God is Not Worried So I'm Taking Another Step

Life has been busy.  It's been so busy that I really hadn't been able to think about blogging for a while. The past month I've wanted to blog, but things have come up that made me feel I should wait just a little bit longer.  But now I need to again because I need your daily prayers.

So here's what's going on.  My CA-125 as of last month is now up to 60. In the bigger picture it's only gone up 11 points, but  it has been steadily going up for four months now.  In October I had a routine CT scan that I need to have every three months.  They did find a lymph node that they hadn't been watching before near some part of my esophagus that grew from 4 mm to 10 mm.  When I first talked with my oncologist we were both kind of bummed.  She hadn't looked specifically at the CT scan, just the reports.  At that point she said that we were staying on the medication I have been on because this didn't mean it wasn't working.  We would just see what happened.

Then she looked at my CT scan and called me back.  The spots they had been watching, and what she considers to be better markings because that's where they know disease is, have all shrunk or stayed the same.  The lymph node near my esophagus is in my chest area, but not in the mammary gland area of the breast.  My CA-125 could go up because of breast cancer.  My oncologist said that we could do a blood test to check for breast cancer, but that can also be elevated when you have ovarian cancer.   It's very unusual for someone to get breast cancer while being treated for ovarian, but with the history of both in our family, it's something to get checked.

So between the lymph node and the small rise in CA-125 my oncologist thought I was smart for wanting to get something checked out.   I'm overdue for a breast MRI which would pick things up better than a mammogram.   We haven't done one in a while for two reasons - 1) I was fighting ovarian cancer  and 2) I had a horrible panic attack with my first one.  I will be having one on November 21st and they will give me something to keep me calm, i.e. drug me up.  I will find out the results the next day when I see my oncologist. 

I will admit I am a little concerned.   There were lymph nodes around my liver before the ovarian cancer was found. That is the biggest reason I want to have this checked out.  Between that and my gut telling me something is going on, it would be very easy to let something like this overwhelm me.  But God once again puts things in my life to show me He is in control.

One of those things was a devotion by Karen Ehman entitled God is Not Worried. Here is her quote that really struck me.

God is not worried. He’s not in heaven wringing His hands, wondering just how everything will eventually turn out. He is in control. He is loving.

God longs to use the circumstances of our lives to mold our mind, craft our character, and chase away the fears that threaten to slither in, paralyzing us and rendering us ineffective. Ever the patient and wise teacher, if He isn’t freaking out, why should we?

That same day another devotion came my way with this Bible verse from the New Living Translation:

²⁴ You can go to bed without fear;
    you will lie down and sleep soundly.
²⁵ You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
    or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
²⁶ for the Lord is your security. Proverbs 3:24-26a

God knew once again what I needed to hear from His Word. I could freak out about this entire situation and be convinced that something awful was going to happen.  But if God isn't freaking out, why should I?  

So instead I choose to take another step.  I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new album quite a bit this past month.  My favorite song is called Take Another Step.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

We walk by faith and not by sight we know it’s true
We say it and sing it and love the way it sounds
But none of us can even begin to truly understand
What it really means ‘til all the lights go out
And there we are nothing to hold on to
But the promises God’s made to me and you

Take another step, take another step
When the road ahead is dark
And you don’t know where to go
Take another step, take another step
Trust God and take another step

If there’s an ocean in front of you
You know what you’ve gotta do
Take another step and another step
Maybe He’ll turn the water into land
And maybe He’ll take your hand and say
Let’s take a walk on the waves
Will you trust Me either way
And take another step
Take another step  

It's time for me to take another step on this marathon cancer journey that I am in.  I have never been able to go on this journey alone.  God has provided me with so many of you who pray often for me.  So now I ask that you daily lift me up in prayer again.  Pray that, if it is God's will, that these steps that I have to take are ones that will be easy.  But if they are not, pray that God keeps me and my family close to Him, always relying on His strength to get us through the steps of each day.  

God is not worried, so I'm taking another step.

 

The Joy Dare ~ January 1 - 15

January 1 ~ Three Things Heard

•   Laughter from my children enjoying each other.
• The first I love you from my husband for the year.

• The sound of the piano playing.  Even though my boys were playing their Christmas songs for the umpteenth time, it's always nice to hear the sound of the piano. 

