God is Not Worried So I'm Taking Another Step

Life has been busy.  It's been so busy that I really hadn't been able to think about blogging for a while. The past month I've wanted to blog, but things have come up that made me feel I should wait just a little bit longer.  But now I need to again because I need your daily prayers.

So here's what's going on.  My CA-125 as of last month is now up to 60. In the bigger picture it's only gone up 11 points, but  it has been steadily going up for four months now.  In October I had a routine CT scan that I need to have every three months.  They did find a lymph node that they hadn't been watching before near some part of my esophagus that grew from 4 mm to 10 mm.  When I first talked with my oncologist we were both kind of bummed.  She hadn't looked specifically at the CT scan, just the reports.  At that point she said that we were staying on the medication I have been on because this didn't mean it wasn't working.  We would just see what happened.

Then she looked at my CT scan and called me back.  The spots they had been watching, and what she considers to be better markings because that's where they know disease is, have all shrunk or stayed the same.  The lymph node near my esophagus is in my chest area, but not in the mammary gland area of the breast.  My CA-125 could go up because of breast cancer.  My oncologist said that we could do a blood test to check for breast cancer, but that can also be elevated when you have ovarian cancer.   It's very unusual for someone to get breast cancer while being treated for ovarian, but with the history of both in our family, it's something to get checked.

So between the lymph node and the small rise in CA-125 my oncologist thought I was smart for wanting to get something checked out.   I'm overdue for a breast MRI which would pick things up better than a mammogram.   We haven't done one in a while for two reasons - 1) I was fighting ovarian cancer  and 2) I had a horrible panic attack with my first one.  I will be having one on November 21st and they will give me something to keep me calm, i.e. drug me up.  I will find out the results the next day when I see my oncologist. 

I will admit I am a little concerned.   There were lymph nodes around my liver before the ovarian cancer was found. That is the biggest reason I want to have this checked out.  Between that and my gut telling me something is going on, it would be very easy to let something like this overwhelm me.  But God once again puts things in my life to show me He is in control.

One of those things was a devotion by Karen Ehman entitled God is Not Worried. Here is her quote that really struck me.

God is not worried. He’s not in heaven wringing His hands, wondering just how everything will eventually turn out. He is in control. He is loving.

God longs to use the circumstances of our lives to mold our mind, craft our character, and chase away the fears that threaten to slither in, paralyzing us and rendering us ineffective. Ever the patient and wise teacher, if He isn’t freaking out, why should we?

That same day another devotion came my way with this Bible verse from the New Living Translation:

²⁴ You can go to bed without fear;
    you will lie down and sleep soundly.
²⁵ You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
    or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
²⁶ for the Lord is your security. Proverbs 3:24-26a

God knew once again what I needed to hear from His Word. I could freak out about this entire situation and be convinced that something awful was going to happen.  But if God isn't freaking out, why should I?  

So instead I choose to take another step.  I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new album quite a bit this past month.  My favorite song is called Take Another Step.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

We walk by faith and not by sight we know it’s true
We say it and sing it and love the way it sounds
But none of us can even begin to truly understand
What it really means ‘til all the lights go out
And there we are nothing to hold on to
But the promises God’s made to me and you

Take another step, take another step
When the road ahead is dark
And you don’t know where to go
Take another step, take another step
Trust God and take another step

If there’s an ocean in front of you
You know what you’ve gotta do
Take another step and another step
Maybe He’ll turn the water into land
And maybe He’ll take your hand and say
Let’s take a walk on the waves
Will you trust Me either way
And take another step
Take another step  

It's time for me to take another step on this marathon cancer journey that I am in.  I have never been able to go on this journey alone.  God has provided me with so many of you who pray often for me.  So now I ask that you daily lift me up in prayer again.  Pray that, if it is God's will, that these steps that I have to take are ones that will be easy.  But if they are not, pray that God keeps me and my family close to Him, always relying on His strength to get us through the steps of each day.  

God is not worried, so I'm taking another step.

 

Prayers Answered Yes

We have a wonderful God at all times.  At times He chooses to withhold what we think we need to have a better life.  At times he chooses to strengthen us through trials and struggles.  And other times He gives us the desires of our hearts. 

I had my latest blood draw on Wednesday.  By this time I was pretty sure that my number had gone up again.  There was no specific reason since I was feeling fine, just "mom-tired" from all the running around we have been doing.  So yesterday when I got my results, we got a great yes answer from God.  My number went down to 53!  Yes, it's only 5 points, but it was the desire of my heart and what we have all been praying for all month.  This now shows for sure that I have stable disease and this medication is working as a maintenance treatment.

Now God has been gracious again in another way.  The dosage of the PARP inhibitor has been increased.  I am now getting what they consider the best therapeutic dose to get. I've never really heard the word remission or no evidence of disease thrown around, but we know God can do anything with what man uses so I do look at that as a possibility.  The bigger beauty of the higher dose is that it gives me more wiggle room in case I start having problems in my blood counts.  I can go on a lower dose for a while and then they can slowly raise it up again.  This also gives me a better chance of staying on this drug long term.  And since I am tolerating it very well so far, the higher dose shouldn't be a problem.  There is a good chance I will have some nausea issues initially as my body gets used to a higher dose, but I'm confident with God's help that will fade away with time.

