Why I Don't Give Up

"That's it!  I give up!"  That's a statement that I've heard my children say from time to time.  When they were younger it might have been about a game they just couldn't win.  As they got older it was more often than not about homework.  And as they continue to mature, I'm sure there will be times where they will want to give up again, and they just might have a right to do so.  But it is my job to encourage them to keep going, to push through, not because they might just get it, but because they will learn from the struggle.

Five years ago on May 28th I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been that long.  Other times it seems like an eternity.  When I was diagnosed giving up was not even in my vocabulary.  We were going to hit the cancer hard, get into remission, hit the 5 year mark free of cancer, and then feel like the worst was behind us.  There just wasn't any other option, so the thought of giving up never even entered my mind.

Since then, I've thought about giving up.  There have been times where Ive been so tired that I just don't want to be tired anymore.  There have been  times I have felt so sick that I thought I wasn't going to make it another couple of months.  I have dealt with drug withdrawals, neuropathy, surgeries, intense pain and depression.  I've been ready to give up and stop treatment.  Heaven seems much more appealing.

Yet I haven't given up.  Some of you might be thinking it's because of my family.  Honestly, that is only a very small part of why I don't give up.  The real reason I don't give up is because God hasn't let me know that it's time for me to give up.  I think he has more to teach me.

Max Lucado says it this way:

 "No, we don't give up.  We look up.

   We trust.    We believe.

   And our optimism in not hollow.

   Christ has proven worthy.

   He has shown that He never fails.

   That's what makes God, God."

My favorite line is "our optimism is not hollow".  At one point my optimism focused on my healing.  My optimism doesn't lie there any more, not because it's not possible, but because it's not necessary.  My healing is not dependent upon how much God loves me.  He proved His love for me long ago when He sent Jesus, His son, to die for me.  My healing doesn't correlate with how much I love God.  I love God because He has already saved me from my spiritual cancer.  My optimism now focuses on all the amazing things God has done for me from the beginning of time to my death and finally at my resurrection.  It's not hollow because Heaven will happen.  It's not hollow because I will rise again.  It's not hollow because my sins are forgiven.  It's not hollow because He has shown me countless times over the past five years how much He really does love me.  There is no doubt, just perfect hope.
Since He's taught me that over the past five years, I wonder what He has in store for me next.

Over the weekend I was given an amazing gift by one brother's family.  It was this bonsai tree.

The unique thing about this tree is that it was started 5 years ago on May 28th.  The same day I found out I had cancer and stared death in the face for the first time, this tree started it's life.  In some ways it's my own personal tree of life which I now get to look at every day.

This tree got me thinking about the Tree of Life in the Bible.  We all know about the one in Genesis that God placed in the Garden of Eden for Adam and Eve.  But we forget about the Tree of Life that is mentioned in Revelation.  The Tree of Life is in Heaven, the place where our paradise we lost is now restored.  Revelation 22:14 says "Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city."  Because of what Jesus has done for us, our robes are clean by His blood.  We now have the right to this Tree of Life.  We will be in Heaven forever.  

So why don't I give up?  It's not because I know I will be healed.  There is no guarantee in that. It's not because I need to be here for my family.  God will take care of them if it's time for me to go home. I don't give up because God will never, ever fail me.  I don't give up because He will lead me through whatever comes my way.  I don't give up because my God will take me home to live with Him forever.  That's why I don't give up.  That's why none of us ever need to give up.

Praying for Many on May 28th

Tomorrow marks my 5 year anniversary of being diagnosed. We found out around 9 in the morning. If I could be so bold, I have a prayer request for everyone. If you could stop and pray around 9, either in your own time zone or at 9 Pacific Time, and pray for 5 minutes. Pray for all those who need to know God is with them during their time of need. If you can't pray at that time, pick a time that works for you. 

You Just Never Know...

"Knowledge is power!"  I don't remember where I heard that for the first time.  I'm pretty sure it was part of a children's program I watched as a child.  It makes sense.  The more you know, the more you can cope, adjust and learn.  We pursue knowledge so we can make better choices.  We pursue knowledge so we can do better at our jobs.  We pursue knowledge to learn more about the hobbies we enjoy.  

But as much as we try to gain more knowledge, there are some things we will just never know.  Whether it's because we can't find the answer or because it's just not something we truly will never understand, we will never know everything.  I'm here to tell you that there are times where that is a wonderful thing.

A little over a year ago I started a new medication called a PARP inhibitor.  I was very sick and chemo wasn't working anymore.  My oncologist was able to get this medication for me in hopes that it would just help me feel better and give me a little of my life back.  That was the knowledge we had and hope for.  Guess what?  God had so much more to show me and my family.  Here is what happened this year.

• My cancer number, or CA-125 dropped from around 1350 to 46.  While I'm not yet cancer-free, my disease is stable or shrinking.  I never knew I would be thankful for stable disease.
• My energy has returned.  While I'm still not where I was before cancer, I am able to do more with my family again. I was able to get to most of my children's sports events and other activities.  I never knew I would be thankful for bleacher butt.
• I am able to be a wife and a mother again.  I'm cooking again and finding so many new recipes to try.  We don't have to rely on others to bring us food or help with household chores.  I never knew that I would be happy to clean bathrooms.

But there are even more amazing things that God has shown me this year.  I can stand here today and say I am a walking miracle.  There are others that have been on this same medication and the success hasn't been as great.  It starts of well, and as quickly as it starts working it stops working.  I'm still on this medication a year later with my disease shrinking and my body is functioning well.  Often times with the mutation I have there is another mutation that goes along with it which stops the PARP inhibitor from working.  (This is something that was just recently discovered.)  It looks like, because I have been on this for so long, that I don't have that mutation.  I can only praise God for this.  He has made me a walking miracle!  I never knew I would be given a blessing like that.

God has blessed me in more ways than I can count through this cancer.  I've been able to witness to many, help others through their journeys, and I have been given countless reminders of how God has my whole life in control.  He has a better plan than I could ever dream up.  It makes me love this passage even more:

It also reminds me of this passage :

There have been so many times through the past four years where I have been reminded of this passage.  Knowledge and logic would say that these fires and waters I've had to pass through should have driven me into despair and farther from God.  Questions like "How could God do this to a good person?" or "Is God really there if He's allowing me to suffer like this?"  should have turned me away from God.  But they didn't!  God carried me!  He uplifted me!  He protected me!  Why?  Because He loves me and He wants me to be with Him in Heaven.  He loves me so much that no matter what comes my way, He is going to make sure that I can be confident of His promises to care for me and take me home with Him to Heaven.  That's why I love this next passage even more:

So, you truly just never know what God has in store for you.  No matter what struggles you, or your friends, or your family, or your acquaintances are going through, God is going to work it out better than we could ever imagine.  I'm glad there were so many things I didn't know, because God has given me even bigger gifts because of it.

Why I'm Blogging

Three years ago, on May 28, 2009,  I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I was only 39 at the time.  I'm still fighting this disease.  On my three year anniversary I decided that I wanted to start a blog to show others how it has been possible to walk with cancer all this time.  It is because God is walking with me. 


This will be an honest blog about the ups and downs that I have had and will continue to have.  But through it all I hope to show you my loving God and all He has done for me.