Focusing On I AM

Today I start chemo again.  I am not looking forward to it.  I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I was.  But once again I feel at peace. It's not peace knowing that I will be healed. but it's peace knowing that everything is under control.

Yesterday our pastor came over to have a devotion with us.  I always appreciate the time he takes to care for our souls and our faith.  He could have talked with us about many things -- trust in God, don't be afraid, rely on Him -- and the list could go on and on.  But instead he focused on a verse that he had just read from John.

Jesus had just been talking to the Jews who were claiming he was demon-possessed and a Samaritan, two horrible claims for Jews at this time.  They didn't like that he was saying that if anyone keeps God's word they would never taste death.  Abraham and the prophets died and they kept God's word, so how was this even possible.

Jesus answer told them that He knew God, for He is God.  He told them He was around before Abraham was born.

So what does this mean for me and for you?  It means that before we were even thought of, God was there.  It means that before we were born, God was there.  It means that before our major trials in life, He was there.  And it means that during our major trials in life, He will continue to be there.  

God is always with us.  He doesn't change.  Here's what it says in James.

 

Since God never changes, He will be there for all of us in the way He knows is best.  He will do whatever He has to to keep us close to Him.  We never have to worry about not being good enough for His grace, because Jesus took care of that for us.  And since Jesus took care of our worst problem, He will take care of us in the way He knows is best, and nothing will ever sway Him from that.

There is so much unknown in our lives.  There is much right now with the new chemo I am going to start.  But through that all I will have peace, focusing on God, who is I AM. 

Falling In His Arms

You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
 The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
 This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
 When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
                                     (Safe by Phil Wickham)

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin tonight.  I just know that I need to put this down so I can move on.

After praying for peace for a week, we got peace in a way we weren't hoping for, but one we really were expecting.  The Parp Inhibitor that I've been taking since July of 2012 has seemed to have stopped working. Because this is a study medication, protocol dictates that when it no longer shows that it is keeping the cancer at bay the patient needs to be taken off the medication.

My CT scan showed that even though the cancer spots that they have been watching are still stable, the lymph nodes aren't.  We knew of one that they had been watching, but now there are three.  They are just above my diaphragm.  The second she told me where they were, it all finally made sense.  I have had some breathing issues when walking at times, and when I bend over sometimes I can also have some problems getting dizzy when I stand up.

It is time for me to go back on chemo.  We had the choice to wait a month to see what exactly would happen.  My cancer number could have not jumped that much, or it could have jumped a ton.  Paul and I had about 10 minutes to talk things over while my oncologist was talking with the clinic nurses.  Waiting just never felt right, even though it was an option.  The possibility was there that I could stay off it for many months if I wasn't too symptomatic.  But that didn't feel right to either of us.  We didn't want to be in a situation where I was really sick and then had to start chemo.  So by the time she came back with another option for chemo, we knew we had to start now rather than wait.  The waiting would be more stressful than the chemo.

I will be starting chemo again in two weeks.  I will get it every three weeks.  I will be on a chemo where I have to be careful about touching cold things.  Touching cold things  2-3 days after chemo could lead to neuropathy.  I won't loose my hair, but it might thin.  The steroids are going to be the tough part again.  We do know in general what to expect, so that will be helpful. 

We will need help again.  With all the places our kids need to get to, we will be relying on some of you to help us.  I know I will need people to take me to chemo again.  What else we will need I don't know yet.  We will have the next five days to figure things out since Paul took some vacation time.  Once again this wasn't in our original plan to have him take time off now, but God always knows what is best.  We are grateful for that time now. 

I don't know what the next two weeks will bring as our family gets ready to start the chemo protocol again.  I don't know that this chemo or any chemo will ever kill the cancer.  What we do know is that God has promised to be with us. 

He has promised to hold us up with his righteous hands.  

We will be failing into His Arms very often these next two weeks, learning again how to rely on His strength to get us through these days.  May He help us to fall into His arms and remember all the amazing things he has done, not for our earthly life, but for our heavenly one.

