Focusing On I AM

Today I start chemo again.  I am not looking forward to it.  I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I was.  But once again I feel at peace. It's not peace knowing that I will be healed. but it's peace knowing that everything is under control.

Yesterday our pastor came over to have a devotion with us.  I always appreciate the time he takes to care for our souls and our faith.  He could have talked with us about many things -- trust in God, don't be afraid, rely on Him -- and the list could go on and on.  But instead he focused on a verse that he had just read from John.

Jesus had just been talking to the Jews who were claiming he was demon-possessed and a Samaritan, two horrible claims for Jews at this time.  They didn't like that he was saying that if anyone keeps God's word they would never taste death.  Abraham and the prophets died and they kept God's word, so how was this even possible.

Jesus answer told them that He knew God, for He is God.  He told them He was around before Abraham was born.

So what does this mean for me and for you?  It means that before we were even thought of, God was there.  It means that before we were born, God was there.  It means that before our major trials in life, He was there.  And it means that during our major trials in life, He will continue to be there.  

God is always with us.  He doesn't change.  Here's what it says in James.

 

Since God never changes, He will be there for all of us in the way He knows is best.  He will do whatever He has to to keep us close to Him.  We never have to worry about not being good enough for His grace, because Jesus took care of that for us.  And since Jesus took care of our worst problem, He will take care of us in the way He knows is best, and nothing will ever sway Him from that.

There is so much unknown in our lives.  There is much right now with the new chemo I am going to start.  But through that all I will have peace, focusing on God, who is I AM. 

Falling In His Arms

You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
 The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
 This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
 When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
                                     (Safe by Phil Wickham)

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin tonight.  I just know that I need to put this down so I can move on.

After praying for peace for a week, we got peace in a way we weren't hoping for, but one we really were expecting.  The Parp Inhibitor that I've been taking since July of 2012 has seemed to have stopped working. Because this is a study medication, protocol dictates that when it no longer shows that it is keeping the cancer at bay the patient needs to be taken off the medication.

My CT scan showed that even though the cancer spots that they have been watching are still stable, the lymph nodes aren't.  We knew of one that they had been watching, but now there are three.  They are just above my diaphragm.  The second she told me where they were, it all finally made sense.  I have had some breathing issues when walking at times, and when I bend over sometimes I can also have some problems getting dizzy when I stand up.

It is time for me to go back on chemo.  We had the choice to wait a month to see what exactly would happen.  My cancer number could have not jumped that much, or it could have jumped a ton.  Paul and I had about 10 minutes to talk things over while my oncologist was talking with the clinic nurses.  Waiting just never felt right, even though it was an option.  The possibility was there that I could stay off it for many months if I wasn't too symptomatic.  But that didn't feel right to either of us.  We didn't want to be in a situation where I was really sick and then had to start chemo.  So by the time she came back with another option for chemo, we knew we had to start now rather than wait.  The waiting would be more stressful than the chemo.

I will be starting chemo again in two weeks.  I will get it every three weeks.  I will be on a chemo where I have to be careful about touching cold things.  Touching cold things  2-3 days after chemo could lead to neuropathy.  I won't loose my hair, but it might thin.  The steroids are going to be the tough part again.  We do know in general what to expect, so that will be helpful. 

We will need help again.  With all the places our kids need to get to, we will be relying on some of you to help us.  I know I will need people to take me to chemo again.  What else we will need I don't know yet.  We will have the next five days to figure things out since Paul took some vacation time.  Once again this wasn't in our original plan to have him take time off now, but God always knows what is best.  We are grateful for that time now. 

I don't know what the next two weeks will bring as our family gets ready to start the chemo protocol again.  I don't know that this chemo or any chemo will ever kill the cancer.  What we do know is that God has promised to be with us. 

He has promised to hold us up with his righteous hands.  

We will be failing into His Arms very often these next two weeks, learning again how to rely on His strength to get us through these days.  May He help us to fall into His arms and remember all the amazing things he has done, not for our earthly life, but for our heavenly one.

When Peace Seems Far Away

 Hold it all together
 Everybody needs you strong
 But life hits you out of nowhere
 And barely leaves you holding on  
(From Just Be Held by Casting Crowns)

That's kind of what my last month has felt like.  It's also why I haven't posted since we found out about the jump in my last cancer number.  We have been so busy between basketball, physical therapy for Melanie, Lent and then just every day life, I haven't had the time to even focus on writing.  But today it's necessary.

