The Best Way to Prepare

I'm getting ready for chemo  (or ch-eeemo as my one son likes to call it) again on Friday.  Right now that means a few different things.  I like the house basically clean and picked up so it doesn't bother me when I'm too tired to do much of anything.  We are looking at our children's activities for the next week to see what we can get them to ourselves and where we need help driving.  We are looking to see what days meals will be brought over and deciding if some freezer meals need to be made before Friday.  These are normal things for us again with chemo every three weeks.

It's different now from when I started this five years ago.  Then it was learning everything I could about side effects, the drugs I would be on, and figuring out ways to keep my children calm.  As time went on, learning about things didn't seem as important as prepping the family for the chemo time as well as making every bit of family time count.  All these ways were great ways for us to prepare for what was coming.  It all depended on what we needed.

No matter what we face we all will prepare in different ways.  Packing for vacations means some will wait until the last minute while others will spend weeks or months making sure everything is ready.  Getting ready for a surgery means some will research everything they can while others want to know as little as possible so they won't worry about the possible complications.  Preparing really depends on the person and what they need to succeed or feel comfortable.

Yet their are some things for which we will never be ready: the death of a parent, the diagnosis of a friend, the hurt from an argument, the diagnosis of cancer.  No matter how much we try to be ready for some things, we just can't do it.  It just seems like too much.

Yet, we are prepared for these things more than we might know.  As I was reading my Bible this morning, I was readying in Exodus about the defeat of the Amalekites.  This is the story where Moses kept his hands raised in a blessing over the Israelites.  As long as his hand were up, the Israelites were winning.  He couldn't keep this up on his own, so Aaron and hut brought him a stone to sit on and held up his hands.  After a long day of battle, the Israelites won.  

I've heard and read this story many times and have always loved the way God led friends to help Moses.  But that isn't what struck me today.  It was these words from Exodus 17: 9, 13-14.

Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."... So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword. Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven."

This battle took place over 40 years before Joshua was going to be leader of the Israelites.  But this needed to be part of his training for all the battles that were to come when they were finally allowed to enter Israel.  Not only did God show everyone that Joshua would be a great leader, He also made sure that this event was written on a scroll for Joshua to hear and remember.  There was no way that Joshua could have prepared himself for what was to come, but God could.  And since God is all-knowing, He knew the absolute best way to prepare Joshua.  He does the same for us.

How do we know this?  We know because God has known us since before time began.  This is what he says in Psalm 139:15-16.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

 God knew everything that was going to happen to us before we were born, even before we were conceived.  He knows what will happen and He knows how to help us.  That help might come in the form of a lesson taught, words from a friend, or something read.  

But even more amazing is that help can come in ways that we just don't see and might never know about on this side of Heaven.  I had many car difficulties when I was in college.  One of my cars was totaled when a friend was driving it; in one of my cars the gas gauge wasn't working and we ran out of gas on a major highway; one of my cars was a lemon with a rebuilt engine that we sometimes had to leave running while we filled up with gas, and this same car broke an axle 10 miles out of town when it had just been fixed.  My brothers said after I had twins and we found out that they were autistic was that God gave me these car troubles to prepare me for the unexpected.  Maybe that is true, maybe not,  But through all those things God was preparing me to always trust in Him.  He truly means what He says in Jeremiah 29:11-13.

Whatever you are preparing for, prepare in the way that fits you best.  Just know that you have an amazing God who has already done so many things to help you, and will continue to do many more things for you in the future.  

Falling In His Arms

You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
 The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
 This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
 When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
                                     (Safe by Phil Wickham)

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin tonight.  I just know that I need to put this down so I can move on.

After praying for peace for a week, we got peace in a way we weren't hoping for, but one we really were expecting.  The Parp Inhibitor that I've been taking since July of 2012 has seemed to have stopped working. Because this is a study medication, protocol dictates that when it no longer shows that it is keeping the cancer at bay the patient needs to be taken off the medication.

My CT scan showed that even though the cancer spots that they have been watching are still stable, the lymph nodes aren't.  We knew of one that they had been watching, but now there are three.  They are just above my diaphragm.  The second she told me where they were, it all finally made sense.  I have had some breathing issues when walking at times, and when I bend over sometimes I can also have some problems getting dizzy when I stand up.