When Peace Seems Far Away

 Hold it all together
 Everybody needs you strong
 But life hits you out of nowhere
 And barely leaves you holding on  
(From Just Be Held by Casting Crowns)

That's kind of what my last month has felt like.  It's also why I haven't posted since we found out about the jump in my last cancer number.  We have been so busy between basketball, physical therapy for Melanie, Lent and then just every day life, I haven't had the time to even focus on writing.  But today it's necessary.

By the time many of you read this, I will have had my CT scan.  We decided, with encouragement from my oncologist, that we do my routine CT scan a month early.  Aside from the normal tiredness of a busy life, some things have seemed a bit off from time to time.  So now it's time for another scan, another blood test, another period of waiting to find out what is going to happen next.  And as I pray all I really long for is peace.

When we started this journey almost 5 years ago I had peace.  I woke up from my surgery knowing that I had cancer and I had this incredible sense of peace.  It was that peace that's described in Philippians 4:7

   We knew everything was going to be fine.  I'm sure at that time it was a feeling that I was going to be healed, but it was even more than that.  I was at peace with what was coming.  My heart and my mind felt guarded.  It was what peace was always meant to be.

I'm longing for that type of peace again.  After almost five years of fighting something, I'm tired.  I'm not tired to the point of giving up.  I'm tired of having cancer. 

 And when you're tired of fighting
 Chained by your control
 There's freedom in surrender
 Lay it down and let it go 

That verse is what I need to focus on now.  I need to once again let God show me where to go and what to do.  And I need to focus on where my true peace is: In Christ, In His Sacrifice, In Heaven.

 If your eyes are on the storm
 You'll wonder if I love you still
 But if your eyes are on the cross
 You'll know I always have and I always will

 And not a tear is wasted
 In time, you'll understand
 I'm painting beauty with the ashes
 Your life is in My hands

I know many of you lift me up daily in your prayers.  I know many of you are praying for my healing.  The rest of this week, I ask you to change your prayers for me.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for my peace.  Please storm God's throne with prayers to help me remember where my peace truly lies.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for peace while my family and I wait for the results on Friday.  And finally please storm God's throne with prayers for guidance as we continue this journey.
Because with those prayers and by God's grace I will be able to feel that peace I long for, because I will be held by Him.

 Lift your hands, lift your eyes
 In the storm is where you'll find Me
 And where you are, I'll hold your heart
 I'll hold your heart
 Come to Me, find your rest
 In the arms of the God who wont let go

 So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
 You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
 Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
 I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
 Just be held, just be held

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.

Learning to Be an Inspiration

Inspiration.  One dictionary definition states that inspiration is

 I'm sure we've all seen things or known people who inspire us for different reasons.  I never thought that becoming a cancer patient would make me an inspiration. 


Throughout the past three years some people have said that I'm inspirational. I still don't quite know how to react to that. I can't say it's anything that I've ever striven to be. It's very humbling to have someone say that to me. In all honesty though, when you are a cancer patient it's hard to see yourself as an inspriation because this isn't something you chose to do, but instead it's something that has been thrust upon you.  I heard one cancer patient say that after so many times of being called someone's hero she felt like saying, "I can't be.  It's not like I ran into a burning building to save someone's life!" 


But as cancer patients surviving each day, sometimes with dignity and grace, and other times with not so much, people look at us and are surprised how we survive it all.  That's what is inspiring to them and makes us heroes of sorts.  We look at it as just survival while they look at it as something amazing and something they could never do.  I'm sure that even as cancer patients we can look at other's struggles and wonder if we could get through that.  That's why I  think anyone can be inspirational. Let me tell you about a few who have been inspirational to me.

I have a friend who is the first to volunteer meals and help whenever someone is sick or in need. I have another friend who lost part of her family in a car accident and then was able to direct a wonderful Christmas concert a month later. I have friends who after their father died were able to sing in full voice and as loudly as they could their father's favorite hymns at his visitation. I have another friend who can look money problems in the eye and with full confidence know that God will take care of them. I have another friend who you know when she promises to pray for you will do so for days on end, even when she has many trials of her own. I never knew if I could do what they did. But they weren't inspirational for what they did. These people were inspirational to me because I could see God through them. They knew God was right there and they could get through the bad stuff. And I've learned that's what is hard for one, can be easy for another. It's all in God's plan.


