Yes, I Still Have Cancer

It's been interesting over the last few weeks that I have had several conversations with people who think I am in remission.  I understand that it's easy to forget that I still have cancer.  I'm active, I look normal and it seems like everything is going well.  Tonight we were reminded that the cancer is still there.

After a great report on Friday with my breast MRI, my cancer number came back today.  It went up 14 points.  Since it's never jumped that much in the past four months, I'm sure you can understand why we are a little concerned. The lowest it's been is 49.   I haven't had a chance to talk with my oncologist yet.  In a short email her words were that it's a small jump percentage wise and that I should hang tight.  I'm pretty sure she means that we should just keep going with the course of treatment that we are on. 

I ask tonight that you keep me in your prayers.  I need peace.  I need peace knowing that this isn't the beginning of the end.  I need peace in knowing that this could turn around again.  And mostly I need peace to help me keep going.  

Fortunately the one peace I will never loose in the peace I have knowing my sins are forgiven.  No matter what comes my way, that will never be taken away.  So while I might not have earthly peace, I have eternal peace in Jesus.

God is Not Worried So I'm Taking Another Step

Life has been busy.  It's been so busy that I really hadn't been able to think about blogging for a while. The past month I've wanted to blog, but things have come up that made me feel I should wait just a little bit longer.  But now I need to again because I need your daily prayers.

So here's what's going on.  My CA-125 as of last month is now up to 60. In the bigger picture it's only gone up 11 points, but  it has been steadily going up for four months now.  In October I had a routine CT scan that I need to have every three months.  They did find a lymph node that they hadn't been watching before near some part of my esophagus that grew from 4 mm to 10 mm.  When I first talked with my oncologist we were both kind of bummed.  She hadn't looked specifically at the CT scan, just the reports.  At that point she said that we were staying on the medication I have been on because this didn't mean it wasn't working.  We would just see what happened.

Then she looked at my CT scan and called me back.  The spots they had been watching, and what she considers to be better markings because that's where they know disease is, have all shrunk or stayed the same.  The lymph node near my esophagus is in my chest area, but not in the mammary gland area of the breast.  My CA-125 could go up because of breast cancer.  My oncologist said that we could do a blood test to check for breast cancer, but that can also be elevated when you have ovarian cancer.   It's very unusual for someone to get breast cancer while being treated for ovarian, but with the history of both in our family, it's something to get checked.

So between the lymph node and the small rise in CA-125 my oncologist thought I was smart for wanting to get something checked out.   I'm overdue for a breast MRI which would pick things up better than a mammogram.   We haven't done one in a while for two reasons - 1) I was fighting ovarian cancer  and 2) I had a horrible panic attack with my first one.  I will be having one on November 21st and they will give me something to keep me calm, i.e. drug me up.  I will find out the results the next day when I see my oncologist. 

I will admit I am a little concerned.   There were lymph nodes around my liver before the ovarian cancer was found. That is the biggest reason I want to have this checked out.  Between that and my gut telling me something is going on, it would be very easy to let something like this overwhelm me.  But God once again puts things in my life to show me He is in control.

One of those things was a devotion by Karen Ehman entitled God is Not Worried. Here is her quote that really struck me.

God is not worried. He’s not in heaven wringing His hands, wondering just how everything will eventually turn out. He is in control. He is loving.

God longs to use the circumstances of our lives to mold our mind, craft our character, and chase away the fears that threaten to slither in, paralyzing us and rendering us ineffective. Ever the patient and wise teacher, if He isn’t freaking out, why should we?

That same day another devotion came my way with this Bible verse from the New Living Translation:

²⁴ You can go to bed without fear;
    you will lie down and sleep soundly.
²⁵ You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
    or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
²⁶ for the Lord is your security. Proverbs 3:24-26a

God knew once again what I needed to hear from His Word. I could freak out about this entire situation and be convinced that something awful was going to happen.  But if God isn't freaking out, why should I?  

So instead I choose to take another step.  I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new album quite a bit this past month.  My favorite song is called Take Another Step.  Here are my favorite lyrics of the song:

We walk by faith and not by sight we know it’s true
We say it and sing it and love the way it sounds
But none of us can even begin to truly understand
What it really means ‘til all the lights go out
And there we are nothing to hold on to
But the promises God’s made to me and you

Take another step, take another step
When the road ahead is dark
And you don’t know where to go
Take another step, take another step
Trust God and take another step

If there’s an ocean in front of you
You know what you’ve gotta do
Take another step and another step
Maybe He’ll turn the water into land
And maybe He’ll take your hand and say
Let’s take a walk on the waves
Will you trust Me either way
And take another step
Take another step  

It's time for me to take another step on this marathon cancer journey that I am in.  I have never been able to go on this journey alone.  God has provided me with so many of you who pray often for me.  So now I ask that you daily lift me up in prayer again.  Pray that, if it is God's will, that these steps that I have to take are ones that will be easy.  But if they are not, pray that God keeps me and my family close to Him, always relying on His strength to get us through the steps of each day.  

God is not worried, so I'm taking another step.

 

An Added Blessing

I've talked about blessings that have come from this cancer before, but I wanted to share a special gift that God gave me this week.

Last week I entered a contest to meet Laura Story, the singer of the song "Blessings".  I entered the contest, yes because I was hoping to get the chance, but more because I wanted to share my story with others how God really does bless you through trials and tears.