It is time for me to go back on chemo.  We had the choice to wait a month to see what exactly would happen.  My cancer number could have not jumped that much, or it could have jumped a ton.  Paul and I had about 10 minutes to talk things over while my oncologist was talking with the clinic nurses.  Waiting just never felt right, even though it was an option.  The possibility was there that I could stay off it for many months if I wasn't too symptomatic.  But that didn't feel right to either of us.  We didn't want to be in a situation where I was really sick and then had to start chemo.  So by the time she came back with another option for chemo, we knew we had to start now rather than wait.  The waiting would be more stressful than the chemo.

I will be starting chemo again in two weeks.  I will get it every three weeks.  I will be on a chemo where I have to be careful about touching cold things.  Touching cold things  2-3 days after chemo could lead to neuropathy.  I won't loose my hair, but it might thin.  The steroids are going to be the tough part again.  We do know in general what to expect, so that will be helpful. 

We will need help again.  With all the places our kids need to get to, we will be relying on some of you to help us.  I know I will need people to take me to chemo again.  What else we will need I don't know yet.  We will have the next five days to figure things out since Paul took some vacation time.  Once again this wasn't in our original plan to have him take time off now, but God always knows what is best.  We are grateful for that time now. 

I don't know what the next two weeks will bring as our family gets ready to start the chemo protocol again.  I don't know that this chemo or any chemo will ever kill the cancer.  What we do know is that God has promised to be with us. 

He has promised to hold us up with his righteous hands.  

We will be failing into His Arms very often these next two weeks, learning again how to rely on His strength to get us through these days.  May He help us to fall into His arms and remember all the amazing things he has done, not for our earthly life, but for our heavenly one.

When Peace Seems Far Away

 Hold it all together
 Everybody needs you strong
 But life hits you out of nowhere
 And barely leaves you holding on  
(From Just Be Held by Casting Crowns)

That's kind of what my last month has felt like.  It's also why I haven't posted since we found out about the jump in my last cancer number.  We have been so busy between basketball, physical therapy for Melanie, Lent and then just every day life, I haven't had the time to even focus on writing.  But today it's necessary.

By the time many of you read this, I will have had my CT scan.  We decided, with encouragement from my oncologist, that we do my routine CT scan a month early.  Aside from the normal tiredness of a busy life, some things have seemed a bit off from time to time.  So now it's time for another scan, another blood test, another period of waiting to find out what is going to happen next.  And as I pray all I really long for is peace.

When we started this journey almost 5 years ago I had peace.  I woke up from my surgery knowing that I had cancer and I had this incredible sense of peace.  It was that peace that's described in Philippians 4:7

   We knew everything was going to be fine.  I'm sure at that time it was a feeling that I was going to be healed, but it was even more than that.  I was at peace with what was coming.  My heart and my mind felt guarded.  It was what peace was always meant to be.

I'm longing for that type of peace again.  After almost five years of fighting something, I'm tired.  I'm not tired to the point of giving up.  I'm tired of having cancer. 

 And when you're tired of fighting
 Chained by your control
 There's freedom in surrender
 Lay it down and let it go 

That verse is what I need to focus on now.  I need to once again let God show me where to go and what to do.  And I need to focus on where my true peace is: In Christ, In His Sacrifice, In Heaven.

 If your eyes are on the storm
 You'll wonder if I love you still
 But if your eyes are on the cross
 You'll know I always have and I always will

 And not a tear is wasted
 In time, you'll understand
 I'm painting beauty with the ashes
 Your life is in My hands

I know many of you lift me up daily in your prayers.  I know many of you are praying for my healing.  The rest of this week, I ask you to change your prayers for me.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for my peace.  Please storm God's throne with prayers to help me remember where my peace truly lies.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for peace while my family and I wait for the results on Friday.  And finally please storm God's throne with prayers for guidance as we continue this journey.
Because with those prayers and by God's grace I will be able to feel that peace I long for, because I will be held by Him.

