The Best Way to Prepare

I'm getting ready for chemo  (or ch-eeemo as my one son likes to call it) again on Friday.  Right now that means a few different things.  I like the house basically clean and picked up so it doesn't bother me when I'm too tired to do much of anything.  We are looking at our children's activities for the next week to see what we can get them to ourselves and where we need help driving.  We are looking to see what days meals will be brought over and deciding if some freezer meals need to be made before Friday.  These are normal things for us again with chemo every three weeks.

It's different now from when I started this five years ago.  Then it was learning everything I could about side effects, the drugs I would be on, and figuring out ways to keep my children calm.  As time went on, learning about things didn't seem as important as prepping the family for the chemo time as well as making every bit of family time count.  All these ways were great ways for us to prepare for what was coming.  It all depended on what we needed.

No matter what we face we all will prepare in different ways.  Packing for vacations means some will wait until the last minute while others will spend weeks or months making sure everything is ready.  Getting ready for a surgery means some will research everything they can while others want to know as little as possible so they won't worry about the possible complications.  Preparing really depends on the person and what they need to succeed or feel comfortable.

Yet their are some things for which we will never be ready: the death of a parent, the diagnosis of a friend, the hurt from an argument, the diagnosis of cancer.  No matter how much we try to be ready for some things, we just can't do it.  It just seems like too much.

Yet, we are prepared for these things more than we might know.  As I was reading my Bible this morning, I was readying in Exodus about the defeat of the Amalekites.  This is the story where Moses kept his hands raised in a blessing over the Israelites.  As long as his hand were up, the Israelites were winning.  He couldn't keep this up on his own, so Aaron and hut brought him a stone to sit on and held up his hands.  After a long day of battle, the Israelites won.  

I've heard and read this story many times and have always loved the way God led friends to help Moses.  But that isn't what struck me today.  It was these words from Exodus 17: 9, 13-14.

Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."... So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword. Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven."

This battle took place over 40 years before Joshua was going to be leader of the Israelites.  But this needed to be part of his training for all the battles that were to come when they were finally allowed to enter Israel.  Not only did God show everyone that Joshua would be a great leader, He also made sure that this event was written on a scroll for Joshua to hear and remember.  There was no way that Joshua could have prepared himself for what was to come, but God could.  And since God is all-knowing, He knew the absolute best way to prepare Joshua.  He does the same for us.

How do we know this?  We know because God has known us since before time began.  This is what he says in Psalm 139:15-16.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

 God knew everything that was going to happen to us before we were born, even before we were conceived.  He knows what will happen and He knows how to help us.  That help might come in the form of a lesson taught, words from a friend, or something read.  

But even more amazing is that help can come in ways that we just don't see and might never know about on this side of Heaven.  I had many car difficulties when I was in college.  One of my cars was totaled when a friend was driving it; in one of my cars the gas gauge wasn't working and we ran out of gas on a major highway; one of my cars was a lemon with a rebuilt engine that we sometimes had to leave running while we filled up with gas, and this same car broke an axle 10 miles out of town when it had just been fixed.  My brothers said after I had twins and we found out that they were autistic was that God gave me these car troubles to prepare me for the unexpected.  Maybe that is true, maybe not,  But through all those things God was preparing me to always trust in Him.  He truly means what He says in Jeremiah 29:11-13.

Whatever you are preparing for, prepare in the way that fits you best.  Just know that you have an amazing God who has already done so many things to help you, and will continue to do many more things for you in the future.  

Focusing On I AM

Today I start chemo again.  I am not looking forward to it.  I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I was.  But once again I feel at peace. It's not peace knowing that I will be healed. but it's peace knowing that everything is under control.

Yesterday our pastor came over to have a devotion with us.  I always appreciate the time he takes to care for our souls and our faith.  He could have talked with us about many things -- trust in God, don't be afraid, rely on Him -- and the list could go on and on.  But instead he focused on a verse that he had just read from John.