On Monday, July 29, 2013, the radio station called me telling me that I had won!  I couldn't believe it!  So on Wednesday, July 31, 2013, I get to be with a small group of people who meet Laura Story and get to see her concert live.  What a chance God has given me!  I found out that there will be others there who are struggling with cancer right now.  I'm so thankful God has given me the chance to witness to them.  Please pray with me that God uses me in an amazing way that only He can.

And, if you want to watch this live, you can through this link:
http://www.spirit1053.com/spirit-updates/2013/07/18/livestream-with-laura-story

I don't know if I will be on screen or not, but my daughter and I will be there.

To God be the  Glory!

You Just Never Know...

"Knowledge is power!"  I don't remember where I heard that for the first time.  I'm pretty sure it was part of a children's program I watched as a child.  It makes sense.  The more you know, the more you can cope, adjust and learn.  We pursue knowledge so we can make better choices.  We pursue knowledge so we can do better at our jobs.  We pursue knowledge to learn more about the hobbies we enjoy.  

But as much as we try to gain more knowledge, there are some things we will just never know.  Whether it's because we can't find the answer or because it's just not something we truly will never understand, we will never know everything.  I'm here to tell you that there are times where that is a wonderful thing.

A little over a year ago I started a new medication called a PARP inhibitor.  I was very sick and chemo wasn't working anymore.  My oncologist was able to get this medication for me in hopes that it would just help me feel better and give me a little of my life back.  That was the knowledge we had and hope for.  Guess what?  God had so much more to show me and my family.  Here is what happened this year.

• My cancer number, or CA-125 dropped from around 1350 to 46.  While I'm not yet cancer-free, my disease is stable or shrinking.  I never knew I would be thankful for stable disease.
• My energy has returned.  While I'm still not where I was before cancer, I am able to do more with my family again. I was able to get to most of my children's sports events and other activities.  I never knew I would be thankful for bleacher butt.
• I am able to be a wife and a mother again.  I'm cooking again and finding so many new recipes to try.  We don't have to rely on others to bring us food or help with household chores.  I never knew that I would be happy to clean bathrooms.

But there are even more amazing things that God has shown me this year.  I can stand here today and say I am a walking miracle.  There are others that have been on this same medication and the success hasn't been as great.  It starts of well, and as quickly as it starts working it stops working.  I'm still on this medication a year later with my disease shrinking and my body is functioning well.  Often times with the mutation I have there is another mutation that goes along with it which stops the PARP inhibitor from working.  (This is something that was just recently discovered.)  It looks like, because I have been on this for so long, that I don't have that mutation.  I can only praise God for this.  He has made me a walking miracle!  I never knew I would be given a blessing like that.

God has blessed me in more ways than I can count through this cancer.  I've been able to witness to many, help others through their journeys, and I have been given countless reminders of how God has my whole life in control.  He has a better plan than I could ever dream up.  It makes me love this passage even more:

It also reminds me of this passage :

There have been so many times through the past four years where I have been reminded of this passage.  Knowledge and logic would say that these fires and waters I've had to pass through should have driven me into despair and farther from God.  Questions like "How could God do this to a good person?" or "Is God really there if He's allowing me to suffer like this?"  should have turned me away from God.  But they didn't!  God carried me!  He uplifted me!  He protected me!  Why?  Because He loves me and He wants me to be with Him in Heaven.  He loves me so much that no matter what comes my way, He is going to make sure that I can be confident of His promises to care for me and take me home with Him to Heaven.  That's why I love this next passage even more:

So, you truly just never know what God has in store for you.  No matter what struggles you, or your friends, or your family, or your acquaintances are going through, God is going to work it out better than we could ever imagine.  I'm glad there were so many things I didn't know, because God has given me even bigger gifts because of it.

Prayers Answered Yes

We have a wonderful God at all times.  At times He chooses to withhold what we think we need to have a better life.  At times he chooses to strengthen us through trials and struggles.  And other times He gives us the desires of our hearts. 

I had my latest blood draw on Wednesday.  By this time I was pretty sure that my number had gone up again.  There was no specific reason since I was feeling fine, just "mom-tired" from all the running around we have been doing.  So yesterday when I got my results, we got a great yes answer from God.  My number went down to 53!  Yes, it's only 5 points, but it was the desire of my heart and what we have all been praying for all month.  This now shows for sure that I have stable disease and this medication is working as a maintenance treatment.

Now God has been gracious again in another way.  The dosage of the PARP inhibitor has been increased.  I am now getting what they consider the best therapeutic dose to get. I've never really heard the word remission or no evidence of disease thrown around, but we know God can do anything with what man uses so I do look at that as a possibility.  The bigger beauty of the higher dose is that it gives me more wiggle room in case I start having problems in my blood counts.  I can go on a lower dose for a while and then they can slowly raise it up again.  This also gives me a better chance of staying on this drug long term.  And since I am tolerating it very well so far, the higher dose shouldn't be a problem.  There is a good chance I will have some nausea issues initially as my body gets used to a higher dose, but I'm confident with God's help that will fade away with time.

I have been reflecting this past week because it's my daughter's last year of being in our big basketball tournament, the Jr. Eagle Classic.  It's hard to believe, still, that my daughter will be in high school in a few short months.  But I've been reflecting more because of where I was last year at this time.  I had to rest for three days just to make sure I could get to the tournament to watch her play, and then it was finding every chance to rest that I could.  I looked at a picture of myself after her team won the championship game.  I was surprised that even though I was extremely happy, I looked sick.  This year, I painted our huge bathroom on Monday, ran around on Tuesday and Wednesday, didn't sleep well on Thursday, and am still not having any problems getting to the tournament, thoroughly enjoying myself, and getting to run around and talk to so many people.  What a difference a year makes in God's plan for us!

