Falling In His Arms

You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms
 The hands that hold the world are holding your heart
 This is the promise He made, He will be with you always
 When everything is falling apart, you will be safe in His arms
                                     (Safe by Phil Wickham)

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin tonight.  I just know that I need to put this down so I can move on.

After praying for peace for a week, we got peace in a way we weren't hoping for, but one we really were expecting.  The Parp Inhibitor that I've been taking since July of 2012 has seemed to have stopped working. Because this is a study medication, protocol dictates that when it no longer shows that it is keeping the cancer at bay the patient needs to be taken off the medication.

My CT scan showed that even though the cancer spots that they have been watching are still stable, the lymph nodes aren't.  We knew of one that they had been watching, but now there are three.  They are just above my diaphragm.  The second she told me where they were, it all finally made sense.  I have had some breathing issues when walking at times, and when I bend over sometimes I can also have some problems getting dizzy when I stand up.

It is time for me to go back on chemo.  We had the choice to wait a month to see what exactly would happen.  My cancer number could have not jumped that much, or it could have jumped a ton.  Paul and I had about 10 minutes to talk things over while my oncologist was talking with the clinic nurses.  Waiting just never felt right, even though it was an option.  The possibility was there that I could stay off it for many months if I wasn't too symptomatic.  But that didn't feel right to either of us.  We didn't want to be in a situation where I was really sick and then had to start chemo.  So by the time she came back with another option for chemo, we knew we had to start now rather than wait.  The waiting would be more stressful than the chemo.

I will be starting chemo again in two weeks.  I will get it every three weeks.  I will be on a chemo where I have to be careful about touching cold things.  Touching cold things  2-3 days after chemo could lead to neuropathy.  I won't loose my hair, but it might thin.  The steroids are going to be the tough part again.  We do know in general what to expect, so that will be helpful. 

We will need help again.  With all the places our kids need to get to, we will be relying on some of you to help us.  I know I will need people to take me to chemo again.  What else we will need I don't know yet.  We will have the next five days to figure things out since Paul took some vacation time.  Once again this wasn't in our original plan to have him take time off now, but God always knows what is best.  We are grateful for that time now. 

I don't know what the next two weeks will bring as our family gets ready to start the chemo protocol again.  I don't know that this chemo or any chemo will ever kill the cancer.  What we do know is that God has promised to be with us. 

He has promised to hold us up with his righteous hands.  

We will be failing into His Arms very often these next two weeks, learning again how to rely on His strength to get us through these days.  May He help us to fall into His arms and remember all the amazing things he has done, not for our earthly life, but for our heavenly one.