Jesus had just been talking to the Jews who were claiming he was demon-possessed and a Samaritan, two horrible claims for Jews at this time.  They didn't like that he was saying that if anyone keeps God's word they would never taste death.  Abraham and the prophets died and they kept God's word, so how was this even possible.

Jesus answer told them that He knew God, for He is God.  He told them He was around before Abraham was born.

So what does this mean for me and for you?  It means that before we were even thought of, God was there.  It means that before we were born, God was there.  It means that before our major trials in life, He was there.  And it means that during our major trials in life, He will continue to be there.  

God is always with us.  He doesn't change.  Here's what it says in James.

 

Since God never changes, He will be there for all of us in the way He knows is best.  He will do whatever He has to to keep us close to Him.  We never have to worry about not being good enough for His grace, because Jesus took care of that for us.  And since Jesus took care of our worst problem, He will take care of us in the way He knows is best, and nothing will ever sway Him from that.

There is so much unknown in our lives.  There is much right now with the new chemo I am going to start.  But through that all I will have peace, focusing on God, who is I AM. 

When Peace Seems Far Away

 Hold it all together
 Everybody needs you strong
 But life hits you out of nowhere
 And barely leaves you holding on  
(From Just Be Held by Casting Crowns)

That's kind of what my last month has felt like.  It's also why I haven't posted since we found out about the jump in my last cancer number.  We have been so busy between basketball, physical therapy for Melanie, Lent and then just every day life, I haven't had the time to even focus on writing.  But today it's necessary.

By the time many of you read this, I will have had my CT scan.  We decided, with encouragement from my oncologist, that we do my routine CT scan a month early.  Aside from the normal tiredness of a busy life, some things have seemed a bit off from time to time.  So now it's time for another scan, another blood test, another period of waiting to find out what is going to happen next.  And as I pray all I really long for is peace.

When we started this journey almost 5 years ago I had peace.  I woke up from my surgery knowing that I had cancer and I had this incredible sense of peace.  It was that peace that's described in Philippians 4:7

   We knew everything was going to be fine.  I'm sure at that time it was a feeling that I was going to be healed, but it was even more than that.  I was at peace with what was coming.  My heart and my mind felt guarded.  It was what peace was always meant to be.

I'm longing for that type of peace again.  After almost five years of fighting something, I'm tired.  I'm not tired to the point of giving up.  I'm tired of having cancer. 

 And when you're tired of fighting
 Chained by your control
 There's freedom in surrender
 Lay it down and let it go 

That verse is what I need to focus on now.  I need to once again let God show me where to go and what to do.  And I need to focus on where my true peace is: In Christ, In His Sacrifice, In Heaven.

 If your eyes are on the storm
 You'll wonder if I love you still
 But if your eyes are on the cross
 You'll know I always have and I always will

 And not a tear is wasted
 In time, you'll understand
 I'm painting beauty with the ashes
 Your life is in My hands

I know many of you lift me up daily in your prayers.  I know many of you are praying for my healing.  The rest of this week, I ask you to change your prayers for me.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for my peace.  Please storm God's throne with prayers to help me remember where my peace truly lies.  Please storm God's throne with prayers for peace while my family and I wait for the results on Friday.  And finally please storm God's throne with prayers for guidance as we continue this journey.
Because with those prayers and by God's grace I will be able to feel that peace I long for, because I will be held by Him.

 Lift your hands, lift your eyes
 In the storm is where you'll find Me
 And where you are, I'll hold your heart
 I'll hold your heart
 Come to Me, find your rest
 In the arms of the God who wont let go

 So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
 You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
 Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
 I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
 Just be held, just be held

Yes, I Still Have Cancer

It's been interesting over the last few weeks that I have had several conversations with people who think I am in remission.  I understand that it's easy to forget that I still have cancer.  I'm active, I look normal and it seems like everything is going well.  Tonight we were reminded that the cancer is still there.

