God knew better.  There were some hard circumstances in my life and he was there when no one else could be.  4 months after we started dating we got engaged.  1 year and 8 days after we started dating we were married.  2 years to the day we started dating we had our first child.  Once again, God knew what He was doing.
• When I look back to last year at this time, things were going down hill fast as far as my health went.  By this time last year I had already been admitted to the hospital once, and had no idea I would need an ambulance ride for another one.  Now, because of a small miracle, God made sure all the right things were in place for me to get a PARP inhibitor to give me and my family a more normal life again.  To God be the Glory!

  January 20 ~ Three Gifts Only Seen Close Up

• Snowflakes amaze me because each one is different.  They also amaze me when I realize that they are created by a frozen microscopic droplet of water, and then because of weather conditions they make these amazing shapes as they fall through the atmosphere.  What beauty in such a small package.   

• This is a magnified sample of sand from the Gobi Desert.  When you realize that soft, warm substance you love to walk in on the beach is actually crushed rocks, it's amazing to think how God works.  And when you have a chance to look at this closely, you see how beautiful it really is.

• One of the most peaceful things I love to look at is a sleeping baby.  But I don't think you can truly realize how peaceful a sleeping baby can be until you look at one closely in your arms.  They are beyond content, trusting that they will wake and someone will be there to care for them.  The sleep is not restless or fitful, but truly renewing.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace!

January 21 ~ A Gift in Sky, in Water, in Memory

• Being from the Pacific Northwest, we get to see quite a few rainbows, especially in the spring.  We regularly get them above our home.  They are always a wonderful reminder of how our God is watching over us and protecting us, and also it reminds us that He will never break a promise He has made.
• My water gift is an odd one because it's our cat's paw.  We have a funny cat, Izzy.  He is truly a scaredy cat, jumping at the slightest noise.  One thing he does that always amuses our guests is to drink out of his water bowl with his paw.  He will only drink if he sticks his paw in the water and laps it off of his paw.  He will never put his face in the bowl.  Is he too scared to get his face wet?  Knowing this cat, he probably is.

• My Mom, or Grandma Judy, died from ovarian cancer 10 years ago.  These were the only grandchildren she got to know -- 4 out of the 18 that are here.  She gets to be with two of them in Heaven.  When I think back to all the love she showed her grandchildren, it makes me smile.  It also makes me smile when I remember how she kept bugging us to get married so she could have grandchildren.  And then she got four in three years.  She could never get enough of her grandchildren, and I will be forever grateful that my daughter had a chance to know her.  We can't wait to see you again!

January 22 ~ A Gift Wrinkled, Smoothed, Unfolded

 

•   When I think of something wrinkled, I think of my mom and grandmother's hands.  They were wrinkled but beautiful.  Their hands worked tirelessly in the kitchen, in mending and in cleaning.  But they were also great for hugs.  But I know the thing I loved most about those hands is that they turned the pages of their Bibles, and they folded them in prayer.  To their last hour they knew they were in God's hands.  Now their hands, whether they are wrinkled or smooth, are praising their Father in Heaven.

• I remember taking out my wedding dress on the day of my wedding and smoothing the front before I saw my husband that day.  That was such an exciting day, seeing each other in our wedding attire for the first time.  We had no idea that our lives were going to be so bumpy, so wrinkled with trials.  But just like my dress, God has smoothed out our paths when we stumble.  He is just bringing us closer to Him.

 

• Letters for the most part are a thing of the past.  We have gone to emails, instant messages, texts and video chat.  But there was always something about unfolding a letter or a note that brought excitement.  You never knew what was going to be said or what you were going to learn.  Most of the time the news was wonderful.  Last year during my hard months I received an actual letter, written over a week, from one of my daughter's grade school teachers.  I think I re-read that letter at least 10 times because it was such a foreign concept to receive one.  What a wonderful blessing from God!

January 19 ~ Three Gifts Found in Christ
How in the world could you only find three gifts today?  I could write an entire book on the gifts found in Christ, and I'm sure some people have.  My first thought went to one of my favorite songs that has become an Easter favorite, In Christ Alone.  If you've never heard this song before, please click on the link to listen to and see an amazing video based on the song.

