Then the treatments started. I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all. If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet. None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.
Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me? No. I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do. If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am. But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.
Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic. I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July. When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back. Was it because my numbers went up? Nope. It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.
What this means is that I have stable disease. That's a good thing, really it is. It means the cancer isn't growing. It means I can stay on this medication. It means I can keep living my life with my family. It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease. But I didn't focus on any of that. I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.
You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication. Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation. Talk about misplaced trust!
Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust. We started with this hymn:
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.
I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.