After a great report on Friday with my breast MRI, my cancer number came back today.  It went up 14 points.  Since it's never jumped that much in the past four months, I'm sure you can understand why we are a little concerned. The lowest it's been is 49.   I haven't had a chance to talk with my oncologist yet.  In a short email her words were that it's a small jump percentage wise and that I should hang tight.  I'm pretty sure she means that we should just keep going with the course of treatment that we are on. 

I ask tonight that you keep me in your prayers.  I need peace.  I need peace knowing that this isn't the beginning of the end.  I need peace in knowing that this could turn around again.  And mostly I need peace to help me keep going.  

Fortunately the one peace I will never loose in the peace I have knowing my sins are forgiven.  No matter what comes my way, that will never be taken away.  So while I might not have earthly peace, I have eternal peace in Jesus.

Prayers for Peace Needed

This blog was truly intended to help others.  It's different when you feel like you are the one needing help.  It shouldn't be so strange since I have been battling cancer for almost four years. 

First of all I want you to know that my health is fine.  I'm not going through anything big health-wise right now.  It's just a little bump in the road that is making me need some extra prayers.

I had a CT scan last week Wednesday and then saw a clinic physicians assistant on Friday.  The CT scan looked good.  All the spots they are watching are still shrinking.  The fluid that had been collecting last year that made me so sick is almost gone.  I'm still feeling good and I'm easily able to keep up with all my children's activities.  But there is one nagging things that showed up.

My cancer number went up three points.  Now when it's dropped over 1200 since last year, it truly is not a big deal from a medical standpoint.  It's considered stable disease especially with the results of the CT scan.  But it hasn't dropped again in two months.  And when you've spent almost four years playing the numbers game with your cancer number, it's hard not to let a little upturn get you thinking...too much.

I ask that you commit to praying for me daily in this way: that my cancer number starts to go down again.  I know there are those of you who are still continuing to pray for me every day, and that is so appreciated.  I just need this specific prayer on my behalf right now. 

I also need some help with being at peace with what is happening.  My biggest fear is that I will have to go back on chemo again.  With a confirmation coming up, high school for Melanie, and just keeping up with the boys, I was really hoping for a long time without chemo.  I know the devil is working hard to lead me to falter in my faith that God is taking care of me.  He's nagging at me, trying to convince me that God really isn't putting my best interests in mind.  I know that's the farthest thing from the truth.  But I do need your help in fighting the devil's persistent nagging.

I did see an interesting Bible verse from Habakkuk the other day that did help.  It is interesting in that it is an account with wrestling with God.  I do feel like I've been doing that lately, wondering what His plan is again and begging for healing that just never seems to totally come.  But at the very end of the book he writes this:

So even though I can't do this on my own, God will do it for me.  So please join me in prayer this month for peace, for healing, for faith.

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.

Learning to Always be Thankful

 

Being thankful is something that we think should come naturally, but it always doesn't.  It's easy to be thankful when things are going well, but what about when things aren't going well?  Of course, that is when it gets harder.  In the life of a cancer patient, the thankfulness can easily come and go.

2012 ended with much thankfulness for our family.  I am on a treatment that is working and I am feeling better than I have in years.  I have more energy and I feel almost normal again, or at least what I think normal should now be.  But the beginning of 2012 was not like that.  I got sick very quickly.  I was admitted to the hospital three times.  I had to take an ambulance to the hospital because I couldn't breathe, and my children saw that ambulance in front of our house.  I had liters and liters of fluid drained from my abdomen and lungs.  I had to rest for three days just to get to my children's big events.  In some ways all of that seems like a dream now.  But I do remember that it was hard to find those things for which to be thankful.

But when I look back at the beginning of 2012, I can more easily see that there were things that make me overflow with thankfulness.  Our family got closer; our faith grew stronger; we were never without help.  These are all big things, but I'm sure there were many little things that I should have recognized and in turn been thankful.   

