Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
(From Just Be Held by Casting Crowns)
That's kind of what my last month has felt like. It's also why I haven't posted since we found out about the jump in my last cancer number. We have been so busy between basketball, physical therapy for Melanie, Lent and then just every day life, I haven't had the time to even focus on writing. But today it's necessary.
By the time many of you read this, I will have had my CT scan. We decided, with encouragement from my oncologist, that we do my routine CT scan a month early. Aside from the normal tiredness of a busy life, some things have seemed a bit off from time to time. So now it's time for another scan, another blood test, another period of waiting to find out what is going to happen next. And as I pray all I really long for is peace.
When we started this journey almost 5 years ago I had peace. I woke up from my surgery knowing that I had cancer and I had this incredible sense of peace. It was that peace that's described in Philippians 4:7
We knew everything was going to be fine. I'm sure at that time it was a feeling that I was going to be healed, but it was even more than that. I was at peace with what was coming. My heart and my mind felt guarded. It was what peace was always meant to be.
I'm longing for that type of peace again. After almost five years of fighting something, I'm tired. I'm not tired to the point of giving up. I'm tired of having cancer.
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
That verse is what I need to focus on now. I need to once again let God show me where to go and what to do. And I need to focus on where my true peace is: In Christ, In His Sacrifice, In Heaven.
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
I know many of you lift me up daily in your prayers. I know many of you are praying for my healing. The rest of this week, I ask you to change your prayers for me. Please storm God's throne with prayers for my peace. Please storm God's throne with prayers to help me remember where my peace truly lies. Please storm God's throne with prayers for peace while my family and I wait for the results on Friday. And finally please storm God's throne with prayers for guidance as we continue this journey.
Because with those prayers and by God's grace I will be able to feel that peace I long for, because I will be held by Him.
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