January 2 ~ A Gift Outside, Inside, On a Plate

• Sunshine!  When you live in the Pacific Northwest during the rainy season, those days of sunshine are a wonderful blessing, even when it's cold.
• Friends playing.  The boys were able to have their neighbor friends over to play the Xbox.  I was not able to let that happen 6 short months ago because I was so sick.
• A turkey and avocado sandwich.  Boy do I love the taste of avocados!   

January 3 ~ Three graces (gifts) you overheard

• Laughter as we watched Mobbed together as a family.
• The excitement in my daughter's voice when she answered the phone and it was her grandma needing to talk to her about her curtain project.
• The joy my boys have when they are playing with each other, even when it gets a little crazy. 

January 4 ~ Something You're Reading, Making, Seeing      

• Right now I'm reading 1 John.  Today this verse reminded me of the greatest thing for which I'm most thankful, the gift of Jesus.  "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us." 1 John 3:16 
• Yesterday I made 13 meals to have ready during our busy month of January.  What a blessing to have the energy once again to do things like this.  
• Today as we were putting away Christmas decorations, I got to see how my children are really growing up.  They finished cleaning up the last bit of things when I just needed to be done.

January 5 ~ Something Old, New, Blue

• To the left of our computer is a secretariat type cabinet that is over 100 years old.  It was my great-grandparents, and I believe they got it for their wedding.  For us it contains pictures, and old beverage-ware that holds many dear memories for me, as well as giving us a place to store everyday things we need.     

• I'm enjoying the new clothes I have needed to purchase because of my successful cancer treatment.  Not having fluid build up inside of me makes it much easier to shop for clothing.

• The blue is rather funny.  Yesterday two of my children and I were reminiscing about how one of my son's favorite color was blue because his name starts with the same letter.  That fact made him decide that everything that was going to be his favorite had to be blue.

January 6 ~One thing in your bag, your fridge, your heart

• In my bag is a small cosmetic case that my in-laws gave me when I was going through chemo.  Every time I see it it reminds me of how much they love, care and support me.
• Wow!  My fridge....When I really stop to think about it, no matter what food or lack of food is in there, I have multitudes of reasons to be thankful because God has blessed us with so much food that we never go hungry.
• In my heart I am thankful that I can call God my Father, my Dad.  I can go to him for any need and He will hear me because He cares for me so much.

January 7 ~ 3 Graces (gifts) from People You Know     

• A Vanilla Soy Latte and great conversation with a friend.
• A laugh watching my daughter and her friends try to take down the flags on a windy day.
• A friend asking how my son was doing after his latest surgery on his ankle. 

January 8 ~ Dusky Light, Surprising Reflection, Lovely Shadow  

• Light?  What's that in the Pacific Northwest this time of year. :-)  But when I think back to other times, I do like the dusky light that candles bring.
• My reflection came from my Bible reading today.  I got to read Isaiah 40, one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.  It wasn't a surprise to read verse 30, because I have read it and reflected on it so many times, but it was a surprise to get that in my daily email today.  

• Once again, with all the rain we have right now, you don't see too many shadows.  But once again I can reflect back to Christmas and remember the lovely shadows that were cast when the Christmas garland above my kitchen cabinets was lit.  It still gives me the warm fuzzies every time I think about it. 

January 9 ~ A Gift Held, Passed By, Sat With

• One of my greatest gifts is my children.  I am fortunate that even though my children are a little older, they still want to give me hugs when they wake up.  One of my sons likes to give me a hug while I hold him on my lap.  Lately our cat has been joining us.  It's something I think I will always treasure.
• This one is rather amusing because it deals with sun. (Sure wish I would have had this yesterday.)  We have about a 25 minute drive to and from school each day where we have to travel over two large hills.  On the way home the sun came out and shone on one of these hills.  The site, even in winter, was breathtaking.  On the bottom of the hill are deciduous trees, which of course right now are barren.  The top half of the hills has conifers, or evergreens.  The sun shining on this hill was breathtaking.  It was wonderful driving past and over this hill to see the wonder of God's creation.
• Soon one of my children will be entering high school.  I know life will never be the same once that happens because business will hit us at a whole new level.  That's why I treasure each of the sit-down dinners we have, even if it isn't with all our children.  Even if it is only 20 minutes, we have time to connect each day as a family.  I can't wait until tomorrow when we are all together again.    