As I was talking with a friend yesterday, she reminded me of something I had heard before.  It came from Pastor Jeske at Time of Grace Ministry.  He said, God doesn't have a Plan B!  How true that is! There is a reason it says in Proverbs 19:21

God has had this planned out for me and my family all along.  The bumps and trials along the way are just his way of refining us so we stay close to Him.  His ultimate goal is to get us to Heaven.  He knows the best way to do that. It might not always be easy, but it is the best way.

So now we rejoice in God's great goodness that He has answered our prayers this time with a yes.  We will continue to pray that He uses this instrument of man to ultimately heal me, but at the very least to keep my disease stable.  But even more so we will continue to rely on His plan for us.  His way is the best way!

Prayers for Peace Needed

This blog was truly intended to help others.  It's different when you feel like you are the one needing help.  It shouldn't be so strange since I have been battling cancer for almost four years. 

First of all I want you to know that my health is fine.  I'm not going through anything big health-wise right now.  It's just a little bump in the road that is making me need some extra prayers.

I had a CT scan last week Wednesday and then saw a clinic physicians assistant on Friday.  The CT scan looked good.  All the spots they are watching are still shrinking.  The fluid that had been collecting last year that made me so sick is almost gone.  I'm still feeling good and I'm easily able to keep up with all my children's activities.  But there is one nagging things that showed up.

My cancer number went up three points.  Now when it's dropped over 1200 since last year, it truly is not a big deal from a medical standpoint.  It's considered stable disease especially with the results of the CT scan.  But it hasn't dropped again in two months.  And when you've spent almost four years playing the numbers game with your cancer number, it's hard not to let a little upturn get you thinking...too much.

I ask that you commit to praying for me daily in this way: that my cancer number starts to go down again.  I know there are those of you who are still continuing to pray for me every day, and that is so appreciated.  I just need this specific prayer on my behalf right now. 

I also need some help with being at peace with what is happening.  My biggest fear is that I will have to go back on chemo again.  With a confirmation coming up, high school for Melanie, and just keeping up with the boys, I was really hoping for a long time without chemo.  I know the devil is working hard to lead me to falter in my faith that God is taking care of me.  He's nagging at me, trying to convince me that God really isn't putting my best interests in mind.  I know that's the farthest thing from the truth.  But I do need your help in fighting the devil's persistent nagging.

I did see an interesting Bible verse from Habakkuk the other day that did help.  It is interesting in that it is an account with wrestling with God.  I do feel like I've been doing that lately, wondering what His plan is again and begging for healing that just never seems to totally come.  But at the very end of the book he writes this:

So even though I can't do this on my own, God will do it for me.  So please join me in prayer this month for peace, for healing, for faith.

The Joy Dare ~ February 1 - 14

February 1 ~ Three Things Red

• As I sit here still trying to get over the flu bug I picked up, I am sitting in my fuzzy red robe.  It's one my husband bought for me years ago.  It has given warmth on cold mornings,  comfort on sick days and love when my children give me hugs in the morning.  
• Hello, my name is Lisa, and I'm a seasonal decorating junkie. :-)  From fall through Easter there are always seasonal decorations in my house.  And then in the summer I pull out my Americana decorations.  So of course since it's February all my Valentine decorations are up.  Lately, through Pinterest, I've really enjoyed the art of printables.  There are so many free ones that you can change up frames very easily.  Here's my favorite one for Valentine's Day. You can make your own with this link.

 

• Ever since I became a teacher, I have loved the idea with decorating with apples.  I received many apple themed gifts when I was teaching and shortly after.  While my decorating doesn't include that motif right now, I still have one apple thing in my home that I treasure.  It once again came from my grandparent's kitchen.  It now adorns my kitchen and reminds me of my grandparents whenever I see it.   

February 2 ~ Three Gifts On Paper

• When my children were in first grade they all had to make books of the Bible stories they were taught.  They drew a picture and wrote a summary of the story in their own words.  It's fun to look back at their thoughts when they were in first grade.  But what is even more fun to read is their understanding of the stories.  It just reminds me again how blessed we are to have a wonderful Christian grade school where my children can learn about God's Word every day.  Their faith has been strengthened daily because of this.  

 

 

• I have a huge box of cards.  I have gotten all these cards as words of encouragement from people, some of whom I don't even know, as I battle cancer.  Some came from a group of students whose teacher was a classmate of mine in college.  Others came from a woman who just heard of me through a friend's dad who is a Pastor.  Others came from close family members and friends.  But it doesn't matter who gave them to me or where they came from.  What matters is that each one was sent as a way to help, to encourage, to show me that they were there for me.  That's why I have saved every one of them.  They are there for my family and me to look at as a reminder of where we have been.  

  

• About two weeks before my mom died, she gave me a book called Traveling Light by Max Lucado.  It is based on Psalm 23 and talks about releasing some of the burdens you were never meant to carry on your own.  Little did I know that I was going to be reading it on a plane ride home the day she went home to Heaven.  Since then I have read it countless times and I always find something new.  I'm sure my Mom never knew how important this book was going to be for me in the years to come.  I love how God knows how to give you the gifts you need.

