My Shell

I suppose when some of you look at the title of this posting, you might be thinking about someone who reverts into their "shell" when life gets hard.  Those of you who know me well know that is not what I do.  I'm not talking about that kind of shell, but the earthly shell of my body.

I got to thinking about this about a week ago when I received my daily devotion entitled "How Are You Today?".  What struck me the most in this devotion was the first paragraph:

 "Pearl was one of the most enthusiastic Christians I’ve known, even though she suffered through the pain of polio and all of its complications for many years. When people would greet her and inquire, "How are you today?" she would cheerfully answer, "Just fine!" Those who knew what Pearl went through in life—difficulties including being confined to a wheelchair and losing her fiancée because of the polio—sometimes questioned her sincerity. "How can you say you're fine when you are suffering so much?" Pearl's sincere response was: "How I feel has very little to do with how I am. You see, the part of me that hurts is just a shell, not the real me, and the real me is just fine!"

It really got me thinking about my attitude toward my chemo and my cancer.  My standard response lately has been, "I'm ok, just really tired. We just keep going one day at a time."  I've been disheartened because I am so tired already, and have already noticed that I don't feel comfortable doing things that I was able to do just a month ago.  Chemo-brain has come back with a vengeance.  I can't remember names, I loose my train of thought easily and I can get confused by things that made sense before.  After almost two years of feeling somewhat normal again, it's been hard accepting that things are going to change again.

Yet, I can say with Pearl, the real me is just fine.  This passage from 2 Corinthians tells me why.

 
Outwardly, my body and parts of my mind are going to increasingly waste away with this chemo.  I learned today on a board that the worst part of the chemo is the tiredness.  I'm going to have to learn to adjust to that.  Of course my confusion at times with chemo-brain will get worse.  I will have to be patient with myself and my family will have to learn to be patient with me by not trying to finish my sentences or figure out what I'm trying to say.  Yet those parts of me don't really matter.  It's my soul that matters, and God is using many things to keep me focused on Him and to make sure I am renewed every day.

This week I was blessed with a great renewal.  The Junior Class at Evergreen Lutheran High School was given an assignment to write letters to me encouraging me and my family as we continue in this journey we are on.  Most of them don't know me well, even though they know my daughter.  These letters could have easily been very simple things that were written, but they weren't.  Each letter was written to truly help me.  Stories were shared, Bible passages quoted and used, and promises of prayers were given.  Each letter renewed my soul.  Some made me laugh, others made me cry, but each one was a gift from God to renew me.  

Tomorrow I have my next chemo session. Outwardly, because of this, I am wasting away.  That's just the way it is for all of us.  But these troubles we all face are just light and momentary.  One day our shells will be renewed to their perfect glory.  Until then, I will be thankful for the many ways that God uses people and His Word to renew my soul. And I can say with confidence "I'm just fine!" 

Focusing On I AM

Today I start chemo again.  I am not looking forward to it.  I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I was.  But once again I feel at peace. It's not peace knowing that I will be healed. but it's peace knowing that everything is under control.

Yesterday our pastor came over to have a devotion with us.  I always appreciate the time he takes to care for our souls and our faith.  He could have talked with us about many things -- trust in God, don't be afraid, rely on Him -- and the list could go on and on.  But instead he focused on a verse that he had just read from John.

Jesus had just been talking to the Jews who were claiming he was demon-possessed and a Samaritan, two horrible claims for Jews at this time.  They didn't like that he was saying that if anyone keeps God's word they would never taste death.  Abraham and the prophets died and they kept God's word, so how was this even possible.

Jesus answer told them that He knew God, for He is God.  He told them He was around before Abraham was born.

So what does this mean for me and for you?  It means that before we were even thought of, God was there.  It means that before we were born, God was there.  It means that before our major trials in life, He was there.  And it means that during our major trials in life, He will continue to be there.  

God is always with us.  He doesn't change.  Here's what it says in James.

 

Since God never changes, He will be there for all of us in the way He knows is best.  He will do whatever He has to to keep us close to Him.  We never have to worry about not being good enough for His grace, because Jesus took care of that for us.  And since Jesus took care of our worst problem, He will take care of us in the way He knows is best, and nothing will ever sway Him from that.

There is so much unknown in our lives.  There is much right now with the new chemo I am going to start.  But through that all I will have peace, focusing on God, who is I AM. 

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.