January 10 ~ A Gift Sour, Sweet, Just Right

• The noise of the boys when they get home from school is one that drives me batty many days.  They are in a very silly phase and if they could be silly all day long, they would.  But knowing that they are happy makes the sourness of the silliness bearable.
• I tried a new recipe the other day that my kids fell in love with -- oatmeal cinnamon chip cookies.  They are really yummy!  The best part is that one of my sons who is insistent that   he doesn't like oatmeal cookies doesn't even realize the oatmeal is in there.

•  A perfect family dinner was had tonight.  I had turkey pumpkin chili and french bread cooking most of the day, so there was very little prep that needed to be done.  The entire family was home and we were actually able to have some good family conversation again.  Those times are precious and will be gone all too soon.

 January 11 ~ 3 Yellow Graces of Fresh Mercy
This morning when I saw what I was supposed to look for I thought this was going to be the hardest one yet.  Then things started coming to me quickly and I will actually have more than three today!  I love it when God does things like that. 

• This picture of me is an important one because of the yellow shirt.  This one was taken on my birthday this past June when things were not going well.  My children had a track meet that day and I had spent three days resting up just so I could go and enjoy it.  This picture of me that was taken with my children is my computer wallpaper.  I leave it there not only because I like the picture, but also because it reminds me of where I was and now how far God has brought me.  It reminds me that even though I am still not completely healthy, God had this great plan for me that only He could design and organize,  What a difference seven months make.
• I got my hair cut again today.  My hair dresser has lovely "yellow" hair.  What a blessing it is to be able to get my hair cut every six weeks again.  Even better was her comment about how healthy my hair now is.
• We have sunshine today!  Have you heard the song "The Bluest Skies Are In Seattle"  by Perry Como?  Well today I have to say once again that is true.  Not only do we have amazing blue skies today (after you click on the link make sure you scroll down to see the mountains, too.) but we also had some frost this morning.  The combination of all three made for some amazing pictures as I drove around this morning.  Plus I also got to enjoy coffee with some wonderful ladies this morning.  And we had to close the shades in the coffee shop because of the sun streaming in on us. 

•  This is the family planner that I have.  The days are getting fuller and fuller with all the activities we have coming up.  Some people might look at their full schedules and wonder how in the world they are going to make it through another busy week.  Sometimes I wonder that too, but what is great for me is that I can do all these things again without having to rest up, pick and choose, or even just miss them.  Once again all I can do is give glory to God for all of this.  7 short months ago we never would have thought this was possible.
• The last yellow thing that I am thankful for today is a crown.  This morning one of my devotions mentioned a crown.  It made me think of my Savior who is our King of Kings and Lord of Lords!  There is nothing I am more thankful for than this.

January 12 ~ Something Above, Below, Beside 

• I'm always thankful for the roof above my head.  We might not have a big house, but we have one that keeps us warm and dry.  It might not have the latest and greatest, but it is a house full of love.  
• I'm thankful for the beauty of the land I live in, especially the valleys.  It's amazing seeing the beauty of them when you are on top of a hill.  It also reminds me that whatever valley I go through in life, God will always be there to guide me through.
• Today I got to sit beside many friends as we watched basketball together.  Some of these friends go back years of being in grade school together, others are newer friends who will journey with me as we enter high school years with our children.  Knowing that these friends believe as I do in Jesus who is the only one who can save us makes those friendships even better.

January 13 ~ Three things about yourself for which you are grateful

• I am thankful for my love of music.  I love being able to play the piano for church as well as sing in church with my fellow believers.  
• I am thankful for my healthy hair.  After having chemo on and off for three years, it's nice to hear my hairdresser say I have healthy hair and that I have options on how I can style it.  I love the darker color of it right now, too.  God gives us little blessings even in the hard times.
• I am thankful for the faith God, through baptism, created in me.  Without that faith I never would have been able to get through the years of battling cancer.  I am thankful that God loves me so much he constantly gives me ways to strengthen my faith.  

January 14 ~ Three Startling Graces of God

• Grace from God is startling.  It's undeserved.  It's unearned.  It's love.  God did it all because he loves us so much.  He sent his son to die for us so we could go home to Heaven to be with him forever. 