 

 February 3 ~ Three Gifts Found in Writing

• I never knew how much I would enjoy writing.  I did some journal writing before I was married, but that was about it.  When my cancer journey started I found myself writing on my Care Pages site to let people know how I was doing, and also to get things out that I needed to get out.  Little did I know how much God would teach me to rely on Him through my writing.  Little did I know how others would be touched by the things God taught me.  Now I have my own small blog and I'm toying with the idea of self-publishing a book.  Only God knows where this writing will take me, and I pray that I serve Him with whatever writing I do.
• I love stories.  I love how they transport you away to a different time, a different place, or a different emotion.  But some of my favorite stories have to be the ones I read to my kids, even though it might have been read a million times.  The joy those writers gave our family will be joy that will be remembered forever.  Just the other day we saw online a copy of the book "The Monster at the End of This Book".  I can't remember how many times I read that, but I had so much fun doing voices and showing different emotions while I was reading that it still brings about fond memories in all of my children.
• But what can compare to the greatest writing of all, the Bible, God's Holy Word.  It's miraculous to think that with all the different writers of the Bible from Moses to Paul to John, there really is only one author.  Our God is the only one who could bring all these writers together to give us a book that can withstand the test of time.  And the treasures that we find in this book are treasures that we can hold on to until our dying breath.  And when we take that last breath, we know that the promises in the Bible will be kept and we will be at Home in Heaven with our God and Savior.  What an amazing gift!

February 4 ~ Three Gifts When Bent Down

• I'm not a big fan of my kitchen cupboards.  They are just awkward enough that they hold plenty of things, but the things aren't easily accessible.  But if a change that perspective and think about all the things in my lower cupboards that are there to help me create healthy and delicious meals for my family, I have to praise God again for all the blessings He has given me.
• I'm always doing laundry.  I don't know how my mom did it with 6 kids!  I only have three and it's hard enough to keep up with that.  So even though it seems like a never-ending chore every time I have to bend down to take laundry out of the dryer, what a blessing it is to have a dryer that works well.  I'm so thankful I don't have to hang clothes up outside to dry.  They would never get dry this time of year with all the rain we get! :-)
• Oh do I love to bake.  And when you bend over to look in the oven and take out those delicious brownies or cookies or cakes that you have made you get this wonderful smell.  Praise God for the ability to cook!

February 5 ~ A Gift Stitched, a Gift Hammered, A Gift Woven

• When I started my cancer journey I always got cold.  Between loosing all the hair on my body and the side effects of chemo, it could be well over 80  and I'd still need a blanket.  I was blessed with a beautiful quilt made by my mother-in-law and two of my husband's aunts.  It went with me to many chemo sessions and is still out today.  In fact I just used it on my bed last night because I was cold.  What a wonderful reminder of how blessed I am to have family and friends in my life who care so much.

 

 

•  I wouldn't call my husband the handiest of men, but when he puts his mind to something, he can do it very well.  He knows how much I love pictures of my extended family.  We don't have much wall space to hang pictures.  So after I found an idea on Pinterest for a gallery wall he made it for me.  Now I can have more family pictures up to enjoy.  I can't wait until he makes the next one!

 

• I am woven by God!

Psalm 139:13

Ephesians 2:10

February 6 ~ Three Gifts Found Outside

• Today I found myself needing time away from the house, so I went shopping.  It was retail therapy of sorts, but I was really running errands for things we needed.  What does shopping have to do with being outside?  It was a glorious day and the fresh air and sunny sky did much for my disposition.  After being cooped up inside between the weather and homework, that fresh air and beautiful sunshine was a beautiful gift to see and feel.
• It felt like spring today.  I don't know what it was, but the chill in the air seemed to be a little less today.  Maybe it was the sun, but those winter blahs feel like they are starting to melt away.  Oh, I pray spring is just around the corner.
• One of the pluses of having a nice day is being able to stay outside.  After a friend and I made a banner for our girls' basketball team, we had a chance to talk and we kept our conversation going outside.  Being able to continue a conversation outside without feeling cold or wet is a blessing in this part of the United States.  What more could a woman want on a day like today!

February 7 ~ A Gift at 11:30, 2:30, 6:30

• At 11:30 after a short shopping trip I got to organize our pots and pans cupboard.  We have never been able to get it just right, but we might have this time.  The hunt of finding the perfect basket for baking sheets finally happened.  Moving the pots and pans to under the stove and the baking pans to the cupboards seemed to open up the space that was needed.  Hopefully this will help us stay more organized in the kitchen.  And even if it doesn't quite work, at least I felt like I accomplished one small thing.
• Our lives have been crazy lately with all the big school projects our kids have right now.  Add a sports schedule on top of that, even though that is minimal, and you feel like you are constantly burning the candle at both ends.  Usually I am getting ready to leave at 2:30 to pick up my kids from school.  I didn't have to today because my boys had practice and my daughter had a basketball game to get ready for.  It was nice having a bit of time to relax and the time to sit and get a shirt fixed that I haven't been able to find the time to fix.  Just breathing for a bit instead of checking the time to see where I had to be next was wonderful. Plus I got to listen to my newest Chris Tomlin CD, Burning Lights.  Having music reminding me of God's wonderful gifts during this quiet time was definitely a highlight of my day.
• At 6:30 we were watching the end of my daughter's basketball game.  It was the first game of their tournament and we were hoping for a win.  After a very close first half, they settled down and right around 6:30 they won the game.  Now they are on to the championship bracket.  What a great last home game win for my daughter!