 Lift your hands, lift your eyes
 In the storm is where you'll find Me
 And where you are, I'll hold your heart
 I'll hold your heart
 Come to Me, find your rest
 In the arms of the God who wont let go

 So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
 You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
 Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
 I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
 Just be held, just be held

You Just Never Know...

"Knowledge is power!"  I don't remember where I heard that for the first time.  I'm pretty sure it was part of a children's program I watched as a child.  It makes sense.  The more you know, the more you can cope, adjust and learn.  We pursue knowledge so we can make better choices.  We pursue knowledge so we can do better at our jobs.  We pursue knowledge to learn more about the hobbies we enjoy.  

But as much as we try to gain more knowledge, there are some things we will just never know.  Whether it's because we can't find the answer or because it's just not something we truly will never understand, we will never know everything.  I'm here to tell you that there are times where that is a wonderful thing.

A little over a year ago I started a new medication called a PARP inhibitor.  I was very sick and chemo wasn't working anymore.  My oncologist was able to get this medication for me in hopes that it would just help me feel better and give me a little of my life back.  That was the knowledge we had and hope for.  Guess what?  God had so much more to show me and my family.  Here is what happened this year.

• My cancer number, or CA-125 dropped from around 1350 to 46.  While I'm not yet cancer-free, my disease is stable or shrinking.  I never knew I would be thankful for stable disease.
• My energy has returned.  While I'm still not where I was before cancer, I am able to do more with my family again. I was able to get to most of my children's sports events and other activities.  I never knew I would be thankful for bleacher butt.
• I am able to be a wife and a mother again.  I'm cooking again and finding so many new recipes to try.  We don't have to rely on others to bring us food or help with household chores.  I never knew that I would be happy to clean bathrooms.

But there are even more amazing things that God has shown me this year.  I can stand here today and say I am a walking miracle.  There are others that have been on this same medication and the success hasn't been as great.  It starts of well, and as quickly as it starts working it stops working.  I'm still on this medication a year later with my disease shrinking and my body is functioning well.  Often times with the mutation I have there is another mutation that goes along with it which stops the PARP inhibitor from working.  (This is something that was just recently discovered.)  It looks like, because I have been on this for so long, that I don't have that mutation.  I can only praise God for this.  He has made me a walking miracle!  I never knew I would be given a blessing like that.

God has blessed me in more ways than I can count through this cancer.  I've been able to witness to many, help others through their journeys, and I have been given countless reminders of how God has my whole life in control.  He has a better plan than I could ever dream up.  It makes me love this passage even more:

It also reminds me of this passage :

There have been so many times through the past four years where I have been reminded of this passage.  Knowledge and logic would say that these fires and waters I've had to pass through should have driven me into despair and farther from God.  Questions like "How could God do this to a good person?" or "Is God really there if He's allowing me to suffer like this?"  should have turned me away from God.  But they didn't!  God carried me!  He uplifted me!  He protected me!  Why?  Because He loves me and He wants me to be with Him in Heaven.  He loves me so much that no matter what comes my way, He is going to make sure that I can be confident of His promises to care for me and take me home with Him to Heaven.  That's why I love this next passage even more:

So, you truly just never know what God has in store for you.  No matter what struggles you, or your friends, or your family, or your acquaintances are going through, God is going to work it out better than we could ever imagine.  I'm glad there were so many things I didn't know, because God has given me even bigger gifts because of it.

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.

The Joy Dare ~ January 16 - 31

January 16 ~ 3 Witnessed Blessings

• Last night I was able to start going to my support group again at Gilda's Club.  What a wonderful night it was! We had three more women join us who needed support as much as we did.  What a blessing from God to be able to connect with people face to face who are dealing with the same disease  I am.
• Yesterday I also witnessed the blessing of my family once again as we sat around the dinner table.  I know I've been thankful for this before, but these times are so precious to me.  The laughter and conversation are things I will always treasure.
• This last one is years in the making.  Facebook has been a wonderful blessing in my life because of all the people I have been able to reconnect with and also stay in touch with them.  Some of my greatest blessings on there are the students I taught and how so many of them have the Lord in their life. 