So to complete my Joy Dare today, I'm going to use the first verse of the song and link them to Bible passages that show just how much Christ has given us.

• In Christ alone my hope is found  ~ 1 Peter 1:3-4  ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you

• He is my light, ~ John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

• my strength ~ Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

• my song ~ Colossians 3:16 ~ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

• This Cornerstone, this solid ground ~ Psalm 95:1 Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
      let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

• Firm through the fiercest drought and storm ~ Psalm 46:1-3        

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging

• What heights of love, ~ John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

•  what depths of peace ~ Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

• When fears are stilled, when strivings cease ~  Isaiah 41:10   So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand                                                   

• My Comforter, ~ John 14: 1-3 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

•  my All in All ~ Ephesians 3: 20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

• Here in the love of Christ I stand ~ Ephesians 3: 17b - 19 And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Oh boy, am I behind again.  But I think I have a better excuse this time : the icky norovirus.   Finally feeling somewhat normal after 3 days.  I did have things written down through the 27th.  So here goes my thankfulness....

January 24 ~ Three things blue

• My daughter's eyes.  From the moment she was born she had her eyes wide open ( no that is not an exaggeration) and they were very blue.  She could not stop looking around.  Today I love looking in her eyes and seeing those beautiful blues filled with compassion for others and full of God's love.
• When my boys were young they used to love yogurt.  We would set them up in their highchairs and they would devour their yogurt.  Many people have pictures of that first birthday cake, well we have pictures of yogurt boys.  Blue yogurt was their favorite, and they have it all over their faces and in their hair to prove it.

• We had blue sky today, just a peek, after being in an inversion that left our area very cold and foggy.  It was so strange to have the mountains and the coast with warmer temperatures that we had.  But with that peek of blue sky today, it was a reminder of God's unending love. 

 January 25 ~ A Grace Borrowed, Found, Inherited

• We have been the fortunate recipients of musical instruments.  Between my three children we have piano, flute, trumpet and trombone playing in our house.  Some days it's crazy, but most days it's wonderful, especially as they are all starting to play for chapel.  We couldn't have afforded these instruments outright.  But we were able to borrow all of them.  Some have turned into permanent fixtures in our home, and we are grateful for all of them.
• I think some of my best graces that I have found have been in my friends.  Many have been found "by accident."  I think back to the time I met my closest friend in college.  I had locked myself out of my room and that was the first time we really met.  I'm so glad she looked over my not so wonderful language at the time and looked at what I was really like.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish we lived closer, and I also know she will be there whenever I need her.
• My favorite inherited gift has to be my love for music.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I can look back at all the times we sang as a family, practiced our many instruments(which we often hated) and the times we made beautiful music together and be thankful.  I'm so glad I get to pass that on to my children who each in their own way have a love for some type of music.  May they use that love to serve God in some way.

January 26 ~ A Gift Before Dawn, At Noon, After Dark

• I was actually up early this morning, which I wasn't happy about at the time.  But then I had the quiet time I needed to get ready for my day.  I had a chance to sit and study God's Word, have some prayer time and a little quiet time before the chaos of the day started.  We might not always agree with what God gives us, but we can always see that what He gives is what is best for us.
• At noon I was actually together with my family.  Considering we are in the midst of basketball season and we had to get to a game that evening, I treasured that time.  Yes it was a little stressful because we were working on some big school projects that were coming up, but we were together.
• I know I don't always show my husband how much I appreciate all he does.  But he was a wonderful support today.  Once we got home after a long day of projects and basketball games, he jumped right in to help get the kids focused for bed, and then he rubbed my aching legs.  He was also very patient with me because I was having a few anxious moments due to some medication I was on.  I love you, Paul!  I'm sorry I never show you enough.