February 8 ~ A Gift Broken, Fixed, Thrifted

• You wouldn't normally think of a broken promise as a gift, but there is one way I do.  I look back at the boys and men I dated and I'm glad they "broke their promise" of love to me.  If they hadn't I wouldn't have had the chance to meet my husband.  Even though he drove me nuts at first, he has been with me through the best and most difficult of times.  He is secure in his faith and love the Lord as much as I do.  He cares for his children like our Father cares for us.  I couldn't imagine my life without him.  I love you, honey!
• We are all insecure from time to time.  I have been feeling some of that lately.  With the ups and downs of cancer you can have people flock around you in the bad times and then back away during the good times.  Today I was invited for coffee by someone who I am just getting to know better.  God knew that I needed something like that again.  Our God always knows what we need and the best way to give it to us.
• I think back to all the hand-me-downs we have received over the years and I don't think I could put a dollar amount on it.  So much money was saved by these people giving us these clothes.  And because of that it has helped us save money for our children's Christian education.  I only hope that the clothes that I have been able to give away has just as much an impact for someone else as it did for our family.

• At 6:30  

Where To Put Your Trust When You Have Cancer (Or Any Struggle)

I remember when I found out I could get cancer that I was determined to do everything I could to prevent that from happening.  I went to a clinic, met the perfect doctor, had a surgery scheduled and believed this would do the trick.  I put my trust in what the doctors told me.  None of us realized there was already cancer in me.

Then the treatments started.  I trusted that my oncologist and nurses were going to give me the best advice to kick this cancer to the curb once and for all.  If I wouldn't have trusted what they were telling me, I would have been on the internet every second trying to find something better, something that would for sure be the silver bullet.  None of us knew this was going to be a much longer and harder battle.

Was I foolish for trusting what the doctors told me?  No.  I had complete confidence in their knowledge and I still do.  If it wasn't for my oncologist trying for the PARP inhibitor I wouldn't be doing as well today as I am.  But I was reminded once again this past week where I really need to put my trust.

Last week I had my normal, routine check-in with my oncology clinic.  I'm still feeling good and running around like crazy with my family, so I really didn't expect anything to be different than what has been happening since July.  When I got my results for my CA-125 on Friday, the disappointment and anxiety came back.  Was it because my numbers went up?  Nope.  It was because they stayed the same -- at 55.

What this means is that I have stable disease.  That's a good thing, really it is.  It means the cancer isn't growing.  It means I can stay on this medication.  It means I can keep living my life with my family.  It means that I am continuing to live with a chronic disease.  But I didn't focus on any of that.  I focused on the fact that for the first time since July my numbers didn't go down.

You see, even though I thought I had been placing my complete trust in God to take care of me, once again I was reminded that I was putting some of my trust in the medication.  Now I was wondering if it wasn't working, if I was going to have to go on chemo again and if I wasn't going to be healthy for my daughter's confirmation.  Talk about misplaced trust! 

Our Sunday service was one I really needed to hear since it was all about trust.  We started with this hymn:

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus,
Trusting only you;
Trusting you for full salvation,
Free and true.

I am trusting your for pardon;
At your feet I bow,
For your grace and tender mercy
Trusting now.

I am trusting you for cleansing
In the crimson flood;
Trusting you to make me holy
By your blood.

I am trusting you to guide me;
You alone shall lead,
Every day and hour supplying
All my need.

I am trusting you for power;
You can never fail.
Words which you yourself shall give me
Must prevail.

I am trusting you, Lord Jesus;
Never let me fall.
I am trusting you forever
And for all.

This was one of my favorite hymns as a child.  I sang it with all sincerity in church.  But then the sermon came entitled Jesus Invites Us to Trust Him.  And then the realization started hitting.  After thinking I was completely trusting God, I realized I wasn't.  Instead of being thankful that I still had stable disease, I started questioning God.  God, why aren't you continuing to let the cancer shrink?  God, why are you letting me have this disease for so long?  God, don't you realize that my family needs me?  God, God, God......

There was a point in the sermon where our Pastor reminded us that God is taking care of us.  After all our questions God can so easily ask, "Don't you trust me?"  And how can I not trust Him?  He has let me live over three years after my diagnosis.  He has given me an almost normal life for the last 6 months.  He guided us through the beginning of 2012 which was one of the worst times for my health.  He has healed both my boys with their broken bones and continues to heal them.  He is the one who has guided our lives and taken care of them.  He has used the doctors and the medicines to keep our family together.  How can I not trust him.

So where do you put your trust during a battle with cancer or in any struggle?  I believe you do need to trust your doctors or whomever is helping you with your struggle,  but these people can fail you.  God will never fail you.  Put your trust in Him.  He has the best plan laid out for you.

If you would like to see more reasons you can put your complete trust in Christ, please see my post titled Three Gifts Found In Christ.

January 19th Joy Dare, Three Gifts Found in Christ

 January 19 ~ Three Gifts Found in Christ
How in the world could you only find three gifts today?  I could write an entire book on the gifts found in Christ, and I'm sure some people have.  My first thought went to one of my favorite songs that has become an Easter favorite, In Christ Alone.  If you've never heard this song before, please click on the link to listen to and see an amazing video based on the song.