That sign above is like a slap in the face, isn't it?  Even in our struggles we are called to be thankful. 

This year I want to strive to be consciously thankful of things every day.  I want to learn to look for the little things to be thankful for, not just the big things.  It won't always be easy, but I will strive to do it.

To accomplish this goal I will have some help.  On New Year's Day a friend posted about this same thankful journey she was going on.  It's called  The Joy Dare.  (The link right here explains what this author, Ann Voskamp, is trying to do and encouraging others to do.)  When I looked at the pdf file I noticed how unique the things were that she was looking for.  I knew instantly this was something I wanted to do.

But the tricky part always is accountability.  I thought about writing everything in a journal, but journal writing for me comes and goes.  Then I remembered my other goal of 2013 was to do some more blogging.  And God, as he always does, helped me realize this was the perfect way to do both.

So throughout the next year I will be posting about the things for which I am thankful.  I will just keep it to one blog post per month and edit it, hopefully, every day.  By the time I am done I should have at least 1000 things that I have been thankful for over 2013.  It's going to be an amazing journey and I hope you enjoy going along with me. 

My prayer for all of us this year is that we can see God in so many more ways than we even thought possible, from the best of the best, to the small of the small.

I Took A Break

I got a Christmas Card from a family member this week that said they figured I was fine since I hadn't posted in a long time. Well, the reason behind that is not because things were bad but because things were so good I took a break.

 

When I think back to a year ago, I kind of knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I said to my husband that 2012 was not going to be a good year. Obviously the first half wasn't with many hospital trips and not having the energy to do much of anything. I think back to the times I had to rest up for days just so I could get to my children's important events. All of that doesn't even seem real anymore with the way I am feeling now.

My CA-125 has dropped from 1300 plus to 55. I took a break because I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting to all my children's activities. Since July I've been able to help coach my daughter's volleyball team for three tournaments, get to most of my children's games, run around to numerous doctor's appointments for my son, start cooking again for my family and many more things that I can't even fathom. I'm playing for church again and leading our Sunday School in singing. The miracle God has worked in me is amazing. And even though I have my first cold in three years, I can't stop smiling because of all God has done for my family.

So I took a break from writing and blogging. I'm hoping to get back to it again as God sees fit. I guess we all need breaks at times to refocus or just slow down. Even through cancer treatments there are times we need breaks even though we know the cancer is still in our bodies.

But I'm so glad on this Christmas Eve that God never took a break from us. He had every right to since we are all horrible sinners and don't follow his commands perfectly. But He didn't. He made sure every part of His plan was in place so we could be home in Heaven with him someday. He made sure that one night a tiny baby boy would be born to save the world. 

Then that tiny baby boy lived a perfect life, never taking a break from perfection.
 
And finally that baby boy who grew into a man walked right into the hands of his enemies knowing full-well that he was going to die. And because of his death and resurrection we now have the confidence of having eternal life with him.





May the God of peace and love shower you with His peace and love this Christmas season. May you always know that He never takes a break from loving you or keeping you close to Him. And during Christmas may your joy first come from the greatest gift of all, the birth of your Savior.
Merry Christmas!

Finding Peace With Birthdays

Ah,  birthdays.  I remember so clearly being a child and anxiously waiting for my birthday to come.  I was able to watch tv in the morning (when I was growing up game shows were all the rage in the morning), there was always a fabulous cake awaiting me, and, at least in my memory, that was the one day I could count on my five brothers to be nice to me.


As we mature, (notice I didn't say get older), our perception of birthdays change.  They are still an exciting day for the most part, but they don't hold that ultimate importance that they did as a child.  Sometimes we even try to avoid them. 


So what happens to birthdays when you have cancer?  Can you be excited on that day, or does it end up being a day of dread?  Do you embrace them or do you avoid them?  Do you even have a choice?


Because I am dealing with cancer long-term, I know my perspective is different than someone who is blessed to go into remission.  But through the past three years I've seen that even though my perception of each birthday has changed, my God hasn't changed.  He has been there for me always.


