When I found out I had to go back on chemo again, I was crushed. Our family has had an amazing 22 months of, for the most part, feeling like a family without cancer. I didn't want to let go of that. I still don't. But that's not the plan God has for me and my family right now. And after praying for 5 years for the same things, there are times where you just don't know what to pray for anymore. It has nothing to do with thinking God doesn't hear me or He doesn't care. That is the farthest thing from the truth. It comes more from wondering if my prayers should go in a different direction.
Right after we found out, my pastor left me a message. I had told him that I just didn't know what to pray for anymore. He said that we should start with this:
That is such the perfect place to start. God's will is perfect. He knows what I need to stay close to Him. He knows what my family needs to stay close to Him. He knows what others need around me to stay close or even bring them to Him. So that's where I have started.
Yet, it still has been hard to know what to pray for without just rambling that phrase over and over again, which I have done often. Then God reminded me of another one of my favorite passages that I have turned to throughout my life when things have been difficult.
This has been such a comfort these past two weeks. I truly have not known what to pray for because it just all seems like too much. Yet this Holy Spirit is interceding for me, asking God for the things that I need when I don't know what it is that I need.
Through all this struggle the past two weeks, God has shown me once again that He is always there for me. He has led me through some low points, as well as given me some breaks where I could just feel normal one last time. And through all that, He has shown me how I should pray.
This morning I realized that even though I really don't know how to pray for myself, I can pray for the others around me. So here is how I'm going to be praying.
- I'm going to be praying for my oncologist. I am going to pray that she can continue to find ways to give me a quality of life. I am going to pray that she never feels defeated, no matter what the outcome. I am going to pray that she continues to see God through me.
- I'm going to pray for my infusion team. I am going to pray that my new team will be as perceptive as my old team was. I am going to pray that God leads them to find ways to help me. And once again I am going to pray that they see God through me.
- I'm going to pray for the nurses at the clinic at SCCA. They have gone through some personal struggles and changes and they need my prayers. I'm going to pray that they can continue to find ways to help all the patients they see every day. And I will pray that they see God through me.
- I'm going to pray for all the friends and family who are helping me. I'm going to pray prayers of thanksgiving that our family has people who are willing to go the extra mile to help us. I'm going to pray that they always have hearts of service, not only for me, but for others as well. And I will pray that they see God through me.
- I'm going to pray for my family, both the ones that are close and the ones that are far away. This has been as hard on them as it has on me. I'm going to pray that they can see God's hand in whatever happens. I'm going to pray that whatever happens God keeps them close. And I will pray that they see God through me.