So to complete my Joy Dare today, I'm going to use the first verse of the song and link them to Bible passages that show just how much Christ has given us.

• In Christ alone my hope is found  ~ 1 Peter 1:3-4  ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you

• He is my light, ~ John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

• my strength ~ Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

• my song ~ Colossians 3:16 ~ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

• This Cornerstone, this solid ground ~ Psalm 95:1 Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
      let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

• Firm through the fiercest drought and storm ~ Psalm 46:1-3        

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging

• What heights of love, ~ John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

•  what depths of peace ~ Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

• When fears are stilled, when strivings cease ~  Isaiah 41:10   So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand                                                   

• My Comforter, ~ John 14: 1-3 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

•  my All in All ~ Ephesians 3: 20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

• Here in the love of Christ I stand ~ Ephesians 3: 17b - 19 And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God

The Joy Dare ~ January 16 - 31

January 16 ~ 3 Witnessed Blessings

• Last night I was able to start going to my support group again at Gilda's Club.  What a wonderful night it was! We had three more women join us who needed support as much as we did.  What a blessing from God to be able to connect with people face to face who are dealing with the same disease  I am.
• Yesterday I also witnessed the blessing of my family once again as we sat around the dinner table.  I know I've been thankful for this before, but these times are so precious to me.  The laughter and conversation are things I will always treasure.
• This last one is years in the making.  Facebook has been a wonderful blessing in my life because of all the people I have been able to reconnect with and also stay in touch with them.  Some of my greatest blessings on there are the students I taught and how so many of them have the Lord in their life. 

January 17~ A Gift Bringing Laughter, Prayer, Quiet

• I just had a conversation with my oncology nurse.  Normally you wouldn't think that something like that would bring laughter, especially since it had nothing to do with my treatment.  But when you've had a relationship with someone for four years, even though it's on a clinical basis, they really do become your friend.  I laughed, really in awe, because I found out that I'm somewhat of a celebrity at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.  My oncologist has been using my story to show the success of what has been working so well for me.  I was in a newsletter, which I knew about, but I also found out that she's been sharing my story at different conferences.  My nurse jokingly said that I hope no one stops you on the street because I might feel like Kim Kardashian or something. Thank you God for the amazing staff you have provided for me!
• Most mornings I get up at least an hour before my children do so I can spend some quiet time in devotion and Bible reading.  I treasure that time of quiet before the busy day starts.  It helps me keep my focus on God throughout the day.
• My prayer life has definitely been leading me to keep trusting God.  Each oncology visit always brings some anxiety.  Is the treatment still working?  What if I have to go back on chemo?  Am I having a side effect from the drug or am I just getting older?  Learning to trust God once again is something I need to pray for every day.

 (I have gotten behind not because I have forgotten to do this, but because I haven't had the time to sit and blog.  The 18th through the 21 were written in one day.)

January 18 ~  Three Gifts from God's Word
Proverbs 3:5-6 

 

Isaiah 53:4-5

Romans 5: 3-5

January 19 ~ Three Gifts that Might Never Have Been

• My daughter might never have been born.  You see, we lost our first child to a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  We were devastated.  But one month after we lost our first daughter, God blessed us by letting us conceive another.  Now we have one daughter at home in Heaven, and one daughter here with us. 
• When I look at my family, I realize they might never have been here.  I was not enthralled with my husband when I first met him.  I was dating someone else and he just kept hanging around.  We did have some of the same friends and we got together, but he was shorter than me and I just didn't want anything to do with him.  But God knew better.  There were some hard circumstances in my life and he was there when no one else could be.  4 months after we started dating we got engaged.  1 year and 8 days after we started dating we were married.  2 years to the day we started dating we had our first child.  Once again, God knew what He was doing.
• When I look back to last year at this time, things were going down hill fast as far as my health went.  By this time last year I had already been admitted to the hospital once, and had no idea I would need an ambulance ride for another one.  Now, because of a small miracle, God made sure all the right things were in place for me to get a PARP inhibitor to give me and my family a more normal life again.  To God be the Glory!

  January 20 ~ Three Gifts Only Seen Close Up

• Snowflakes amaze me because each one is different.  They also amaze me when I realize that they are created by a frozen microscopic droplet of water, and then because of weather conditions they make these amazing shapes as they fall through the atmosphere.  What beauty in such a small package.   

• This is a magnified sample of sand from the Gobi Desert.  When you realize that soft, warm substance you love to walk in on the beach is actually crushed rocks, it's amazing to think how God works.  And when you have a chance to look at this closely, you see how beautiful it really is.

• One of the most peaceful things I love to look at is a sleeping baby.  But I don't think you can truly realize how peaceful a sleeping baby can be until you look at one closely in your arms.  They are beyond content, trusting that they will wake and someone will be there to care for them.  The sleep is not restless or fitful, but truly renewing.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace!

January 21 ~ A Gift in Sky, in Water, in Memory

• Being from the Pacific Northwest, we get to see quite a few rainbows, especially in the spring.  We regularly get them above our home.  They are always a wonderful reminder of how our God is watching over us and protecting us, and also it reminds us that He will never break a promise He has made.
• My water gift is an odd one because it's our cat's paw.  We have a funny cat, Izzy.  He is truly a scaredy cat, jumping at the slightest noise.  One thing he does that always amuses our guests is to drink out of his water bowl with his paw.  He will only drink if he sticks his paw in the water and laps it off of his paw.  He will never put his face in the bowl.  Is he too scared to get his face wet?  Knowing this cat, he probably is.