My first birthday with cancer was a short two weeks after I was diagnosed and my first chemo was a few short days away.  You would think that I would have be seriously depressed with the thought of cancer and chemo.  But I wasn't.  Here's what I wrote on my Care Pages site.

     I've had this song running through my head today, except I changed the words. Instead of "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" I've been signing "It's my birthday and I'll laugh if I want to. You would laugh too if it happened to you."... It would be so easy to say "Why me?" Believe me, there have been many situations in my life where I have done exactly that. Once when [my husband] and I were dealing with our young twins, we were saying exactly that. A good friend who also had twins gave us this advice: Don't look at the why me's, but look for the that's why. That changed our entire outlook and is something that has always stayed with us.I don't know what the "that's why" answers are right now. I could guess that it's to spread the Gospel, which is always God's plan. I'm sure there are more reasons. I don't know if I will ever know all of them. But what I do know is that God has given me peace from the time I was out of recovery from my surgery. There are times that I am scared of the unknown, but they are quickly swallowed up by that incredible feeling of peace.

My second birthday was similar.  Even though my second birthday was two months after I found out the cancer was back and a month after my doctor told me in medical terms my cancer was incurable,  we  received wonderful gifts of a California trip, a family photo session and gift cards to fund all our trips.   My third birthday was much different.  It was surrounded with being on continuous and several different chemos over 9 months, as well as a disappointment of not being able to attend a family reunion.  I wasn't depressed but I was sad.  I really started wondering if I was going to be around to watch my children grow up, much less being able to see grandchildren.  I was thankful for the birthdays God had blessed me with, but I couldn't stop wondering if it was my last.


I'm now approaching another birthday, but the feelings are totally different.  They are feelings of contentment because of these verses of Psalm 139:

 I am content because God has my days planned out.  He had them planned out when I was "knit together in my mother's womb."  When I remember that He has had my plan worked out long before I was even thought of, it gives me peace knowing that He will take me home to Heaven when my work here is done, and not before.  He will lead my family and I each step of the way as we decide what courses of treatment to use and not to use.  And when it's time for me to be done with treatment, He will be there holding me up.  And knowing that, how can you not have peace?


My prayer is that I will have many more birthdays here to watch my children grow up and help my husband raise them.  But even if that is not His plan for me and for my family, I am at peace knowing that He not only has my plan taken care of, he also has the perfect plan for my family.  He has your plan ready, too.  Lean on Him and let Him guide you.

Can You Find Peace With Cancer?

I've been thinking about peace lately.  I was surrounded by peace this last weekend while my family was camping.  I was able to listen to the birds sing and my wind chime from my daughter play.  It was a calming feeling to have this peace during a time where I didn't want to face the reality that I have had cancer for three years. 


That peace in the home was easy to find with my family gone.  Sometimes that peace is very difficult to find with the constant craziness of kids, responsibilities and just life in general.  That peace is just the peace of sound.  Peace of mind or peace of your soul can be even harder to find when you are facing something difficult like cancer.


But can you find peace with cancer?  Can you ever accept what is happening in your body and to your body?  When you are struggling with a disease, or any other struggle long term, can there ever be a time where you can truly be at peace with what is happening?  I believe you can, but it is a process.

The apostle Paul of the Bible is a great example of this.  He had more trials than anyone I have ever known.  He suffered hunger, beatings, shipwrecks, almost dying, imprisonment, stoning, and the list goes on and on.  But with all these things God was teaching him something.  He was teaching him contentment.  He says in the book of Philippians, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 


Paul wasn't content and full of peace because of anything he did.  He was content and full of peace because he knew that God's strength, not his own, was getting him through everything and would continue to get him through anything else that would come his way.  He leaned on God rather than himself or anyone else.  That's how you can find peace with cancer.


