I Never Set Out

All through our lives we make plans.  When we are little it might be for play dates or sleepovers with our friends.  As we get older, we start planning what our wedding will be like, how many kids we are going to have, and maybe what our perfect house would be.  And even later in life we start looking forward to retirement and think about all the things we will get to do now that we finally have the time.

I had plans and ideas too, but so many things that have happened to me were so different than how I imagined they would be.

I never set out to teach high school.  I said I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.  Yet that is where God led me.  Because of Him, I got to relate to some amazing young adults and share God with them.  Now I call many of them friends and they pray for me.

I never set out to marry a short man.  I just wasn't going to be the tall one in the relationship.  Yet that's what God sent me.  He sent me a man who was short in stature but strong in love.  He loves the Lord and shows it every day by how he cares for me and my family.  He took his vows of in sickness or in health seriously.  I couldn't be more grateful.

I never set out to have twins.  I always said I wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy.  Yet, that's what God gave me.  Through those twins I learned the meaning of "doubly blessed" and "doubly loved".  It's just a different kind of love that you can't explain.  Those twins, and my daughter, know how to love me even on my sickest days.  God gave them that ability.  I couldn't be more thankful.

I never set out to live in a small house.  I had lived in one with 5 brothers and it was always tight.  I wanted a larger home with space for everyone and room for entertaining.  Yet, that's what God gave me.  But even with a small house, we have filled it with so many memories of our kids and parties.  We can squeeze over 20 people in here when we have to, and it all works out fine.  I couldn't feel more blessed.

I never set out to have cancer.  In fact, after my mom died, I was going to do everything possible to avoid getting cancer.  The screenings, the blood work, the surgeries were all going to be done so I could be here a long time for my family.  But God allowed the cancer to come.  He didn't cause it, sin did that.  Yet through it all, I have experienced more of God's grace than I ever knew what was around.  My family is closer and loves to be together because of it.  Thousands of people have prayed for me because of it.  I started blogging and God used that to spread His Word.  We have been blessed with more cards, gifts, money and food it's been overwhelming.  And because of the hard journey, I have been able to feel Christ's strength in me.  I have only been able to overcome and get through things because of His strength.

I'm sure you can see the point of all of this.  While it's not wrong to make plans, we need to let God alter them because He knows what is best for us.  He knows how He is going to keep us close to Him.  The two verses below sum it up very well.

If you ever feel a tug at your heart that maybe you need to go a different direction, listen closely to that tug.  Pray about that tug.  Because when God leads you in that different direction than you set out to do, you will received more blessings than you ever thought possible.

What Can We Do When Things Don't Make Sense?

"I just wish I could make sense of it all!"  I know I've heard that phrase come from my lips as well as from the mouths of others.  It happened when my twin were young and we found out they were autistic.  It happened when I threw my back out on my daughter's birthday.  It happened when my son broke both of his arms when we were far away from home. It happened when my other son broke his ankle and growth plate on his birthday.  And of course, at times, it has happened with my cancer journey. 

I don't mention all these things because I want you to feel sorry for me. They were and are just big life events that didn't and sometimes still don't make sense. There have been little life events that make me feel the same way.  I felt that way when all three of my kids wanted me at the same time.  I felt that way I got a D on my first college paper.  I felt that way when our dishwasher died for the second time because someone through socks in it.  (Yes, that is a true story.)  I can look back and see how I grew, but it sure didn't make sense at the time.

Cancer has a way of seemingly never making sense.  From the time someone is diagnosed until the time they die, whether it be from the cancer or from a long life after cancer, it just doesn't make sense.  Why are some cured and others aren't?  Why do some find it right away and others don't?  Why do treatments work for some and not others?  This cancer stuff is tricky business, and it is hard to make sense of it all.


Lately I feel like I have been trying to make sense of my situation.  I hear all the time that God still has work for me to do.  I believe that because I know it doesn't have to be something big or incredible from an earthly standard.  It reminds me of one of my favorite sonnets I taught my Senior English class years ago, On His Blindness by John Milton.

When I consider how my light is spent

Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,

And that one talent which is death to hide

Lodg'd with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest he returning chide,

"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"

I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies: "God doth not need

Either man's work or his own gifts: who best

Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state

Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed

And post o'er land and ocean without rest:

They also serve who only stand and wait."

But while I understand this for myself, at times I find it hard to understand for others.  Is standing and waiting a more important job that raising children?  Is standing and waiting more important than supporting your spouse?  Is standing and waiting more important than being a witness in the workplace?  These are all questions that I ask when I know someone who is close to death, and it just seems like it is too soon.  Survivor's guilt creeps in when things just don't make sense.

What can we do when things don't make sense?  We can try to make sense of it all ourselves.  I know that will often not happen because of what God says:

The thoughts that God has, the ways that He knows, the plans that He makes are much bigger than anything we could imagine.  So when things don't make sense, we have to trust.  Trusting doesn't always mean understanding, but it does show how much we love God.  Here's what it says in Proverbs:

While I might not always understand, I trust, I pray and I listen.  Then God gives me little glimpses of Him to remind me of what a loving God He really is.  He did that for me lately with a song that I had listened to many times, but never really heard.  It's called Dream For You.  It speaks of David who might have been dreaming of being a shepherd boy and Mary who would have been planning for Joseph to come for her on their wedding day.   Yet God tells them this:

So come on, let Me dream, let Me dream for you
I am strong when you're weak and Ill carry you
So let go of your plan, be caught by My hand
I'll show you what I can do
When I dream for you
I have a dream for you

 This is true for all of us.  While our lives might not make sense to us, while what going on this world might not make sense to us, and even while what's going on in a friend's life might not make sense to us, it always makes sense to God.  This is what it says later in the song:

I'm stronger than you think I am
Ill take you farther than you think you can
You sing and call me Great I Am
So take your stand
My child, if you only knew
All the plans that I have for you
Just trust me, I will follow through
You can follow Me

 Did you catch that at the beginning?  God is stronger than we think He is.  Isn't that amazing?  No matter what we encounter, God is stronger than that, and, even better, he shares that strength with us.

 I know I will still struggle with trying to make sense of things.  But through it all I know I have a loving and gracious God who already has made sense of it all.  The best part is He knew the perfect way to take care of our sin so we could get to Heaven.  If He can make sense of our worst problem, He can and will make sense of everything that comes our way.  For that, I am forever grateful.