So for us, cancer might be the "easy" trial. It's not because of anything we have done. And it's not because there aren't hard parts. There are many parts of this trial that have been dowright discouraging over the past three years.   It's because God through His grace and mercy is letting us feel Him every day in some way. We have done nothing to deserve this. Our prayer is that when the next trial comes our way, that we can remember how God helped us through this one and that we can keep clinging to Him knowing that He is guiding our path for His good.


Yes, it is hard to hear the words that I am an inspiration to others at times.  I don't feel worthy to be called an inspiration.  But if I can in any way shine God's light through this cancer, then, with God's help, that it what I will strive to do.  And with God's help you can do it too.

Can Our Children Handle Cancer?

It's my children's last day of school today.  I can't tell you how excited I am to have them around more again.  We are at a point where, in general, they get along and are helpful.  I told someone recently I will probably go nuts this summer with their silliness rather than their fighting.


But what to do we with our children when something bad comes up in our family life?  I think it's our natural instinct, especially as moms, to try and protect them.  I don't think it matters how young or old are children are.  We are like that mother hen we hear about who has snuggled all her chicks under her while a fire is blazing around them.  The mother hen dies, but the chicks survive.  It's a beautiful story, but I don't believe that's always the best to not show the trials they could be facing.


When I was diagnosed with cancer my children came to mind almost instantly.  How were they going to handle this news?  My daughter had already seem my mom die of the same cancer I now had.  How is she going to handle the possibility of her mom dying?  What about my boys?  They were only 7 at the time and are slightly autistic.  Could they even comprehend what was going on inside of me?


It wasn't until at least two years later that I realized how well they were coping with our family life being different.  I had one of those moments where I thought, "Of course they can handle this.  God has and will make sure of it!"


As adults we can look back at our lives and see the times that were hard and see how things have fallen into place in the past or the present that got us through those hard times.  That's not coincidence, it's God.  Our God has put everything into place to help us.  There are two verses that constantly remind me of this.


The first is Philippians 4:13.

This verse reminds me that I am not strong because of anything I have or can do. It reminds me that whatever trials I go through, God will be right there giving me the strength I need. He has shown that to me over and over not only in what I have had to overcome, but also by what my children have been able to handle.


The second is Jeremiah 29:11.

This has been a go to verse for our family ever since my diagnosis.  Why?  Because we are reminded that even in the worst times God has our backs!  He has a plan for all of us.  His ultimate plan, to get us to Heaven, was already taken care of when He sent His son to die for our sins.  Since that is already taken care of, how can I not be sure that His plan for me will also be wonderful.  It might not result in healing, but it will result in my going home to Heaven.


With these two verses we have been able to do things with our children to help them deal with our life with cancer.  From the beginning, we were able to be very honest and open with them about what was going on, at an age-appropriate level.  I was reminded at a recent parent workshop from a teen who saw her mom die from cancer that "Kids aren't stupid!"  They will figure out that something is wrong if you don't tell them.  One game we played when I was first diagnosed was guessing how much my cancer number had gone down.  Because at the beginning of this journey we were counting on a cure, it was a tangible way for them to all see that the chemo was working.


Another thing God blessed us with to help our children was our introduction to Gilda's Club in Seattle.  We have a wonderful children's counselor there who runs many programs for children and parents.  Our first glimpse of that was Camp Sparkle where they talked about cancer in the morning and went on a field trip in the afternoon.  It has made a world of difference in their lives ever since.  There are Gilda's Clubs around the country that might be able to help you too.


God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  While that isn't a Biblical quote, I believe it's true, not because of our strength but because of God's.  And if it's true for adults, it's also true for children.  Jesus brought children into his arms when He was here; He will be faithful to bring them into His arms today.