I will be the first to admit that I don't always have peace with my cancer.  There are those days when I'm missing my kids' activities again, or I'm feeling horrible, or even when I hear of someone who has been blessed with the gift of beating cancer that peace is seemingly far out of reach.  That's when God calls me to repentance and reminds me in some small way to once again lean on Him for strength. Then that peace comes back.  Sometimes, like this weekend or when I first started this journey, I'm flooded with it.  That's God's great gift.  Other times it's small, like a calming voice whispering in my ear when I've felt like I've reached the end of my rope.  That's also God's great gift.


The best way I have found to find peace with my cancer is to stay in my Bible.  Gems come out all the time that remind me that God is taking care of me and fighting for me.  One of my favorite passages comes from Exodus where the Israelites have their backs against a wall.  The Egyptians were coming to attack and they had nowhere to go because they were by the Red Sea.  They were mad a Moses for bringing them here to die.  Moses already knew God had great plans in store.  This is what he told them.

God had a plan for them and He has a plan for all of us.  When we remember and focus on that, we can have peace in any situation, even cancer.

Three Years and Still Learning

The day I have been dreading is upon me. There is nothing I can do to avoid, escape or forget it. May 28, 2012 -- three years with cancer.


Just seeing it in print floods my eyes with tears. This is not where I expected to be three years ago. The surgery was supposed to prevent cancer, not find it. The treatments were supposed to cure me. My family was supposed to have a healthy mom and wife, not a sick one. I was going to be getting to all my children's activities, not just trying to make them.


It was a beautiful, sunny day as I was getting ready for my surgery. I was reading books that day. I remember so vividly thanking God for the surgeon He led me to for this surgery so I could avoid the cancer my mom had. I remember feeling confident that even though the recovery would be hard, this was going to make our lives better because we wouldn't have the fear of ovarian cancer.


It was also a beautiful, sunny day the day of the surgery. I was tired, but upbeat and positive about God getting me through the surgery. As they were prepping me, that's when my surgeon came in with those fateful words, "We need to talk."


None of this seemed real. I remember by the time my now oncologist found Paul I had a million things for him to do. We cried, the nurse prepping me cried and held my hand. They changed my surgery to one of removing cancer. Paul prayed with me before they took me back. The rest is just a blur aside from my surgeon squeezing my hand and telling me she would take care of me.


I remember trying to wake up, wondering where Paul was. My biggest fear was that they opened me up and had to close me back up. I kept asking for Paul, but couldn't quite wake up. They were worried about my blood pressure. Then I heard when I fell asleep it was fine. I just wanted to see Paul.


Finally they took me up so I could see him. He assured me they didn't close me up and that they got all the cancer they could. Finally some peace. I'm still alive. There is hope. God is giving us some of that peace that passes all understanding.


Now I needed to get ready for Melanie to hear the news. A good friend brought her. We told her. Oh, she was so brave and didn't shed a tear. We assured her that I was fine and I was going to beat this. It was so good to see her, but I didn't want it to be this way.


The rest of that time is a blur, but it was the peace that we felt that will stick with me. There are times when I wish I could feel that same type of peace God granted us that day. We needed to be flooded with His peace those weeks.


That was the day we started learning about so many things. Yes cancer was one of them, but we have learned so much more about God and His everlasting, unconditional love. Some might say that God wasn't there that day when I was stricken with cancer. But I know He was, because I wouldn't have made it through that day without Him.


Three years later I am still learning how God takes care of me in many ways. The latest CT scan showed a tiny progression in a few lymphnodes, but that growth is less than .2cm. My cancer number has dropped again. My oncologist is trying to get me on a parp inhibitor (I'll talk about that in a different post) Something else to pray about.


Three years later and I still have cancer. Honestly, it hurts seeing those words. It hurts alot. But through it all God has been by our side and we learn more about Him every day. I don't know what the next days, months or years hold for me, but I do know that God will be with me in more ways than I will ever know. That's the best thing I've learned