You Just Never Know...

"Knowledge is power!"  I don't remember where I heard that for the first time.  I'm pretty sure it was part of a children's program I watched as a child.  It makes sense.  The more you know, the more you can cope, adjust and learn.  We pursue knowledge so we can make better choices.  We pursue knowledge so we can do better at our jobs.  We pursue knowledge to learn more about the hobbies we enjoy.  

But as much as we try to gain more knowledge, there are some things we will just never know.  Whether it's because we can't find the answer or because it's just not something we truly will never understand, we will never know everything.  I'm here to tell you that there are times where that is a wonderful thing.

A little over a year ago I started a new medication called a PARP inhibitor.  I was very sick and chemo wasn't working anymore.  My oncologist was able to get this medication for me in hopes that it would just help me feel better and give me a little of my life back.  That was the knowledge we had and hope for.  Guess what?  God had so much more to show me and my family.  Here is what happened this year.

• My cancer number, or CA-125 dropped from around 1350 to 46.  While I'm not yet cancer-free, my disease is stable or shrinking.  I never knew I would be thankful for stable disease.
• My energy has returned.  While I'm still not where I was before cancer, I am able to do more with my family again. I was able to get to most of my children's sports events and other activities.  I never knew I would be thankful for bleacher butt.
• I am able to be a wife and a mother again.  I'm cooking again and finding so many new recipes to try.  We don't have to rely on others to bring us food or help with household chores.  I never knew that I would be happy to clean bathrooms.

But there are even more amazing things that God has shown me this year.  I can stand here today and say I am a walking miracle.  There are others that have been on this same medication and the success hasn't been as great.  It starts of well, and as quickly as it starts working it stops working.  I'm still on this medication a year later with my disease shrinking and my body is functioning well.  Often times with the mutation I have there is another mutation that goes along with it which stops the PARP inhibitor from working.  (This is something that was just recently discovered.)  It looks like, because I have been on this for so long, that I don't have that mutation.  I can only praise God for this.  He has made me a walking miracle!  I never knew I would be given a blessing like that.

God has blessed me in more ways than I can count through this cancer.  I've been able to witness to many, help others through their journeys, and I have been given countless reminders of how God has my whole life in control.  He has a better plan than I could ever dream up.  It makes me love this passage even more:

It also reminds me of this passage :

There have been so many times through the past four years where I have been reminded of this passage.  Knowledge and logic would say that these fires and waters I've had to pass through should have driven me into despair and farther from God.  Questions like "How could God do this to a good person?" or "Is God really there if He's allowing me to suffer like this?"  should have turned me away from God.  But they didn't!  God carried me!  He uplifted me!  He protected me!  Why?  Because He loves me and He wants me to be with Him in Heaven.  He loves me so much that no matter what comes my way, He is going to make sure that I can be confident of His promises to care for me and take me home with Him to Heaven.  That's why I love this next passage even more:

So, you truly just never know what God has in store for you.  No matter what struggles you, or your friends, or your family, or your acquaintances are going through, God is going to work it out better than we could ever imagine.  I'm glad there were so many things I didn't know, because God has given me even bigger gifts because of it.

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.

When Miracles Happen

Have you ever hoped for a miracle?  I always thought about all those miracles performed in the Bible and thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I saw something like that?"  I'm here to tell you today that God is working a miracle in me.

A short month ago I told you how my new treatment was working so well.  Last week Thursday I got a call from my oncologist.  Now understand, she rarely calls me and it's usually due to something we have to change in our treatment.  That wasn't the case this time.  She just had to call because she was so excited.  If you remember, last time my Ca-125 dropped from 1300+ to 500.  Well, it dropped again, this time to 192.  It hasn't been that low since April of 2011.  She just can't believe the results we are getting from this drug. Neither can her team because they had to call me early Friday morning because they were also very excited.

From a human standpoint, it's easy to see why this looks so unbelievable.  We got this drug faster than anyone is normally supposed to get it.  It's working better than anyone expected.  I have energy and stamina like I haven't had in years.  How can this be explained?

But I know.  It's God and all God.  The God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere is the one who had this plan worked out for me before the world was created.  He knew I was going to need more strength to help my son with his broken ankle.  He knew that it was time for me to be more involved with my family.  He knew it was time for me to see His awesome power. 

Join me today in praising our God and Savior for the physical miracle he is working in me.  But also join me in praising God for the miracle He has worked in you -- that is the miracle of your faith.  We know that He worked that miracle in you because of of this verse in Ephesians:

 

We are all miracles because of God's grace working faith in our hearts.  We can thank God for miracles every day.  To God be the Glory!

Running the Race

Our family has really been enjoying the Olympics this year.  It's amazing to see how dedicated these people are to their training and to their sport.  Win or loose, their dedication is inspiring.


It got me thinking about my journey with cancer.  It really is like a race, and even more like a marathon.  It's not something you can sprint through.  You put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Some parts of the race are easier while others are much harder.  But to get to the finish line you just keep going.  Win or loose, you just need to get there.


With cancer there are many ways of looking at if you are winning or loosing.  It all depends on where you are in your treatment and what you are hoping for.  For most winning will mean being in remission.  For others like myself, winning means having a good quality of life.  That's what I've been praying for and that is what God has granted me this last month with more energy.  


One month ago I started a clinical trial with the drug veliparib, a parp inhibitor.  Our goal with this was truly to have a better quality of life.  Anything else we always felt would be an extra blessing from God.  Well, He in His infinite wisdom and mercy decided to give us an extra blessing. 
After one month I got my first cancer number back today. It is 500!!!! It had been somewhere between 1300 and 1400 just one short month ago. All I can do is give God the glory!!