January 27 ~ Three Gifts in the Kitchen

• About three years ago I got my first Kitchen Aid stand mixer.  We never had one growing up so I never understood it's usefulness. Since I have been feeling better we actually put it out on the counter so I could have it more easily accessible.  It was one of the best moves and purchases we made.  I love using it at least once a week to make things for my family.   

 

• I love my kitchen table.  We looked for one for three years before we were able to find one we liked.  It is an old country style table and chairs that is solid and won't fall apart.  It can expand when we have guests over.  This year we hosted Thanksgiving at our house.  It was one of the best dinners we have ever had because of the people that surrounded our table.  I can also think back to the many times we've played games with friends and family, had meals, or just sat around and talked.  I remember the times that friends came over and brought meals during my early years with the twins and then while I was on chemo.  If that table could talk, it would have so many ways to shout out the praises of what God is doing through His people.

 

• We have a full pantry.  Sometimes it's a bit overflowing because I can be a coupon nut and stockpile some things when I can, but it's always full with foods we can eat.  May we never take for granted the food God has given us, and may we never have to go without.

 

January 28 ~ Three Graces Found in Friends

I've learned over the last three years how important friends can be.  Yes they are the ones who make you laugh and listen to your complaints, but they are so much more.  Here are just a few things friends have done for me over the past three years.

• Become an amazing group of prayer warriors
• Brought meals
• Called
• Texted
• Sent cards
• Sent gifts
• Sent flowers
• Cleaned my house
• Taken me to chemo appointments
• Watched my children when I was in the hospital
• Taken my children to and from sporting events
• Fixed our window screens
• Weeded our yard
• Mowed our lawn
• Sent us on amazing trips 
• Gave my children extreme room makeovers

  I look at these things and it brings me to tears.  These people did this not for anything in return, but because of their love for their Savior.  

 

January 29 ~ A Song Heard, A Soft Word, Light Seen

• One of the songs that still reaches me today is called Finally Home by Mercy Me.  I heard this a few years after my mom went home to Heaven.  It reminded me once again of what I have to look forward to when I get Home.
• I was sicker than a dog today with the flu.  My daughter was home with me because she had it as well.  My poor boys had to stay away from me and constantly wash their hands in hopes that they wouldn't get it.  (So far, so good.)  But when one spoke softly that he just wanted to give me a hug, it broke my heart.  I promised him he could hug me all he wanted when I got better.
• The light at the end of the tunnel was seen for my daughter when she was able to eat dinner.  That showed me that my light would be coming soon since I was a day behind her in my sickness.  And it also reminded me that even with my cancer, I can get through a flu bug without having to go to the hospital.  God is so good!

January 30 ~ Three Old Things Seen New

• Every day the Scripture brings something new.  Every time you read it something will speak to you.  Some days things will jump out at you.  The one I remember most recently at really jumping out at me was this verse from John 21:25. " Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written"  I had never thought about that before.  We hear of so many miracles he did that I never thought about the ones He did that we didn't know about.  It's just another reason I can't wait to finally meet Him face to face.

• I have some old pictures that were in my grandparents house.  I remember them on the dining room wall.  They bring such good memories because we would sit around that table for meal but also for playing many games.  Now they are in my house, in my kitchen.  While the new place makes them look a little different, I hope the memories that my children have of those pictures will be just as lovely. 

 

• I also have an old cabbage cutting board that once belonged to my great grandmother.  It was in my parents home, and now it is in mine.  Once again it brings up memories of loving, fun times.  What was once used as a tool for dinner is now one that creates memories of times around the dinner table. 

January 31 ~ A Gift on Paper, in a Person, in a Picture

• My mom went home to Heaven over 10 years ago.  It has gotten harder to remember her voice, her laugh and her touch.  But one thing I will be forever grateful for is having a few things that she wrote.  One is a letter she wrote to my daughter when she was not even three.  My daughter still treasures that letter.  Another thing I have is the Bible passages she wrote down on note cards when  she was battling ovarian cancer.  There have been so many times where I have looked at them and gotten strength in their words.  She used those for comfort, and I am now able to use them as well.  One day they will get passed down to my daughter as another tangible way of how much God loves us.