January 17~ A Gift Bringing Laughter, Prayer, Quiet

• I just had a conversation with my oncology nurse.  Normally you wouldn't think that something like that would bring laughter, especially since it had nothing to do with my treatment.  But when you've had a relationship with someone for four years, even though it's on a clinical basis, they really do become your friend.  I laughed, really in awe, because I found out that I'm somewhat of a celebrity at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.  My oncologist has been using my story to show the success of what has been working so well for me.  I was in a newsletter, which I knew about, but I also found out that she's been sharing my story at different conferences.  My nurse jokingly said that I hope no one stops you on the street because I might feel like Kim Kardashian or something. Thank you God for the amazing staff you have provided for me!
• Most mornings I get up at least an hour before my children do so I can spend some quiet time in devotion and Bible reading.  I treasure that time of quiet before the busy day starts.  It helps me keep my focus on God throughout the day.
• My prayer life has definitely been leading me to keep trusting God.  Each oncology visit always brings some anxiety.  Is the treatment still working?  What if I have to go back on chemo?  Am I having a side effect from the drug or am I just getting older?  Learning to trust God once again is something I need to pray for every day.

 (I have gotten behind not because I have forgotten to do this, but because I haven't had the time to sit and blog.  The 18th through the 21 were written in one day.)

January 18 ~  Three Gifts from God's Word
Proverbs 3:5-6 

 

Isaiah 53:4-5

Romans 5: 3-5

January 19 ~ Three Gifts that Might Never Have Been

• My daughter might never have been born.  You see, we lost our first child to a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  We were devastated.  But one month after we lost our first daughter, God blessed us by letting us conceive another.  Now we have one daughter at home in Heaven, and one daughter here with us. 
• When I look at my family, I realize they might never have been here.  I was not enthralled with my husband when I first met him.  I was dating someone else and he just kept hanging around.  We did have some of the same friends and we got together, but he was shorter than me and I just didn't want anything to do with him.  But God knew better.  There were some hard circumstances in my life and he was there when no one else could be.  4 months after we started dating we got engaged.  1 year and 8 days after we started dating we were married.  2 years to the day we started dating we had our first child.  Once again, God knew what He was doing.
• When I look back to last year at this time, things were going down hill fast as far as my health went.  By this time last year I had already been admitted to the hospital once, and had no idea I would need an ambulance ride for another one.  Now, because of a small miracle, God made sure all the right things were in place for me to get a PARP inhibitor to give me and my family a more normal life again.  To God be the Glory!

  January 20 ~ Three Gifts Only Seen Close Up

• Snowflakes amaze me because each one is different.  They also amaze me when I realize that they are created by a frozen microscopic droplet of water, and then because of weather conditions they make these amazing shapes as they fall through the atmosphere.  What beauty in such a small package.   

• This is a magnified sample of sand from the Gobi Desert.  When you realize that soft, warm substance you love to walk in on the beach is actually crushed rocks, it's amazing to think how God works.  And when you have a chance to look at this closely, you see how beautiful it really is.

• One of the most peaceful things I love to look at is a sleeping baby.  But I don't think you can truly realize how peaceful a sleeping baby can be until you look at one closely in your arms.  They are beyond content, trusting that they will wake and someone will be there to care for them.  The sleep is not restless or fitful, but truly renewing.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace!

January 21 ~ A Gift in Sky, in Water, in Memory

• Being from the Pacific Northwest, we get to see quite a few rainbows, especially in the spring.  We regularly get them above our home.  They are always a wonderful reminder of how our God is watching over us and protecting us, and also it reminds us that He will never break a promise He has made.
• My water gift is an odd one because it's our cat's paw.  We have a funny cat, Izzy.  He is truly a scaredy cat, jumping at the slightest noise.  One thing he does that always amuses our guests is to drink out of his water bowl with his paw.  He will only drink if he sticks his paw in the water and laps it off of his paw.  He will never put his face in the bowl.  Is he too scared to get his face wet?  Knowing this cat, he probably is.

