Focusing On I AM

Today I start chemo again.  I am not looking forward to it.  I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I was.  But once again I feel at peace. It's not peace knowing that I will be healed. but it's peace knowing that everything is under control.

Yesterday our pastor came over to have a devotion with us.  I always appreciate the time he takes to care for our souls and our faith.  He could have talked with us about many things -- trust in God, don't be afraid, rely on Him -- and the list could go on and on.  But instead he focused on a verse that he had just read from John.

Jesus had just been talking to the Jews who were claiming he was demon-possessed and a Samaritan, two horrible claims for Jews at this time.  They didn't like that he was saying that if anyone keeps God's word they would never taste death.  Abraham and the prophets died and they kept God's word, so how was this even possible.

Jesus answer told them that He knew God, for He is God.  He told them He was around before Abraham was born.

So what does this mean for me and for you?  It means that before we were even thought of, God was there.  It means that before we were born, God was there.  It means that before our major trials in life, He was there.  And it means that during our major trials in life, He will continue to be there.  

God is always with us.  He doesn't change.  Here's what it says in James.

 

Since God never changes, He will be there for all of us in the way He knows is best.  He will do whatever He has to to keep us close to Him.  We never have to worry about not being good enough for His grace, because Jesus took care of that for us.  And since Jesus took care of our worst problem, He will take care of us in the way He knows is best, and nothing will ever sway Him from that.

There is so much unknown in our lives.  There is much right now with the new chemo I am going to start.  But through that all I will have peace, focusing on God, who is I AM. 

Falling In His Arms

You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
 The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
 This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
 When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
                                     (Safe by Phil Wickham)

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin tonight.  I just know that I need to put this down so I can move on.

After praying for peace for a week, we got peace in a way we weren't hoping for, but one we really were expecting.  The Parp Inhibitor that I've been taking since July of 2012 has seemed to have stopped working. Because this is a study medication, protocol dictates that when it no longer shows that it is keeping the cancer at bay the patient needs to be taken off the medication.

My CT scan showed that even though the cancer spots that they have been watching are still stable, the lymph nodes aren't.  We knew of one that they had been watching, but now there are three.  They are just above my diaphragm.  The second she told me where they were, it all finally made sense.  I have had some breathing issues when walking at times, and when I bend over sometimes I can also have some problems getting dizzy when I stand up.

It is time for me to go back on chemo.  We had the choice to wait a month to see what exactly would happen.  My cancer number could have not jumped that much, or it could have jumped a ton.  Paul and I had about 10 minutes to talk things over while my oncologist was talking with the clinic nurses.  Waiting just never felt right, even though it was an option.  The possibility was there that I could stay off it for many months if I wasn't too symptomatic.  But that didn't feel right to either of us.  We didn't want to be in a situation where I was really sick and then had to start chemo.  So by the time she came back with another option for chemo, we knew we had to start now rather than wait.  The waiting would be more stressful than the chemo.

I will be starting chemo again in two weeks.  I will get it every three weeks.  I will be on a chemo where I have to be careful about touching cold things.  Touching cold things  2-3 days after chemo could lead to neuropathy.  I won't loose my hair, but it might thin.  The steroids are going to be the tough part again.  We do know in general what to expect, so that will be helpful. 

We will need help again.  With all the places our kids need to get to, we will be relying on some of you to help us.  I know I will need people to take me to chemo again.  What else we will need I don't know yet.  We will have the next five days to figure things out since Paul took some vacation time.  Once again this wasn't in our original plan to have him take time off now, but God always knows what is best.  We are grateful for that time now. 

I don't know what the next two weeks will bring as our family gets ready to start the chemo protocol again.  I don't know that this chemo or any chemo will ever kill the cancer.  What we do know is that God has promised to be with us. 

He has promised to hold us up with his righteous hands.  

We will be failing into His Arms very often these next two weeks, learning again how to rely on His strength to get us through these days.  May He help us to fall into His arms and remember all the amazing things he has done, not for our earthly life, but for our heavenly one.

It's Ok to Cry

Some days on a cancer journey, you just need to cry.  You realize once again you can't be strong all the time and you just need to let it out. Today is one of those days.


Sometimes I just hate chemo so much.  It makes me tired and sick, I don't always want to be around my family and even though my head knows it will just be a few more days of hardship, my heart can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I force myself to eat and drink so I don't get dehydrated, but that's hard because sometimes that makes me feel sick.  I just want to crawl in a hole, sleep, and wake up when this is all over.  Of course that's not the way it's going to be so I have to find another way.


My way is to cry.  It's a release and a cleansing for my mind and my emotions.  For me it always seems to happen in the shower.  There's just something about water that lets my emotions out.  Maybe it's because there's something about water that has always calmed me.  I remember riding my bike to a more secluded spot along Lake Michigan when I was growing up in Illinois.  I could sit and watch the water for hours if I was able to.  The ocean does that same thing for me now.  Now if only the water could take the cancer away.  But it doesn't, so I have to use that water to help calm myself in another way.


So i cry, not only physically but also in prayer.  I ask God to once again give me the courage and the strength to get through yet another round of post-chemo days.  And I am reminded of verses in the Bible where He tells us to call on him and that He hears us.  Two of my favorite are from Psalm 56:8 and Psalm 116:1-2.

Both of these verses remind me that God will hear me when I am feeling like this.  I don't have to be strong for Him or for anyone else.  He is going to carry me through these down days.  Then I will be able to look back and see all the wonderful ways He once again helped me through this trial.


So today I am going to cry.  Will I feel a little guilty about it?  Probably, but that's just because I hate feeling like I can't be there for my family.  But when it is done, I know I will be refreshed by the wonderful love God has for me.  He hears my voice, He turns His ear to me, He keeps track of my sorrows.  And with all that He alone knows the best way to help me.