 

• How can I just pick one person that has shown me so much love?  I have too many friends who have helped me in person, through prayer, or online that I can't pick just one.  Just know that you are always going to be lifted up in prayers of thankfulness for the things you have done.  Even if you think it was just small, it was big.
• When we found out the cancer came back after only three months of remission, people rallied around us with help and with gifts.  Some of those were pictures.  Once again when I was struggling last year more gifts came.  One that has become a focal point of our home is this picture based on Isaiah 49:15-16

 

         Knowing that God has us engraved on the palms of His hand reminds us every day that He is 

          really looking out for our best interests.  He will never, ever forget us or the promises He made

         to us.  That is the best comfort anyone can have in any circumstance.

 

I Took A Break

I got a Christmas Card from a family member this week that said they figured I was fine since I hadn't posted in a long time. Well, the reason behind that is not because things were bad but because things were so good I took a break.

 

When I think back to a year ago, I kind of knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I said to my husband that 2012 was not going to be a good year. Obviously the first half wasn't with many hospital trips and not having the energy to do much of anything. I think back to the times I had to rest up for days just so I could get to my children's important events. All of that doesn't even seem real anymore with the way I am feeling now.

My CA-125 has dropped from 1300 plus to 55. I took a break because I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting to all my children's activities. Since July I've been able to help coach my daughter's volleyball team for three tournaments, get to most of my children's games, run around to numerous doctor's appointments for my son, start cooking again for my family and many more things that I can't even fathom. I'm playing for church again and leading our Sunday School in singing. The miracle God has worked in me is amazing. And even though I have my first cold in three years, I can't stop smiling because of all God has done for my family.

So I took a break from writing and blogging. I'm hoping to get back to it again as God sees fit. I guess we all need breaks at times to refocus or just slow down. Even through cancer treatments there are times we need breaks even though we know the cancer is still in our bodies.

But I'm so glad on this Christmas Eve that God never took a break from us. He had every right to since we are all horrible sinners and don't follow his commands perfectly. But He didn't. He made sure every part of His plan was in place so we could be home in Heaven with him someday. He made sure that one night a tiny baby boy would be born to save the world. 

Then that tiny baby boy lived a perfect life, never taking a break from perfection.
 
And finally that baby boy who grew into a man walked right into the hands of his enemies knowing full-well that he was going to die. And because of his death and resurrection we now have the confidence of having eternal life with him.





May the God of peace and love shower you with His peace and love this Christmas season. May you always know that He never takes a break from loving you or keeping you close to Him. And during Christmas may your joy first come from the greatest gift of all, the birth of your Savior.
Merry Christmas!

When Miracles Happen

Have you ever hoped for a miracle?  I always thought about all those miracles performed in the Bible and thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I saw something like that?"  I'm here to tell you today that God is working a miracle in me.

A short month ago I told you how my new treatment was working so well.  Last week Thursday I got a call from my oncologist.  Now understand, she rarely calls me and it's usually due to something we have to change in our treatment.  That wasn't the case this time.  She just had to call because she was so excited.  If you remember, last time my Ca-125 dropped from 1300+ to 500.  Well, it dropped again, this time to 192.  It hasn't been that low since April of 2011.  She just can't believe the results we are getting from this drug. Neither can her team because they had to call me early Friday morning because they were also very excited.

From a human standpoint, it's easy to see why this looks so unbelievable.  We got this drug faster than anyone is normally supposed to get it.  It's working better than anyone expected.  I have energy and stamina like I haven't had in years.  How can this be explained?

But I know.  It's God and all God.  The God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere is the one who had this plan worked out for me before the world was created.  He knew I was going to need more strength to help my son with his broken ankle.  He knew that it was time for me to be more involved with my family.  He knew it was time for me to see His awesome power. 

Join me today in praising our God and Savior for the physical miracle he is working in me.  But also join me in praising God for the miracle He has worked in you -- that is the miracle of your faith.  We know that He worked that miracle in you because of of this verse in Ephesians:

 

We are all miracles because of God's grace working faith in our hearts.  We can thank God for miracles every day.  To God be the Glory!