By the time many of you read this, I will have had my CT scan.  We decided, with encouragement from my oncologist, that we do my routine CT scan a month early.  Aside from the normal tiredness of a busy life, some things have seemed a bit off from time to time.  So now it's time for another scan, another blood test, another period of waiting to find out what is going to happen next.  And as I pray all I really long for is peace.

When we started this journey almost 5 years ago I had peace.  I woke up from my surgery knowing that I had cancer and I had this incredible sense of peace.  It was that peace that's described in Philippians 4:7

   We knew everything was going to be fine.  I'm sure at that time it was a feeling that I was going to be healed, but it was even more than that.  I was at peace with what was coming.  My heart and my mind felt guarded.  It was what peace was always meant to be.

I'm longing for that type of peace again.  After almost five years of fighting something, I'm tired.  I'm not tired to the point of giving up.  I'm tired of having cancer. 

 And when you're tired of fighting
 Chained by your control
 There's freedom in surrender
 Lay it down and let it go 

That verse is what I need to focus on now.  I need to once again let God show me where to go and what to do.  And I need to focus on where my true peace is: In Christ, In His Sacrifice, In Heaven.

 If your eyes are on the storm
 You'll wonder if I love you still
 But if your eyes are on the cross
 You'll know I always have and I always will

 And not a tear is wasted
 In time, you'll understand
 I'm painting beauty with the ashes
 Your life is in My hands

I know many of you lift me up daily in your prayers.  I know many of you are praying for my healing.  The rest of this week, I ask you to change your prayers for me.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for my peace.  Please storm God's throne with prayers to help me remember where my peace truly lies.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for peace while my family and I wait for the results on Friday.  And finally please storm God's throne with prayers for guidance as we continue this journey.
Because with those prayers and by God's grace I will be able to feel that peace I long for, because I will be held by Him.

 Lift your hands, lift your eyes
 In the storm is where you'll find Me
 And where you are, I'll hold your heart
 I'll hold your heart
 Come to Me, find your rest
 In the arms of the God who wont let go

 So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
 You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
 Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
 I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
 Just be held, just be held

World Cancer Day -- We Are Not Alone

Today is World Cancer Day.  If you watched the Super Bowl you would have seen this commercial by Chevrolet.  I know when we first heard the song we were wondering what this commercial was talking about. Then I saw the woman in the short hair and I knew.  One of my sons was sitting by me and when he saw the end of the commercial, he just squeezed my arm and said, "That's for you, Mom."

One thing I think that they were trying to convey is to show that cancer survivors need support.  But what I really liked about that commercial was what they said at the end about survivors.  Too often we think of survivors as those who have fought and won.  Chevy clearly spelled it out when they said they were "...celebrating survivors and those who support them in their road to recovery."  That encompasses everyone, from the person who is just starting a battle, to one who has finished, and even to the one who might have a battle that will last for more years than anyone thought was possible.

It's still hard for me to think about the fact that I am one of those fighting survivors and that my family has to face my cancer every day.  God has been gracious and given us more strength to deal with this than any of us would have ever dreamed possible.  But sometimes it's easy to feel like you are all alone in your fight.  Your friends and your family are there, but they just can't understand what you are going through.  And the survivors are there for there family, but even they don't know what their family is going through.  That feeling of being alone can become so overwhelming that at times you wonder if anyone really remembers anymore.  In your head you know it's not true, but the emotions take over and cry out in longing for some tangible comfort and support.

If we had to rely on our fellow man only for comfort, we could never be satisfied.  But because we have an omnipresent, or all present God, we have comfort surrounding us at all times.  He has promised to be with us always, to the very end of the age.

  He has promised that He has a plan for us. 

He has promised that what He has in store for us is better than anything we could understand.

But most importantly He promised His Son, a promise that has already been fulfilled.

 

You might be wondering what you can do today, or any day,  to support the survivors of cancer.  First and foremost, pray.  God has promised to hear our prayers and nothing is too big to ask of him.  But there are always other things you can do.  If you know someone who is just starting the battle, do something for them.  Don't ask what they need, instead just do something to brighten a day.  If you know someone who has the blessing of beating the disease, remind them that you are still thinking of them.  Rejoice with them that they have the gift of remission, a gift from God.  If you know someone who is in a long battle, don't forget them.  Listen to the joys and the fears that are had.  Think of a way to brighten a day.  God's love will shine through with whatever you do.  And if there is someone close to being done with a battle and it looks like they will be going to their eternal home, offer as much support as you can and constantly remind them of God's unfailing love.

May God use this day to lead many to show their support for cancer survivors and their families.  And may He also lead people to continue to support all those fighting.