• My Mom, or Grandma Judy, died from ovarian cancer 10 years ago.  These were the only grandchildren she got to know -- 4 out of the 18 that are here.  She gets to be with two of them in Heaven.  When I think back to all the love she showed her grandchildren, it makes me smile.  It also makes me smile when I remember how she kept bugging us to get married so she could have grandchildren.  And then she got four in three years.  She could never get enough of her grandchildren, and I will be forever grateful that my daughter had a chance to know her.  We can't wait to see you again!

January 22 ~ A Gift Wrinkled, Smoothed, Unfolded

 

•   When I think of something wrinkled, I think of my mom and grandmother's hands.  They were wrinkled but beautiful.  Their hands worked tirelessly in the kitchen, in mending and in cleaning.  But they were also great for hugs.  But I know the thing I loved most about those hands is that they turned the pages of their Bibles, and they folded them in prayer.  To their last hour they knew they were in God's hands.  Now their hands, whether they are wrinkled or smooth, are praising their Father in Heaven.

• I remember taking out my wedding dress on the day of my wedding and smoothing the front before I saw my husband that day.  That was such an exciting day, seeing each other in our wedding attire for the first time.  We had no idea that our lives were going to be so bumpy, so wrinkled with trials.  But just like my dress, God has smoothed out our paths when we stumble.  He is just bringing us closer to Him.

 

• Letters for the most part are a thing of the past.  We have gone to emails, instant messages, texts and video chat.  But there was always something about unfolding a letter or a note that brought excitement.  You never knew what was going to be said or what you were going to learn.  Most of the time the news was wonderful.  Last year during my hard months I received an actual letter, written over a week, from one of my daughter's grade school teachers.  I think I re-read that letter at least 10 times because it was such a foreign concept to receive one.  What a wonderful blessing from God!

January 19 ~ Three Gifts Found in Christ
How in the world could you only find three gifts today?  I could write an entire book on the gifts found in Christ, and I'm sure some people have.  My first thought went to one of my favorite songs that has become an Easter favorite, In Christ Alone.  If you've never heard this song before, please click on the link to listen to and see an amazing video based on the song.

So to complete my Joy Dare today, I'm going to use the first verse of the song and link them to Bible passages that show just how much Christ has given us.

• In Christ alone my hope is found  ~ 1 Peter 1:3-4  ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you

• He is my light, ~ John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

• my strength ~ Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

• my song ~ Colossians 3:16 ~ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

• This Cornerstone, this solid ground ~ Psalm 95:1 Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
      let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

• Firm through the fiercest drought and storm ~ Psalm 46:1-3        

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging

• What heights of love, ~ John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

•  what depths of peace ~ Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

• When fears are stilled, when strivings cease ~  Isaiah 41:10   So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand                                                   

• My Comforter, ~ John 14: 1-3 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

•  my All in All ~ Ephesians 3: 20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

• Here in the love of Christ I stand ~ Ephesians 3: 17b - 19 And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Oh boy, am I behind again.  But I think I have a better excuse this time : the icky norovirus.   Finally feeling somewhat normal after 3 days.  I did have things written down through the 27th.  So here goes my thankfulness....

January 24 ~ Three things blue

• My daughter's eyes.  From the moment she was born she had her eyes wide open ( no that is not an exaggeration) and they were very blue.  She could not stop looking around.  Today I love looking in her eyes and seeing those beautiful blues filled with compassion for others and full of God's love.
• When my boys were young they used to love yogurt.  We would set them up in their highchairs and they would devour their yogurt.  Many people have pictures of that first birthday cake, well we have pictures of yogurt boys.  Blue yogurt was their favorite, and they have it all over their faces and in their hair to prove it.

• We had blue sky today, just a peek, after being in an inversion that left our area very cold and foggy.  It was so strange to have the mountains and the coast with warmer temperatures that we had.  But with that peek of blue sky today, it was a reminder of God's unending love. 

