Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:
I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.

1 comment:

  1. Pastor James HumannJanuary 23, 2013 at 5:34 PM

    Nicely said. Our prayers continue to be with you and your family.