Running the Race

Our family has really been enjoying the Olympics this year.  It's amazing to see how dedicated these people are to their training and to their sport.  Win or loose, their dedication is inspiring.


It got me thinking about my journey with cancer.  It really is like a race, and even more like a marathon.  It's not something you can sprint through.  You put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Some parts of the race are easier while others are much harder.  But to get to the finish line you just keep going.  Win or loose, you just need to get there.


With cancer there are many ways of looking at if you are winning or loosing.  It all depends on where you are in your treatment and what you are hoping for.  For most winning will mean being in remission.  For others like myself, winning means having a good quality of life.  That's what I've been praying for and that is what God has granted me this last month with more energy.  


One month ago I started a clinical trial with the drug veliparib, a parp inhibitor.  Our goal with this was truly to have a better quality of life.  Anything else we always felt would be an extra blessing from God.  Well, He in His infinite wisdom and mercy decided to give us an extra blessing. 
After one month I got my first cancer number back today. It is 500!!!! It had been somewhere between 1300 and 1400 just one short month ago. All I can do is give God the glory!!

When I think back to May when my oncologist suggested this, and then how quickly it came about that I was able to be put on a drug trial, I can only say that this was all in God's control. He had this worked out years ago when we started this journey. He knew I was going to need to be more active so I could help my son with his broken ankle. He knew that through this I could share His awesome power. He knew that this was a time where we needed to see something more tangible in how He is taking care of us. What more can I say but THANK YOU GOD!!

But back to the race.  Yes, my life with cancer is a race with ups and downs.  I just keep pressing forward to the goal of remission.  But really our entire life is a race.  Here's what the Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians:

While I would love the prize of remission, there is a bigger prize that I want even more.  I want the prize of Heaven.  Praise be to God that He has given us this prize not by anything that we have done or might be able to do.  We would never measure up by doing it ourselves.  We have only received this prize through the life, death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am going to run the race God has given me always pressing toward the goal of Heaven.  I can do this by surrounding myself daily with His Word and His promises.  I can be strengthened by receiving His body and blood in communion.  Because of His grace and mercy I will be in Heaven some day.  Even if I never reach the goal of remission, I am still a winner because I am a winner in Christ.

What happens after this is all in God's control. If this is where my number stays that's His plan. If it continues to drop, it's His plan. If it goes up, it's His plan.  We continue to know like it say in Proverbs, 

We will continue to bask in this wonderful news. We will continue to pray boldly to ask for healing.  But no matter what happens, I am a winner in Christ Jesus.

To God Be The Glory

With all things there are times where you just can't explain what has happened.  Sometimes they are big things like being healed from a disease.  Other times they are small things like seeing a rainbow on a day you need to be reminded of God's promises.  For me this blog is a great example ofthe unexplainable.


In less than a month God surely has blessed this blog.  It has already reached people in 11 different countries.  He has led people to this site more than 1000 times.  There are people following the blog.  I have had nothing to do with this.  It has all been in God's plan.


I want to thank all of you who have read my blog, shared my blog, and even prayed about my blog with me.  Thank you for putting up with my limited knowledge of blogging.  I am trying to learn more to make this better.  Where this goes I have no idea.  My only prayer is that it continues to share God's love with others.


I hope you can see something today or in the near future than can't be explained.  When that happens, know that you have a loving God who is taking care of every part of your life as only He can do.

What If My Cancer Becomes Chronic Cancer?

Just over three years ago I was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer.  It was unexpected, scary and devastating.  But once the surgery was done we were given hope that I would go into long-term remission.  I was young, healthy, and even though it wasn't caught early, my team felt I was one who could beat it.

Just over two years ago, four months after finding No Evidence of Disease (NED), the cancer was back.  While this was hard to hear, we felt that it was found early and once again I could have NED.  That wasn't the case.  Because of my BRCA mutation, and the fact that it was found so quickly, my oncologist termed my cancer as platinum resistant, recurrent, and incurable.  We were now looking at quality of life issues rather than quantity of life issues. 