I have been reflecting this past week because it's my daughter's last year of being in our big basketball tournament, the Jr. Eagle Classic.  It's hard to believe, still, that my daughter will be in high school in a few short months.  But I've been reflecting more because of where I was last year at this time.  I had to rest for three days just to make sure I could get to the tournament to watch her play, and then it was finding every chance to rest that I could.  I looked at a picture of myself after her team won the championship game.  I was surprised that even though I was extremely happy, I looked sick.  This year, I painted our huge bathroom on Monday, ran around on Tuesday and Wednesday, didn't sleep well on Thursday, and am still not having any problems getting to the tournament, thoroughly enjoying myself, and getting to run around and talk to so many people.  What a difference a year makes in God's plan for us!

As I was talking with a friend yesterday, she reminded me of something I had heard before.  It came from Pastor Jeske at Time of Grace Ministry.  He said, God doesn't have a Plan B!  How true that is! There is a reason it says in Proverbs 19:21

God has had this planned out for me and my family all along.  The bumps and trials along the way are just his way of refining us so we stay close to Him.  His ultimate goal is to get us to Heaven.  He knows the best way to do that. It might not always be easy, but it is the best way.

So now we rejoice in God's great goodness that He has answered our prayers this time with a yes.  We will continue to pray that He uses this instrument of man to ultimately heal me, but at the very least to keep my disease stable.  But even more so we will continue to rely on His plan for us.  His way is the best way!

Three Years and Still Learning

The day I have been dreading is upon me. There is nothing I can do to avoid, escape or forget it. May 28, 2012 -- three years with cancer.


Just seeing it in print floods my eyes with tears. This is not where I expected to be three years ago. The surgery was supposed to prevent cancer, not find it. The treatments were supposed to cure me. My family was supposed to have a healthy mom and wife, not a sick one. I was going to be getting to all my children's activities, not just trying to make them.


It was a beautiful, sunny day as I was getting ready for my surgery. I was reading books that day. I remember so vividly thanking God for the surgeon He led me to for this surgery so I could avoid the cancer my mom had. I remember feeling confident that even though the recovery would be hard, this was going to make our lives better because we wouldn't have the fear of ovarian cancer.


It was also a beautiful, sunny day the day of the surgery. I was tired, but upbeat and positive about God getting me through the surgery. As they were prepping me, that's when my surgeon came in with those fateful words, "We need to talk."


None of this seemed real. I remember by the time my now oncologist found Paul I had a million things for him to do. We cried, the nurse prepping me cried and held my hand. They changed my surgery to one of removing cancer. Paul prayed with me before they took me back. The rest is just a blur aside from my surgeon squeezing my hand and telling me she would take care of me.


I remember trying to wake up, wondering where Paul was. My biggest fear was that they opened me up and had to close me back up. I kept asking for Paul, but couldn't quite wake up. They were worried about my blood pressure. Then I heard when I fell asleep it was fine. I just wanted to see Paul.


Finally they took me up so I could see him. He assured me they didn't close me up and that they got all the cancer they could. Finally some peace. I'm still alive. There is hope. God is giving us some of that peace that passes all understanding.


Now I needed to get ready for Melanie to hear the news. A good friend brought her. We told her. Oh, she was so brave and didn't shed a tear. We assured her that I was fine and I was going to beat this. It was so good to see her, but I didn't want it to be this way.


The rest of that time is a blur, but it was the peace that we felt that will stick with me. There are times when I wish I could feel that same type of peace God granted us that day. We needed to be flooded with His peace those weeks.


That was the day we started learning about so many things. Yes cancer was one of them, but we have learned so much more about God and His everlasting, unconditional love. Some might say that God wasn't there that day when I was stricken with cancer. But I know He was, because I wouldn't have made it through that day without Him.


Three years later I am still learning how God takes care of me in many ways. The latest CT scan showed a tiny progression in a few lymphnodes, but that growth is less than .2cm. My cancer number has dropped again. My oncologist is trying to get me on a parp inhibitor (I'll talk about that in a different post) Something else to pray about.


Three years later and I still have cancer. Honestly, it hurts seeing those words. It hurts alot. But through it all God has been by our side and we learn more about Him every day. I don't know what the next days, months or years hold for me, but I do know that God will be with me in more ways than I will ever know. That's the best thing I've learned

Why I'm Blogging

Three years ago, on May 28, 2009,  I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I was only 39 at the time.  I'm still fighting this disease.  On my three year anniversary I decided that I wanted to start a blog to show others how it has been possible to walk with cancer all this time.  It is because God is walking with me. 


This will be an honest blog about the ups and downs that I have had and will continue to have.  But through it all I hope to show you my loving God and all He has done for me.