 January 25 ~ A Grace Borrowed, Found, Inherited

• We have been the fortunate recipients of musical instruments.  Between my three children we have piano, flute, trumpet and trombone playing in our house.  Some days it's crazy, but most days it's wonderful, especially as they are all starting to play for chapel.  We couldn't have afforded these instruments outright.  But we were able to borrow all of them.  Some have turned into permanent fixtures in our home, and we are grateful for all of them.
• I think some of my best graces that I have found have been in my friends.  Many have been found "by accident."  I think back to the time I met my closest friend in college.  I had locked myself out of my room and that was the first time we really met.  I'm so glad she looked over my not so wonderful language at the time and looked at what I was really like.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish we lived closer, and I also know she will be there whenever I need her.
• My favorite inherited gift has to be my love for music.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I can look back at all the times we sang as a family, practiced our many instruments(which we often hated) and the times we made beautiful music together and be thankful.  I'm so glad I get to pass that on to my children who each in their own way have a love for some type of music.  May they use that love to serve God in some way.

January 26 ~ A Gift Before Dawn, At Noon, After Dark

• I was actually up early this morning, which I wasn't happy about at the time.  But then I had the quiet time I needed to get ready for my day.  I had a chance to sit and study God's Word, have some prayer time and a little quiet time before the chaos of the day started.  We might not always agree with what God gives us, but we can always see that what He gives is what is best for us.
• At noon I was actually together with my family.  Considering we are in the midst of basketball season and we had to get to a game that evening, I treasured that time.  Yes it was a little stressful because we were working on some big school projects that were coming up, but we were together.
• I know I don't always show my husband how much I appreciate all he does.  But he was a wonderful support today.  Once we got home after a long day of projects and basketball games, he jumped right in to help get the kids focused for bed, and then he rubbed my aching legs.  He was also very patient with me because I was having a few anxious moments due to some medication I was on.  I love you, Paul!  I'm sorry I never show you enough.

January 27 ~ Three Gifts in the Kitchen

• About three years ago I got my first Kitchen Aid stand mixer.  We never had one growing up so I never understood it's usefulness. Since I have been feeling better we actually put it out on the counter so I could have it more easily accessible.  It was one of the best moves and purchases we made.  I love using it at least once a week to make things for my family.   

 

• I love my kitchen table.  We looked for one for three years before we were able to find one we liked.  It is an old country style table and chairs that is solid and won't fall apart.  It can expand when we have guests over.  This year we hosted Thanksgiving at our house.  It was one of the best dinners we have ever had because of the people that surrounded our table.  I can also think back to the many times we've played games with friends and family, had meals, or just sat around and talked.  I remember the times that friends came over and brought meals during my early years with the twins and then while I was on chemo.  If that table could talk, it would have so many ways to shout out the praises of what God is doing through His people.

 

• We have a full pantry.  Sometimes it's a bit overflowing because I can be a coupon nut and stockpile some things when I can, but it's always full with foods we can eat.  May we never take for granted the food God has given us, and may we never have to go without.

 

January 28 ~ Three Graces Found in Friends

I've learned over the last three years how important friends can be.  Yes they are the ones who make you laugh and listen to your complaints, but they are so much more.  Here are just a few things friends have done for me over the past three years.

• Become an amazing group of prayer warriors
• Brought meals
• Called
• Texted
• Sent cards
• Sent gifts
• Sent flowers
• Cleaned my house
• Taken me to chemo appointments
• Watched my children when I was in the hospital
• Taken my children to and from sporting events
• Fixed our window screens
• Weeded our yard
• Mowed our lawn
• Sent us on amazing trips 
• Gave my children extreme room makeovers

  I look at these things and it brings me to tears.  These people did this not for anything in return, but because of their love for their Savior.  

 

January 29 ~ A Song Heard, A Soft Word, Light Seen

• One of the songs that still reaches me today is called Finally Home by Mercy Me.  I heard this a few years after my mom went home to Heaven.  It reminded me once again of what I have to look forward to when I get Home.
• I was sicker than a dog today with the flu.  My daughter was home with me because she had it as well.  My poor boys had to stay away from me and constantly wash their hands in hopes that they wouldn't get it.  (So far, so good.)  But when one spoke softly that he just wanted to give me a hug, it broke my heart.  I promised him he could hug me all he wanted when I got better.
• The light at the end of the tunnel was seen for my daughter when she was able to eat dinner.  That showed me that my light would be coming soon since I was a day behind her in my sickness.  And it also reminded me that even with my cancer, I can get through a flu bug without having to go to the hospital.  God is so good!