Just recently I heard a term that is much more tolerable than incurable. Chronic cancer was the term I heard.   Incurable, at least for me at first,  gave me the thought that I was going to die very soon.  But that wasn't the case.   Chronic means that it is ongoing and can be treated, even if it isn't cured. Chronic means that there are options out there that can help you keep your cancer at bay. Chronic means that you can live a full life, even if it isn't as easy as before you had cancer.  There are many chronic diseases out there like diabetes, arthritis and fibromyalgia.  Cancer can be one of them.

So what do you do if you find out your cancer is chronic?  For each person it is different.  Some people, like me, will rely on their oncologist and team to give them the best course of action.  Others will do lots of research finding different methods of treatment or lifestyles (diets, naturopaths) to change their treatment or help their treatment.  Others might just choose to stop treatment depending on their age, how long they've been battling, or just knowing they can't handle any more treatment.  That is what my mom decided to do when she was battling ovarian cancer.  There is no one right answer for everyone.  It has to be what is right for you.

There are some things, however, that I think everyone can do when faced with chronic cancer.

1. Give yourself the right to be sad at times.  We so often hear that we need to stay positive and strong to beat this, we feel like breaking down isn't either of those things.  It's OK to be sad.  It's OK to be scared.  However, if you feel sad all the time, you might have  a chemical imbalance or a vitamin deficiency.  I have been on a calming medication that works for me.  Talk to a doctor or psychiatrist for help.
2. Find an eating plan that is right for you.  Dealing with cancer long-term means your body is going to go through lots of changes.  One that happened to me recently was that all of the sudden I became lactose intolerant.  I have many digestive issues so I'm trying to keep up with my fiber intake and need to take a daily dose of Miralax.  I also need to keep up on my protein intake because of the chemo I am now on, because that just makes me feel better.  It's a juggling act, and at times I feel like I'm always learning something new, but it's something that you can do.  Once again, make sure you talk about any diet changes with your oncologist.
3. Get exercise when you can.  When I first started battling cancer, I was able to do lots of walking.  The more chemos I've been on, the harder it has become.  Another reason is that I got very sick the beginning of this year due to fluid build-up and I couldn't spend much time out of bed.  Even taking a shower put me down for a couple of hours.  I've learned to walk either around the house or outside, depending on what is right for me that day.  None of these walks are long. And, even though I get discouraged at times, I look back and remember where I was just a few short months ago.  And sometimes exercise just means activity.  I can do much more around the house than I was able to.  That not only build up my body, but also my mental state.
4. Rest when you need to.  I think that is one of the hardest things for me because I was always such an active person.  But once again, just like the previous point, I was very sick and I have to remember that my body needs rest.  So I try and rest when my body tells me to.  If I rest each time my body tells me to, then I'm not so tired the next day.  If I don't, there is a good possibility that I will be super tired and not able to do much the next day.
5. Look for the blessings in your life.  Dealing with cancer is hard and at times we get so consumed with cancer we forget to look around us and see all that we have versus what we have lost through cancer.  My palliative care nurse told me to find something tangible that gives me joy every day.  She has flowers that she can smell and see every day and that gives her joy. My joy in general comes from my children.  Once again, it will be different for everyone. 
6. This last one might seem strange, but it's one I've learned over three years of chronic cancer.  Look for blessings that have come from your cancer.  My children and I are much closer as we have gone through the ups and downs of cancer.  My husband and I communicate better.  I never knew how many people truly cared about me until cancer came into our lives.  Would I want to have cancer if I had the choice?  Absolutely not.  But at the same time I wouldn't want to never see the blessings that have come through my cancer.

The things above can help you as you deal with chronic cancer.  But that is not what is going to get you through every up and down that you have.  The only person that will do that is our God.  I've learned and relearned how to rely on Him.  He is the source of my perseverance.  Here is a Bible verse that talks about perseverance.