When I think back to May when my oncologist suggested this, and then how quickly it came about that I was able to be put on a drug trial, I can only say that this was all in God's control. He had this worked out years ago when we started this journey. He knew I was going to need to be more active so I could help my son with his broken ankle. He knew that through this I could share His awesome power. He knew that this was a time where we needed to see something more tangible in how He is taking care of us. What more can I say but THANK YOU GOD!!

But back to the race.  Yes, my life with cancer is a race with ups and downs.  I just keep pressing forward to the goal of remission.  But really our entire life is a race.  Here's what the Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians:

While I would love the prize of remission, there is a bigger prize that I want even more.  I want the prize of Heaven.  Praise be to God that He has given us this prize not by anything that we have done or might be able to do.  We would never measure up by doing it ourselves.  We have only received this prize through the life, death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am going to run the race God has given me always pressing toward the goal of Heaven.  I can do this by surrounding myself daily with His Word and His promises.  I can be strengthened by receiving His body and blood in communion.  Because of His grace and mercy I will be in Heaven some day.  Even if I never reach the goal of remission, I am still a winner because I am a winner in Christ.

What happens after this is all in God's control. If this is where my number stays that's His plan. If it continues to drop, it's His plan. If it goes up, it's His plan.  We continue to know like it say in Proverbs, 

We will continue to bask in this wonderful news. We will continue to pray boldly to ask for healing.  But no matter what happens, I am a winner in Christ Jesus.

To God Be The Glory

With all things there are times where you just can't explain what has happened.  Sometimes they are big things like being healed from a disease.  Other times they are small things like seeing a rainbow on a day you need to be reminded of God's promises.  For me this blog is a great example ofthe unexplainable.


In less than a month God surely has blessed this blog.  It has already reached people in 11 different countries.  He has led people to this site more than 1000 times.  There are people following the blog.  I have had nothing to do with this.  It has all been in God's plan.


I want to thank all of you who have read my blog, shared my blog, and even prayed about my blog with me.  Thank you for putting up with my limited knowledge of blogging.  I am trying to learn more to make this better.  Where this goes I have no idea.  My only prayer is that it continues to share God's love with others.


I hope you can see something today or in the near future than can't be explained.  When that happens, know that you have a loving God who is taking care of every part of your life as only He can do.

Sometimes with Cancer Things Do Go Well

When you are fighting cancer, it's easy to get caught up in the hard things.  You can see the good things, like numbers going down, tumors shrinking, or even feeling better.  But just like any difficult memory it's hard to totally block it our of your mind, and at times it can consume you.  That's what my day was like on Tuesday. 


Wednesday morning I felt better physically.  As I was waiting to be picked up for hydration I went on Pinterest and saw this picture:

That struck me profoundly.  In my cancer journey we've been waiting for things for a while now.  I took a step back, prayed, and knew for sure that I did trust God when His answer was wait.  I just didn't know that His answer was going to change that day.


Yesterday as I was in hydration, one of my oncologist's nurses came up to see me.  This is not a normal thing so it was a surprise.  She said,"I have some good news for you.  Well, at least I think it's good news."  My friend and I were a bit taken aback with her statement, but that's the type of humor I've gotten to know from her over the past three years.  She then told me that I had been approved for the parp inhibitor.  I was in shock, mostly because it wasn't supposed to happen this quickly.


When you go through this process there is quite a bit of paperwork to fill out.  I didn't have to do any of it, but by the reaction of my nurses, I knew it was going to be a big job.  They also had to get my whole history together and my oncologist had to write up my story as to why this would be beneficial for me.  I had confidence that my team would get this done quickly, but you never know how long a drug company can take to review something like this.


Everyone, my oncologist, my nurses, and of course my family was in shock with the speed that this happened.  I'm also in shock as to how I am going to get this new medicine.  I don't know what was said, who saw this or what made them agree to this.  But I do know that God worked this out just for me.  And this is all I can say in response:

I'm sure some of you are wondering what a parp inhibitor is.  The best layman's term explanation that someone sent me was from the website Cancer Research UK.

"To use an analogy, cells with a faulty BRCA gene are like a table that’s had one of its legs knocked out from under it. It can still just about function, although it’s a bit wobbly. Knocking out the other leg (using PARP inhibitors) makes the table completely unstable and it falls over.

PARP inhibitors work by preventing cancer cells from repairing certain types of damage to their DNA. Most healthy cells have other ways of repairing DNA damage so they aren’t affected by the drugs, but cancer cells with faulty BRCA1 or BRCA2 can’t carry out these repairs. The combined effect of knocking out both DNA repair mechanisms is so severe that the cancer cells die."  (If you want a little more information from this site here's the link) 

 http://scienceblog.cancerresearchuk.org/2011/07/12/widening-the-net-for-parp-inhibitors/


If everything goes smoothly, I will be starting my clinical trail on July 6th.  I will be on the parp inhibitor Veliparib or ABT-888.  A parp inhibitor is different from chemo in that you take it orally rather than through infusion. One plus will be I won't have to make as many trips to the cancer center. I will be taking 3 pills twice a day, for a total of 6 pills a day.  This will be something I will continue on, as far as I know at this point, indefinitely.   The main side effect is nausea, which could be a challenge for me because it's hard to find something that will calm my nausea.  But that should improve after about two weeks.  I have heard from others on this parp inhibitor that they have done fine with the nausea and some haven't had any.  We will just let God lead the way on that one.


We meet with my oncologist on July 2nd and we will have our many questions answered. 


Is this the silver bullet or the golden ticket that we have been hoping for?  Truly, only God knows that.  The main reason my oncologist wanted me on this is because she knew it would give me the best quality of life I could have while still fighting cancer.  But like I've always said, cancer isn't bigger than God.  Now, as always, we pray for another yes to come my way. If it doesn't I will just look back at today and remember "Do you trust me when my answer is wait? ~God"