January 30 ~ Three Old Things Seen New

• Every day the Scripture brings something new.  Every time you read it something will speak to you.  Some days things will jump out at you.  The one I remember most recently at really jumping out at me was this verse from John 21:25. " Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written"  I had never thought about that before.  We hear of so many miracles he did that I never thought about the ones He did that we didn't know about.  It's just another reason I can't wait to finally meet Him face to face.

• I have some old pictures that were in my grandparents house.  I remember them on the dining room wall.  They bring such good memories because we would sit around that table for meal but also for playing many games.  Now they are in my house, in my kitchen.  While the new place makes them look a little different, I hope the memories that my children have of those pictures will be just as lovely. 

 

• I also have an old cabbage cutting board that once belonged to my great grandmother.  It was in my parents home, and now it is in mine.  Once again it brings up memories of loving, fun times.  What was once used as a tool for dinner is now one that creates memories of times around the dinner table. 

January 31 ~ A Gift on Paper, in a Person, in a Picture

• My mom went home to Heaven over 10 years ago.  It has gotten harder to remember her voice, her laugh and her touch.  But one thing I will be forever grateful for is having a few things that she wrote.  One is a letter she wrote to my daughter when she was not even three.  My daughter still treasures that letter.  Another thing I have is the Bible passages she wrote down on note cards when  she was battling ovarian cancer.  There have been so many times where I have looked at them and gotten strength in their words.  She used those for comfort, and I am now able to use them as well.  One day they will get passed down to my daughter as another tangible way of how much God loves us.

 

• How can I just pick one person that has shown me so much love?  I have too many friends who have helped me in person, through prayer, or online that I can't pick just one.  Just know that you are always going to be lifted up in prayers of thankfulness for the things you have done.  Even if you think it was just small, it was big.
• When we found out the cancer came back after only three months of remission, people rallied around us with help and with gifts.  Some of those were pictures.  Once again when I was struggling last year more gifts came.  One that has become a focal point of our home is this picture based on Isaiah 49:15-16

 

         Knowing that God has us engraved on the palms of His hand reminds us every day that He is 

          really looking out for our best interests.  He will never, ever forget us or the promises He made

         to us.  That is the best comfort anyone can have in any circumstance.

 

When Miracles Happen

Have you ever hoped for a miracle?  I always thought about all those miracles performed in the Bible and thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I saw something like that?"  I'm here to tell you today that God is working a miracle in me.

A short month ago I told you how my new treatment was working so well.  Last week Thursday I got a call from my oncologist.  Now understand, she rarely calls me and it's usually due to something we have to change in our treatment.  That wasn't the case this time.  She just had to call because she was so excited.  If you remember, last time my Ca-125 dropped from 1300+ to 500.  Well, it dropped again, this time to 192.  It hasn't been that low since April of 2011.  She just can't believe the results we are getting from this drug. Neither can her team because they had to call me early Friday morning because they were also very excited.

From a human standpoint, it's easy to see why this looks so unbelievable.  We got this drug faster than anyone is normally supposed to get it.  It's working better than anyone expected.  I have energy and stamina like I haven't had in years.  How can this be explained?

But I know.  It's God and all God.  The God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere is the one who had this plan worked out for me before the world was created.  He knew I was going to need more strength to help my son with his broken ankle.  He knew that it was time for me to be more involved with my family.  He knew it was time for me to see His awesome power. 

Join me today in praising our God and Savior for the physical miracle he is working in me.  But also join me in praising God for the miracle He has worked in you -- that is the miracle of your faith.  We know that He worked that miracle in you because of of this verse in Ephesians:

 

We are all miracles because of God's grace working faith in our hearts.  We can thank God for miracles every day.  To God be the Glory!

Running the Race

Our family has really been enjoying the Olympics this year.  It's amazing to see how dedicated these people are to their training and to their sport.  Win or loose, their dedication is inspiring.