• My Mom, or Grandma Judy, died from ovarian cancer 10 years ago.  These were the only grandchildren she got to know -- 4 out of the 18 that are here.  She gets to be with two of them in Heaven.  When I think back to all the love she showed her grandchildren, it makes me smile.  It also makes me smile when I remember how she kept bugging us to get married so she could have grandchildren.  And then she got four in three years.  She could never get enough of her grandchildren, and I will be forever grateful that my daughter had a chance to know her.  We can't wait to see you again!

January 22 ~ A Gift Wrinkled, Smoothed, Unfolded

 

•   When I think of something wrinkled, I think of my mom and grandmother's hands.  They were wrinkled but beautiful.  Their hands worked tirelessly in the kitchen, in mending and in cleaning.  But they were also great for hugs.  But I know the thing I loved most about those hands is that they turned the pages of their Bibles, and they folded them in prayer.  To their last hour they knew they were in God's hands.  Now their hands, whether they are wrinkled or smooth, are praising their Father in Heaven.

• I remember taking out my wedding dress on the day of my wedding and smoothing the front before I saw my husband that day.  That was such an exciting day, seeing each other in our wedding attire for the first time.  We had no idea that our lives were going to be so bumpy, so wrinkled with trials.  But just like my dress, God has smoothed out our paths when we stumble.  He is just bringing us closer to Him.

 

• Letters for the most part are a thing of the past.  We have gone to emails, instant messages, texts and video chat.  But there was always something about unfolding a letter or a note that brought excitement.  You never knew what was going to be said or what you were going to learn.  Most of the time the news was wonderful.  Last year during my hard months I received an actual letter, written over a week, from one of my daughter's grade school teachers.  I think I re-read that letter at least 10 times because it was such a foreign concept to receive one.  What a wonderful blessing from God!

January 19 ~ Three Gifts Found in Christ
How in the world could you only find three gifts today?  I could write an entire book on the gifts found in Christ, and I'm sure some people have.  My first thought went to one of my favorite songs that has become an Easter favorite, In Christ Alone.  If you've never heard this song before, please click on the link to listen to and see an amazing video based on the song.

So to complete my Joy Dare today, I'm going to use the first verse of the song and link them to Bible passages that show just how much Christ has given us.

• In Christ alone my hope is found  ~ 1 Peter 1:3-4  ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you

• He is my light, ~ John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

• my strength ~ Philippians 4:13 ~ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

• my song ~ Colossians 3:16 ~ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

• This Cornerstone, this solid ground ~ Psalm 95:1 Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;
      let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

• Firm through the fiercest drought and storm ~ Psalm 46:1-3        

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging

• What heights of love, ~ John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

•  what depths of peace ~ Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

• When fears are stilled, when strivings cease ~  Isaiah 41:10   So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand                                                   

• My Comforter, ~ John 14: 1-3 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

•  my All in All ~ Ephesians 3: 20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

• Here in the love of Christ I stand ~ Ephesians 3: 17b - 19 And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Oh boy, am I behind again.  But I think I have a better excuse this time : the icky norovirus.   Finally feeling somewhat normal after 3 days.  I did have things written down through the 27th.  So here goes my thankfulness....

January 24 ~ Three things blue

• My daughter's eyes.  From the moment she was born she had her eyes wide open ( no that is not an exaggeration) and they were very blue.  She could not stop looking around.  Today I love looking in her eyes and seeing those beautiful blues filled with compassion for others and full of God's love.
• When my boys were young they used to love yogurt.  We would set them up in their highchairs and they would devour their yogurt.  Many people have pictures of that first birthday cake, well we have pictures of yogurt boys.  Blue yogurt was their favorite, and they have it all over their faces and in their hair to prove it.

• We had blue sky today, just a peek, after being in an inversion that left our area very cold and foggy.  It was so strange to have the mountains and the coast with warmer temperatures that we had.  But with that peek of blue sky today, it was a reminder of God's unending love. 

 January 25 ~ A Grace Borrowed, Found, Inherited

• We have been the fortunate recipients of musical instruments.  Between my three children we have piano, flute, trumpet and trombone playing in our house.  Some days it's crazy, but most days it's wonderful, especially as they are all starting to play for chapel.  We couldn't have afforded these instruments outright.  But we were able to borrow all of them.  Some have turned into permanent fixtures in our home, and we are grateful for all of them.
• I think some of my best graces that I have found have been in my friends.  Many have been found "by accident."  I think back to the time I met my closest friend in college.  I had locked myself out of my room and that was the first time we really met.  I'm so glad she looked over my not so wonderful language at the time and looked at what I was really like.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish we lived closer, and I also know she will be there whenever I need her.
• My favorite inherited gift has to be my love for music.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I can look back at all the times we sang as a family, practiced our many instruments(which we often hated) and the times we made beautiful music together and be thankful.  I'm so glad I get to pass that on to my children who each in their own way have a love for some type of music.  May they use that love to serve God in some way.

