Monday, May 28, 2012

Three Years and Still Learning

The day I have been dreading is upon me. There is nothing I can do to avoid, escape or forget it. May 28, 2012 -- three years with cancer.

Just seeing it in print floods my eyes with tears. This is not where I expected to be three years ago. The surgery was supposed to prevent cancer, not find it. The treatments were supposed to cure me. My family was supposed to have a healthy mom and wife, not a sick one. I was going to be getting to all my children's activities, not just trying to make them.

It was a beautiful, sunny day as I was getting ready for my surgery. I was reading books that day. I remember so vividly thanking God for the surgeon He led me to for this surgery so I could avoid the cancer my mom had. I remember feeling confident that even though the recovery would be hard, this was going to make our lives better because we wouldn't have the fear of ovarian cancer.

It was also a beautiful, sunny day the day of the surgery. I was tired, but upbeat and positive about God getting me through the surgery. As they were prepping me, that's when my surgeon came in with those fateful words, "We need to talk."

None of this seemed real. I remember by the time my now oncologist found Paul I had a million things for him to do. We cried, the nurse prepping me cried and held my hand. They changed my surgery to one of removing cancer. Paul prayed with me before they took me back. The rest is just a blur aside from my surgeon squeezing my hand and telling me she would take care of me.

I remember trying to wake up, wondering where Paul was. My biggest fear was that they opened me up and had to close me back up. I kept asking for Paul, but couldn't quite wake up. They were worried about my blood pressure. Then I heard when I fell asleep it was fine. I just wanted to see Paul.

Finally they took me up so I could see him. He assured me they didn't close me up and that they got all the cancer they could. Finally some peace. I'm still alive. There is hope. God is giving us some of that peace that passes all understanding.

Now I needed to get ready for Melanie to hear the news. A good friend brought her. We told her. Oh, she was so brave and didn't shed a tear. We assured her that I was fine and I was going to beat this. It was so good to see her, but I didn't want it to be this way.

The rest of that time is a blur, but it was the peace that we felt that will stick with me. There are times when I wish I could feel that same type of peace God granted us that day. We needed to be flooded with His peace those weeks.

That was the day we started learning about so many things. Yes cancer was one of them, but we have learned so much more about God and His everlasting, unconditional love. Some might say that God wasn't there that day when I was stricken with cancer. But I know He was, because I wouldn't have made it through that day without Him.

Three years later I am still learning how God takes care of me in many ways. The latest CT scan showed a tiny progression in a few lymphnodes, but that growth is less than .2cm. My cancer number has dropped again. My oncologist is trying to get me on a parp inhibitor (I'll talk about that in a different post) Something else to pray about.

Three years later and I still have cancer. Honestly, it hurts seeing those words. It hurts alot. But through it all God has been by our side and we learn more about Him every day. I don't know what the next days, months or years hold for me, but I do know that God will be with me in more ways than I will ever know. That's the best thing I've learned

No comments:

Post a Comment