I've been waiting for a yes for over five years now. It's a yes that once rang in my ears for a very short time in 2010. It's a yes that my family longs to hear so we can have a normal life. We are waiting for a yes to the question, "Am I in remission." Yet it never seems to come. And since it never seems to come, a different battle starts. Rather than being a battle against cancer, it becomes more of an emotional battle.
Most of you don't know this, but I have been in one of the toughest battles I have had since my diagnosis. It's not a physical one, but a spiritual one. Yes, I have been in a spiritual battle. I have been fighting the devil who is trying to get me to question God's love for me. I have been fighting the devil who is trying to get me to ask God if He hears me anymore. It's a battle I have not enjoyed.
This battle started with something that for most people would be a huge blessing. We have been trying to go to Disneyland since April. We postponed it to August because of high prices. We then postponed it to October because of hot weather I couldn't handle. Everything was looking great until we got a call from our travel agent. Disney wanted to move us because of baseball playoffs. They were going to give us an extra day, a better hotel, and cover any cost overruns. We would go in December on our anniversary and would be able to spend New Year's Eve in Disneyland. Like I said, for most people this would be a huge blessing. For me, it just brought some anxiousness.
We hadn't found out what my newest cancer number was before this. One reason I was excited about October was because I knew I would be on a treatment that was easy on my body. Now with our trip being postponed until December, I couldn't be so confident. Through prayer Paul felt it was the way to go.
Then we got the call. My number had jumped significantly, from 178 to 242. My oncologist wanted to know if I had been experiencing any symptoms. I hadn't noticed any aside from being a little more tired, but with school starting that made a bit more sense. She said that numbers can jump around quite a bit on this treatment, so we would keep the course for now and see what happened.
After the phone conversation, the tears fell. What was going on? Last time it dropped for the first time in a long time, and now it's jumped up again? We just changed our trip. Are we going to make it? Will I be able to handle all the walking, or will I have to be pushed around in a wheel chair. Will I be able to handle the crowds?
And of course, the devil really started working. And then I realized why I hadn't been praying for myself anymore -- I didn't know if God would ever answer yes to my prayers. He seems to have been saying no or wait for so long, I just started figuring it would always be that way and I could just let others do the praying for me. Understand, I could pray for everyone else knowing that God could and would answer those prayers with a yes. What really hit me was when I was at urgent care with one of my boys and he needed me to pray with him. It took every ounce of will that I had to believe that God would answer the prayer for my son with a yes. That's when I knew I was in a very big spiritual battle.
I'm still in it. God's giving me things all around to remind me. A sermon on Romans 8:26-27
A passage or two in my daily devotions:
The biggest part of my battle is wondering if that yes will ever come again. But then today, God gave me what I really needed. It came in the way of this devotion titled When God Says No. In this devotion Chyrstal Evans Hurst talked about changing our reaction when God says no. It sunk in a little bit, but when I read this quote from her, the Holy Spirit really opened my eyes.
Does this mean my spiritual warfare is over? Not by any means. The devil is working hard to get me to keep questioning God. Yet I know that God is the one who is going to lead me through this. I know the Holy Spirit will keep praying for me with stronger words and more emotion than I could ever muster. And Jesus keeps interceding for me reminding God of all He did by dying on the cross for me. One day my yes will come. Until that day, I trust in Him.
My heart aches for you, Lisa. What a difficult battle you are in, struggling against the devil. He certainly knows just where we are weakest. What joy would be his if he could get you, a strong witness to God's care and love, to doubt and question and perhaps even reject that faith you have shared with so many these past 5 years. I rejoice that God has led you to some of His promises which have strengthened you in the struggle against the Evil One. May God continue to grant you ever more strength from His Word.
ReplyDeleteThank you for having the courage and humility to share your battle with us. We will continue to keep you in our prayers, Lisa. We love you.
Thanks for the prayers. I want to assure you that I have never been close to rejecting my faith. If I died today, I know where I will be, in Heaven because of what Jesus did. Yet at the same time I know the devil will do other things to get me to that point. It took a while to share because I had to understand what I was going through and feel comfortable sharing it with everyone. Once again, God led me to that decision. Now I wait for whatever His yes might be.
DeleteLisa, when I read your title and your post, I thought of the Apostle Paul's words to his friends in Corinth:
ReplyDelete“But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not “Yes” and “No.” For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.” (2 Corinthians 1:18–22 NIV84).
As I think about your battle, I think of Jacob, wrestling with a stranger. He was desperate for an answer and a blessing. He received God's "yes"--a new name and a limp. Probably not the "yes" he was expecting. I see Jesus in the garden, asking for his Father's "yes," sweating blood and fighting so that we would see his commitment to us and his rescue plan. The Father gave him the "yes," and sent him on to the cross. "But for us fights the Valiant One, whom God himself elected." Amen, Lord Jesus. Amen!
We are fighting this battle with you, wrestling with the Lord in prayer and asking that he shield you from Satan's attacks. We send you our love, along with our tears, and will continue to ask for the Lord's "yes"!
Jon and Kay