January 26 ~ A Gift Before Dawn, At Noon, After Dark

• I was actually up early this morning, which I wasn't happy about at the time.  But then I had the quiet time I needed to get ready for my day.  I had a chance to sit and study God's Word, have some prayer time and a little quiet time before the chaos of the day started.  We might not always agree with what God gives us, but we can always see that what He gives is what is best for us.
• At noon I was actually together with my family.  Considering we are in the midst of basketball season and we had to get to a game that evening, I treasured that time.  Yes it was a little stressful because we were working on some big school projects that were coming up, but we were together.
• I know I don't always show my husband how much I appreciate all he does.  But he was a wonderful support today.  Once we got home after a long day of projects and basketball games, he jumped right in to help get the kids focused for bed, and then he rubbed my aching legs.  He was also very patient with me because I was having a few anxious moments due to some medication I was on.  I love you, Paul!  I'm sorry I never show you enough.

January 27 ~ Three Gifts in the Kitchen

• About three years ago I got my first Kitchen Aid stand mixer.  We never had one growing up so I never understood it's usefulness. Since I have been feeling better we actually put it out on the counter so I could have it more easily accessible.  It was one of the best moves and purchases we made.  I love using it at least once a week to make things for my family.   

 

• I love my kitchen table.  We looked for one for three years before we were able to find one we liked.  It is an old country style table and chairs that is solid and won't fall apart.  It can expand when we have guests over.  This year we hosted Thanksgiving at our house.  It was one of the best dinners we have ever had because of the people that surrounded our table.  I can also think back to the many times we've played games with friends and family, had meals, or just sat around and talked.  I remember the times that friends came over and brought meals during my early years with the twins and then while I was on chemo.  If that table could talk, it would have so many ways to shout out the praises of what God is doing through His people.

 

• We have a full pantry.  Sometimes it's a bit overflowing because I can be a coupon nut and stockpile some things when I can, but it's always full with foods we can eat.  May we never take for granted the food God has given us, and may we never have to go without.

 

January 28 ~ Three Graces Found in Friends

I've learned over the last three years how important friends can be.  Yes they are the ones who make you laugh and listen to your complaints, but they are so much more.  Here are just a few things friends have done for me over the past three years.

• Become an amazing group of prayer warriors
• Brought meals
• Called
• Texted
• Sent cards
• Sent gifts
• Sent flowers
• Cleaned my house
• Taken me to chemo appointments
• Watched my children when I was in the hospital
• Taken my children to and from sporting events
• Fixed our window screens
• Weeded our yard
• Mowed our lawn
• Sent us on amazing trips 
• Gave my children extreme room makeovers

  I look at these things and it brings me to tears.  These people did this not for anything in return, but because of their love for their Savior.  

 

January 29 ~ A Song Heard, A Soft Word, Light Seen

• One of the songs that still reaches me today is called Finally Home by Mercy Me.  I heard this a few years after my mom went home to Heaven.  It reminded me once again of what I have to look forward to when I get Home.
• I was sicker than a dog today with the flu.  My daughter was home with me because she had it as well.  My poor boys had to stay away from me and constantly wash their hands in hopes that they wouldn't get it.  (So far, so good.)  But when one spoke softly that he just wanted to give me a hug, it broke my heart.  I promised him he could hug me all he wanted when I got better.
• The light at the end of the tunnel was seen for my daughter when she was able to eat dinner.  That showed me that my light would be coming soon since I was a day behind her in my sickness.  And it also reminded me that even with my cancer, I can get through a flu bug without having to go to the hospital.  God is so good!

January 30 ~ Three Old Things Seen New

• Every day the Scripture brings something new.  Every time you read it something will speak to you.  Some days things will jump out at you.  The one I remember most recently at really jumping out at me was this verse from John 21:25. " Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written"  I had never thought about that before.  We hear of so many miracles he did that I never thought about the ones He did that we didn't know about.  It's just another reason I can't wait to finally meet Him face to face.

• I have some old pictures that were in my grandparents house.  I remember them on the dining room wall.  They bring such good memories because we would sit around that table for meal but also for playing many games.  Now they are in my house, in my kitchen.  While the new place makes them look a little different, I hope the memories that my children have of those pictures will be just as lovely. 

 

• I also have an old cabbage cutting board that once belonged to my great grandmother.  It was in my parents home, and now it is in mine.  Once again it brings up memories of loving, fun times.  What was once used as a tool for dinner is now one that creates memories of times around the dinner table. 

January 31 ~ A Gift on Paper, in a Person, in a Picture

• My mom went home to Heaven over 10 years ago.  It has gotten harder to remember her voice, her laugh and her touch.  But one thing I will be forever grateful for is having a few things that she wrote.  One is a letter she wrote to my daughter when she was not even three.  My daughter still treasures that letter.  Another thing I have is the Bible passages she wrote down on note cards when  she was battling ovarian cancer.  There have been so many times where I have looked at them and gotten strength in their words.  She used those for comfort, and I am now able to use them as well.  One day they will get passed down to my daughter as another tangible way of how much God loves us.

 

• How can I just pick one person that has shown me so much love?  I have too many friends who have helped me in person, through prayer, or online that I can't pick just one.  Just know that you are always going to be lifted up in prayers of thankfulness for the things you have done.  Even if you think it was just small, it was big.
• When we found out the cancer came back after only three months of remission, people rallied around us with help and with gifts.  Some of those were pictures.  Once again when I was struggling last year more gifts came.  One that has become a focal point of our home is this picture based on Isaiah 49:15-16

 

         Knowing that God has us engraved on the palms of His hand reminds us every day that He is 

          really looking out for our best interests.  He will never, ever forget us or the promises He made

         to us.  That is the best comfort anyone can have in any circumstance.