• It's amazing to me how God has had our entire plan worked out from the beginning.  He knew the struggles we were going to have and always has a way for us to overcome them in some way, whether it be by relieving us from the struggle, or just by helping us through it every day.  And every plan that God has He has not only for us, but for the good of His Kingdom.  Only an all-knowing, perfect God could do something like that.
  
  
  
• Forgiveness is another thing that amazes me.  There I times where I struggle forgiving my children or my spouse or a friend because they do the same things over and over and over again.  But then I look at myself and realize I do the same thing to God every day.  Yet He forgives me every day, every hour, every minute I sin.  And He does it because of the great sacrifice He made by offering up His son to die for all of our sins.  It is the only perfect payment.  Even more amazing to me is this verse:
  
  
  
  He has forgiven us.  Our sins are forgotten because of the blood of Jesus.  To God be the Glory!
  
  
  

January 15 ~ A Gift Worn, Given Away, Shared

• My engagement ring will always be special because my husband bought it on his own.  We never went together looking for rings.  He had his own idea in mind and it fit me perfectly -- black hills gold with three small diamonds.  It's still as beautiful to me today as it was the day he gave it to me.
• One of my favorite gifts that I've given away were the photo collages the kids made for their grandparents last Christmas.  They each came up with their own reasons that they loved each of their grandparents.  There was no suggestions from me.  The looks on their faces when they read what the kids picked were priceless.
• Another gift I loved giving away was my twin's clothes.  I had kept quite a few of them for sentimental reasons.  Then there was another family in our church circle who had twins boys.  I just knew they were the right fit for these clothes.  When I was able to drop off three large boxes of clothes, it made my heart smile. 
• One gift that was shared this Christmas was at our close friend's house on Christmas Eve.  They decided to give their son, daughter, son-in-law and my boys' Nerf guns.  I've never seen five people try and get out those Nerf Guns so quickly so they could have a Nerf Gun fight.  
• Another shared gift came when I was having a harder time in my cancer journey.  We had always wanted to take our children to a musical, but the right one never came along, until Aladdin.  A co-worker of my husband's found a way for us to get amazing seats together at a discounted rate.  That was a special day for me since I was able to go out with my family and enjoy some time together.

 

I Took A Break

I got a Christmas Card from a family member this week that said they figured I was fine since I hadn't posted in a long time. Well, the reason behind that is not because things were bad but because things were so good I took a break.

 

When I think back to a year ago, I kind of knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I said to my husband that 2012 was not going to be a good year. Obviously the first half wasn't with many hospital trips and not having the energy to do much of anything. I think back to the times I had to rest up for days just so I could get to my children's important events. All of that doesn't even seem real anymore with the way I am feeling now.

My CA-125 has dropped from 1300 plus to 55. I took a break because I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting to all my children's activities. Since July I've been able to help coach my daughter's volleyball team for three tournaments, get to most of my children's games, run around to numerous doctor's appointments for my son, start cooking again for my family and many more things that I can't even fathom. I'm playing for church again and leading our Sunday School in singing. The miracle God has worked in me is amazing. And even though I have my first cold in three years, I can't stop smiling because of all God has done for my family.

So I took a break from writing and blogging. I'm hoping to get back to it again as God sees fit. I guess we all need breaks at times to refocus or just slow down. Even through cancer treatments there are times we need breaks even though we know the cancer is still in our bodies.

But I'm so glad on this Christmas Eve that God never took a break from us. He had every right to since we are all horrible sinners and don't follow his commands perfectly. But He didn't. He made sure every part of His plan was in place so we could be home in Heaven with him someday. He made sure that one night a tiny baby boy would be born to save the world. 

Then that tiny baby boy lived a perfect life, never taking a break from perfection.
 
And finally that baby boy who grew into a man walked right into the hands of his enemies knowing full-well that he was going to die. And because of his death and resurrection we now have the confidence of having eternal life with him.





May the God of peace and love shower you with His peace and love this Christmas season. May you always know that He never takes a break from loving you or keeping you close to Him. And during Christmas may your joy first come from the greatest gift of all, the birth of your Savior.
Merry Christmas!

