We all long for comfort in some way or another. We try to find that elusive mattress that we know will give us ultimate comfort and the the perfect sleep. For others it might be that pair of comfortable shoes that will let you be on your feet all day long. But my guess is most of us look for comfort from others -- a hug, a cry, a laugh that lets you know that someone is there for you.
Many of you know that I have been searching for comfort and peace the past week. As the holidays grow closer, the reality that this might be my last Christmas here on earth makes my spirit sink. I long to be with my children every night, but they need to keep on living their normal lives which includes sports, jobs and friends. But what hurts the most is knowing that I will be leaving them behind without a mother and my husband without a partner. There is nothing I can do about that. When God calls me home, I will be going home. But knowing that doesn't give me comfort when I know the pain that will be left behind when I go home to Heaven.
This part of Psalm 31 really shows how I felt:
"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow week with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."
I've cried out to God. I've screamed at Him. I've questioned His purpose. I've told Him how mad I am that I couldn't be one of the survivors and I couldn't be one of His miracles. I've wondered what in the world He was doing with me and what He is going to do with my family. I've been mad with God. I'm not proud of that, but it's the truth.
And you know what happened? He met me at that place. He reminded me that He knows what He is doing, and even if He chooses not to do what I want, He still has something better for me, and that is hope.
This small part of the journey started when I read this WELS Daily Devotion. It starts with this passage:
I started reading this looking for comfort, but when I got to this part of the devotion, I found so much more.
What does God's word say? "Your sin has been paid for," That's why God the Son came into this world. He became flesh and blood to pay the price that we cannot pay. His blood is holy, for Jesus never sinned. His blood is precious, for it is the blood of God. And that's the price he paid for you: His holy, precious blood.
What comfort! No matter what you face in this life, cling to the word of your God, cling to his tender words of comfort. He has paid the ultimate price for you and me. The glory our God has prepared for us far outweighs our present suffering. He is ht Shepherd who carries us in his arms to take us home. What comfort!
Talk about a reality check. God has taken care of my worst problem, my sin. So now no matter what I face, what I struggle with, what sins I commit, I am still looked at as a sinless child of God by looking through the blood of the Lamb.
And then the hope came. This isn't the hope of something we wish will happen or we wish we will get. Oh no, this hope is something that comes with a 100% guarantee of happening. It says so here:
Yes, I have been suffering a long time. And when I look back at all those years, I can see how God worked some of those characteristics in me. They are not perfect, BUT HOPE IS!! We will never be put to shame by anyone who doesn't believe what we do. Why? Because the Holy Spirit is reminding us every day that if God is for us, who or what can be against us, that our lives are important to him, and that our salvation is one. That's the hope we have. That's the hope the has the 100% guarantee.
So I looked for comfort and I got hope. But then again, I think I got comfort as well.
I suppose when some of you look at the title of this posting, you might be thinking about someone who reverts into their "shell" when life gets hard. Those of you who know me well know that is not what I do. I'm not talking about that kind of shell, but the earthly shell of my body.
I got to thinking about this about a week ago when I received my daily devotion entitled "How Are You Today?". What struck me the most in this devotion was the first paragraph:
"Pearl was one of the most enthusiastic Christians I’ve known, even
though she suffered through the pain of polio and all of its
complications for many years. When people would greet her and inquire,
"How are you today?" she would cheerfully answer, "Just fine!" Those who
knew what Pearl went through in life—difficulties including being
confined to a wheelchair and losing her fiancée because of the
polio—sometimes questioned her sincerity. "How can you say you're fine
when you are suffering so much?" Pearl's sincere response was: "How I
feel has very little to do with how I am. You see, the part of me that
hurts is just a shell, not the real me, and the real me is just fine!"
It really got me thinking about my attitude toward my chemo and my cancer. My standard response lately has been, "I'm ok, just really tired. We just keep going one day at a time." I've been disheartened because I am so tired already, and have already noticed that I don't feel comfortable doing things that I was able to do just a month ago. Chemo-brain has come back with a vengeance. I can't remember names, I loose my train of thought easily and I can get confused by things that made sense before. After almost two years of feeling somewhat normal again, it's been hard accepting that things are going to change again.
Yet, I can say with Pearl, the real me is just fine. This passage from 2 Corinthians tells me why.
Outwardly, my body and parts of my mind are going to increasingly waste away with this chemo. I learned today on a board that the worst part of the chemo is the tiredness. I'm going to have to learn to adjust to that. Of course my confusion at times with chemo-brain will get worse. I will have to be patient with myself and my family will have to learn to be patient with me by not trying to finish my sentences or figure out what I'm trying to say. Yet those parts of me don't really matter. It's my soul that matters, and God is using many things to keep me focused on Him and to make sure I am renewed every day.
This week I was blessed with a great renewal. The Junior Class at Evergreen Lutheran High School was given an assignment to write letters to me encouraging me and my family as we continue in this journey we are on. Most of them don't know me well, even though they know my daughter. These letters could have easily been very simple things that were written, but they weren't. Each letter was written to truly help me. Stories were shared, Bible passages quoted and used, and promises of prayers were given. Each letter renewed my soul. Some made me laugh, others made me cry, but each one was a gift from God to renew me.
Tomorrow I have my next chemo session. Outwardly, because of this, I am wasting away. That's just the way it is for all of us. But these troubles we all face are just light and momentary. One day our shells will be renewed to their perfect glory. Until then, I will be thankful for the many ways that God uses people and His Word to renew my soul. And I can say with confidence "I'm just fine!"
