Tuesday, June 19, 2012

It's Ok to Cry

Some days on a cancer journey, you just need to cry.  You realize once again you can't be strong all the time and you just need to let it out. Today is one of those days.

Sometimes I just hate chemo so much.  It makes me tired and sick, I don't always want to be around my family and even though my head knows it will just be a few more days of hardship, my heart can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I force myself to eat and drink so I don't get dehydrated, but that's hard because sometimes that makes me feel sick.  I just want to crawl in a hole, sleep, and wake up when this is all over.  Of course that's not the way it's going to be so I have to find another way.

My way is to cry.  It's a release and a cleansing for my mind and my emotions.  For me it always seems to happen in the shower.  There's just something about water that lets my emotions out.  Maybe it's because there's something about water that has always calmed me.  I remember riding my bike to a more secluded spot along Lake Michigan when I was growing up in Illinois.  I could sit and watch the water for hours if I was able to.  The ocean does that same thing for me now.  Now if only the water could take the cancer away.  But it doesn't, so I have to use that water to help calm myself in another way.

So i cry, not only physically but also in prayer.  I ask God to once again give me the courage and the strength to get through yet another round of post-chemo days.  And I am reminded of verses in the Bible where He tells us to call on him and that He hears us.  Two of my favorite are from Psalm 56:8 and Psalm 116:1-2.

Both of these verses remind me that God will hear me when I am feeling like this.  I don't have to be strong for Him or for anyone else.  He is going to carry me through these down days.  Then I will be able to look back and see all the wonderful ways He once again helped me through this trial.

So today I am going to cry.  Will I feel a little guilty about it?  Probably, but that's just because I hate feeling like I can't be there for my family.  But when it is done, I know I will be refreshed by the wonderful love God has for me.  He hears my voice, He turns His ear to me, He keeps track of my sorrows.  And with all that He alone knows the best way to help me.

1 comment:

  1. Lisa,
    Crying is cathartic...I cry sometimes for no real reason at all. You have a very real reason for your tears; don't ever feel guilty for being a real human being who needs to let it all out sometimes.
    Thank you for sharing your feelings and your faith in such an open and honest way. You are a gift from God that touches our hearts.