When Miracles Happen

Have you ever hoped for a miracle?  I always thought about all those miracles performed in the Bible and thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I saw something like that?"  I'm here to tell you today that God is working a miracle in me.

A short month ago I told you how my new treatment was working so well.  Last week Thursday I got a call from my oncologist.  Now understand, she rarely calls me and it's usually due to something we have to change in our treatment.  That wasn't the case this time.  She just had to call because she was so excited.  If you remember, last time my Ca-125 dropped from 1300+ to 500.  Well, it dropped again, this time to 192.  It hasn't been that low since April of 2011.  She just can't believe the results we are getting from this drug. Neither can her team because they had to call me early Friday morning because they were also very excited.

From a human standpoint, it's easy to see why this looks so unbelievable.  We got this drug faster than anyone is normally supposed to get it.  It's working better than anyone expected.  I have energy and stamina like I haven't had in years.  How can this be explained?

But I know.  It's God and all God.  The God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere is the one who had this plan worked out for me before the world was created.  He knew I was going to need more strength to help my son with his broken ankle.  He knew that it was time for me to be more involved with my family.  He knew it was time for me to see His awesome power. 

Join me today in praising our God and Savior for the physical miracle he is working in me.  But also join me in praising God for the miracle He has worked in you -- that is the miracle of your faith.  We know that He worked that miracle in you because of of this verse in Ephesians:

 

We are all miracles because of God's grace working faith in our hearts.  We can thank God for miracles every day.  To God be the Glory!

The Highs and Lows Of Cancer

We all have highs and lows in our lives.  They start from the time we are young.  When we are young something from a scraped knee to not watching a TV show can make for "the worst day ever." and then it can turn around by getting something as simple as a Popsicle.   As we get older we have the highs of a first date, a wedding and the birth of children.  But there are the lows with struggling with kids, seeing loved ones hurting and just the trials of everyday life. 


I was looking over my cancer journal today on Carepages and realized how quickly the highs and lows of cancer really come.  I went from a low of the diagnosis, to the high of treatment working, to the high of remission, to the low of the cancer being back all in the matter of 10 months.  Since then there have been highs and lows between treatments working and not working, feeling great and then getting very sick, plus the normal highs and lows that every family goes through in life.  Some might look at my family and me and wonder how we get through it all.


As I was looking through my journal I came across this post on a day that was definitely a low, even though it wasn't a major one.  Here's what I wrote:

"Today was a mixed day. I was tired from a car alarm going off at 2:30 in the morning. The owner didn't hear it so it went off for about 1/2 hour. Between that and the storm that blew through, it was a restless night. Nausea is still there. Today I had a hard time eating. I talked to my nurse today and she put me on some different medication that we are hoping helps. If this one doesn't, we do have one more option. Hopefully this will be the trick that takes it away....

 I ended up doing quite a bit of driving today -- Bible class, chiropractor appointment and picking up kids from school. I was pretty tired as I was driving and I wondered how I could keep my stamina up. One of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns came on the radio "Praise You In The Storm". Part of the song quotes this Psalm from the Bible:

 
As I drove in the valley and looked up to the hills I could feel God watching over me and making sure I had just enough stamina to get to school and back. Nothing that the world throws at me can take God's protection away. He is watching over me all the time and making sure I get to go home to Heaven one day. What an amazing God we have."

 My family and I don't get through the highs and lows of this journey because of anything we do.  It is only because of what God does for us.  And when you think about it, none of us get through any of the highs and lows of our lives on our own.  God is there watching us always because He never sleeps.  He promises He will be with us forever, no matter what gets thrown our way.  How appropriate to look to the hills and remember God through our highs and lows.  During our lows we can look up and remember we have a God who is taking care of us, and during our highs we can look up and remember that God has directed us and given us that blessing.  May you always be able to look at the hills and remember what a loving, caring God you have.

Why I'm Blogging

Three years ago, on May 28, 2009,  I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I was only 39 at the time.  I'm still fighting this disease.  On my three year anniversary I decided that I wanted to start a blog to show others how it has been possible to walk with cancer all this time.  It is because God is walking with me. 


This will be an honest blog about the ups and downs that I have had and will continue to have.  But through it all I hope to show you my loving God and all He has done for me.