It can seem strange to see in writing that we can rejoice in our sufferings. Note that it says in our sufferings, not because of our sufferings. Just look at all the things suffering produces -- perseverance, or bearing up under adversity; character, or positive attributes through withstanding tough situations, and hope, or trust and confidence.  God works all these things in us through the hardships that enter our lives, whether it be money struggles, family struggles, health struggles, and even chronic cancer.

And what about that hope, or that trust and confidence.  In all our struggles, we have that hope and confidence that God will take care of us.  Why?  Because He has already taken care of our biggest struggle, our sin.  He did that when He sent His Son to live a perfect life, die on the cross and rise again.  Our sins are forgiven, no matter how great or small we think they are. We now have the hope of going to Heaven.  If our biggest struggle has been taken care of, how can we not say the God can take care of these other ones?

You can deal with chronic cancer, not because of your own power or knowledge, but because of the power and love of our God.  Let Him lead you in all the decisions you have to make.  Let Him build your perseverance, character and hope.  That's how I have been able to deal with this diagnosis, and that's how you will too.

Can Our Children Handle Cancer?

It's my children's last day of school today.  I can't tell you how excited I am to have them around more again.  We are at a point where, in general, they get along and are helpful.  I told someone recently I will probably go nuts this summer with their silliness rather than their fighting.


But what to do we with our children when something bad comes up in our family life?  I think it's our natural instinct, especially as moms, to try and protect them.  I don't think it matters how young or old are children are.  We are like that mother hen we hear about who has snuggled all her chicks under her while a fire is blazing around them.  The mother hen dies, but the chicks survive.  It's a beautiful story, but I don't believe that's always the best to not show the trials they could be facing.


When I was diagnosed with cancer my children came to mind almost instantly.  How were they going to handle this news?  My daughter had already seem my mom die of the same cancer I now had.  How is she going to handle the possibility of her mom dying?  What about my boys?  They were only 7 at the time and are slightly autistic.  Could they even comprehend what was going on inside of me?


It wasn't until at least two years later that I realized how well they were coping with our family life being different.  I had one of those moments where I thought, "Of course they can handle this.  God has and will make sure of it!"


As adults we can look back at our lives and see the times that were hard and see how things have fallen into place in the past or the present that got us through those hard times.  That's not coincidence, it's God.  Our God has put everything into place to help us.  There are two verses that constantly remind me of this.


The first is Philippians 4:13.

This verse reminds me that I am not strong because of anything I have or can do. It reminds me that whatever trials I go through, God will be right there giving me the strength I need. He has shown that to me over and over not only in what I have had to overcome, but also by what my children have been able to handle.


The second is Jeremiah 29:11.

This has been a go to verse for our family ever since my diagnosis.  Why?  Because we are reminded that even in the worst times God has our backs!  He has a plan for all of us.  His ultimate plan, to get us to Heaven, was already taken care of when He sent His son to die for our sins.  Since that is already taken care of, how can I not be sure that His plan for me will also be wonderful.  It might not result in healing, but it will result in my going home to Heaven.


With these two verses we have been able to do things with our children to help them deal with our life with cancer.  From the beginning, we were able to be very honest and open with them about what was going on, at an age-appropriate level.  I was reminded at a recent parent workshop from a teen who saw her mom die from cancer that "Kids aren't stupid!"  They will figure out that something is wrong if you don't tell them.  One game we played when I was first diagnosed was guessing how much my cancer number had gone down.  Because at the beginning of this journey we were counting on a cure, it was a tangible way for them to all see that the chemo was working.


Another thing God blessed us with to help our children was our introduction to Gilda's Club in Seattle.  We have a wonderful children's counselor there who runs many programs for children and parents.  Our first glimpse of that was Camp Sparkle where they talked about cancer in the morning and went on a field trip in the afternoon.  It has made a world of difference in their lives ever since.  There are Gilda's Clubs around the country that might be able to help you too.


God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  While that isn't a Biblical quote, I believe it's true, not because of our strength but because of God's.  And if it's true for adults, it's also true for children.  Jesus brought children into his arms when He was here; He will be faithful to bring them into His arms today.