It got me thinking about my journey with cancer.  It really is like a race, and even more like a marathon.  It's not something you can sprint through.  You put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Some parts of the race are easier while others are much harder.  But to get to the finish line you just keep going.  Win or loose, you just need to get there.


With cancer there are many ways of looking at if you are winning or loosing.  It all depends on where you are in your treatment and what you are hoping for.  For most winning will mean being in remission.  For others like myself, winning means having a good quality of life.  That's what I've been praying for and that is what God has granted me this last month with more energy.  


One month ago I started a clinical trial with the drug veliparib, a parp inhibitor.  Our goal with this was truly to have a better quality of life.  Anything else we always felt would be an extra blessing from God.  Well, He in His infinite wisdom and mercy decided to give us an extra blessing. 
After one month I got my first cancer number back today. It is 500!!!! It had been somewhere between 1300 and 1400 just one short month ago. All I can do is give God the glory!!

When I think back to May when my oncologist suggested this, and then how quickly it came about that I was able to be put on a drug trial, I can only say that this was all in God's control. He had this worked out years ago when we started this journey. He knew I was going to need to be more active so I could help my son with his broken ankle. He knew that through this I could share His awesome power. He knew that this was a time where we needed to see something more tangible in how He is taking care of us. What more can I say but THANK YOU GOD!!

But back to the race.  Yes, my life with cancer is a race with ups and downs.  I just keep pressing forward to the goal of remission.  But really our entire life is a race.  Here's what the Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians:

While I would love the prize of remission, there is a bigger prize that I want even more.  I want the prize of Heaven.  Praise be to God that He has given us this prize not by anything that we have done or might be able to do.  We would never measure up by doing it ourselves.  We have only received this prize through the life, death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am going to run the race God has given me always pressing toward the goal of Heaven.  I can do this by surrounding myself daily with His Word and His promises.  I can be strengthened by receiving His body and blood in communion.  Because of His grace and mercy I will be in Heaven some day.  Even if I never reach the goal of remission, I am still a winner because I am a winner in Christ.

What happens after this is all in God's control. If this is where my number stays that's His plan. If it continues to drop, it's His plan. If it goes up, it's His plan.  We continue to know like it say in Proverbs, 

We will continue to bask in this wonderful news. We will continue to pray boldly to ask for healing.  But no matter what happens, I am a winner in Christ Jesus.

Cancer Is Not Big

Today I just learned of another woman who found out she has ovarian cancer.  Memories of the day that I found out came flooding back once again.  It's always amazing to me how that event in my life can bring back such powerful, scary memories, as well as many questions.  Can I beat this?  Will it beat me?  How will I get through this?  What will happen to me?

It was interesting in the days that followed my diagnosis how my perspective changed.  It turned to can I beat this to I will beat this.  It turned from how will I get through this to I will get through this.  It turned from what will happen to me to God will take care of me.

There was a song from Veggietales that often came to mind during the first few months of treatment.  It was always one of my kids favorites.  It's called God is Bigger than the Boogieman. 

Video for God is Bigger than the Boogieman

It was a song that always made me smile.  It was so simple, yet so true.  And it got me thinking, if God is bigger than the boogieman, then of course God is bigger than cancer.

Now don't get me wrong, cancer is a tough road to go through.  It affects your body, your mind and your spirit.  You go through ups and downs weekly, daily and even multiple times a day.  There are days you wonder if you are going to get through it.  You can't get through it by yourself, you have to rely on God.

Today I got a devotion sent to me that sums up everything about God and why you can rely on Him. 

You can ask the Lord
because He will not give you a wrong answer.
You can wait upon the Lord
because His timing is always perfect.
You can trust in the Lord
because He makes no mistakes.
You can hope in the Lord
because He holds your future.
You can rest in the Lord
because He is in control of your life.
You can lean upon the Lord
because He is completely faithful.

Here are some Bible verses that show that:

So just as God is bigger than the boogieman, He is also bigger than cancer.  And if He is bigger than cancer, which for so many of us is the big problem we never want to face, than of course He is bigger than any trial, struggle, pain or sadness than we have.  What a wonderful God we have!